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"Halt! Officer Odie orders you to stop and help!"
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(The episode opens up on a lightpost on a stormy day, a crow lands on it as the camera pans down to Jon's house.)
Jon: Liz, I'm, glad you're here, I have something for you, (the scene cuts to Jon behind a window inside the house, with Liz listening on a sofa) Something, very, important. (thunder claps from outside)
Liz: I know, you have come to unburden your soul...
Jon: (sad voice) Thank you, thank you! (thunder claps again between the "Thank you".) I spend my days copping with quiet desperation!
Garfield: You spend your days drawing bad cartoons and making barely adequate lasanga.
Liz: We all live with quiet desperation, Jon. Some of us are, (thunder claps offscreen) are just a little less quiet about it.
Garfield: (comes up to the center of the camera pointing at the scene) Are you listening to this?
Liz: Still, you have your dreams. (Garfield groans before racing off screen in the same direction he appeared before)
Jon: Dreams? Ha, I think it was the author H.L Menkin who wrote, "The more a man dreams, the less he believes" (thunder claps very loudly than previously)
Liz: (sighs)
(Jon and Liz look down in depression, than Garfield comes on screen again.)
Garfield: (The camera shakes as Garfield waves) Okay hold it! Stop right there, Cut!
Jon: Oh!
Liz: Huh?
Garfield: I need to speak to the director.
Jim Davis: Right here, Garfield. Something wrong?
(Thunderstorm sound effect plays on the set.)
Garfield: Did we turn off the thunderstorm please?
Jim Davis: Andy kill the thunderstorm effect.
(Andy turns down the volume on the thunderstorm effect.)
Garfield: It's not the Garfield Show, it sounds like a bad soap opera, who wrote this episode?
Jim Davis: How should I know? I never look at the script.
(Garfield sits on the director chair to see the video player.)
Garfield: Here, just rewind this cartoon back to the opening titles.
Jim Davis: Andy, roll it back to the top would you?
(Andy rewinds the episode to the beginning for Garfield to check the opening credits.)
Garfield: There! Script by Samuel W. Underburger. Who in the name of Samuel W. Underburger is Samuel W. Underburger?
Jim Davis: He's the new writer they hired. I think he has an office upstairs.
Garfield: Aah! I going to get to the bottom of this. (gets off the director chair) Let me have that script. (takes the episode script from Webster and reads it) New writer. There's nothing wrong with the old writers, I always enjoyed their joke.
Liz: What do we do now?
Jon: I don't know. Want to go down to the employee cafeteria and get some lunch?
Liz: Yeah, might as well.
(Garfield continues to read the script as he is walking to Samuel W. Underburger's office.)
Garfield: Jon goes to prison for embezzlement. Liz marries Eddie Gourmand. I adopt Nermal as my son. What does this guy thinks he's doing? (reads the office door) Samuel W. Underburger, writer.
(In the office, Samuel W. Underburger is typing something on the computer.)
Samuel W. Underburger: Brilliant...
(Garfield jumps on Underburger's desk.)
Garfield: Hey Underburger, hasn't anyone told you this is a comedy show?
Samuel W. Underburger: I'm sorry, Garfield. I don't do comedy. It's a waste of time.
Garfield: Waste of time? You're joking right?
Samuel W. Underburger: I never joke. I also never laugh.
Garfield: Never?
Samuel W. Underburger: Well once, I was about... perhaps 8 years of age...
Garfield: Hold it! Hold it! I've gotta see this. Could we have a flashback please?
(The cartoon gets fuzzy when Underburger remembers a flashback from his childhood.)
Samuel W. Underburger: Everything is getting all fuzzy.
Garfield: That's called a ripple dissolve. Okay, continue.
(The scene changes to a sepia film of Underburger's childhood.)
Samuel W. Underburger: So as I was saying. I was eight. One day, I was eating a banana and I absent-mindedly tossed the peel away.
(Michael FastBlood slips over the banana peel that Underburger throws behind him. Underburger as a child laughs loud at Michael.)
Garfield: You thought that was funny?
Samuel W. Underburger: Hilarious. Thinking about it now I almost feel a chuckle coming on. (laughs to himself) Well, I'm afraid that's it. I'll laugh again in a decade or two.
(Garfield and Underburger walking out the television studio.)
Garfield: We need funny silly stuff for me and Odie to do.
Samuel W. Underburger: Odie?
Garfield: The dog, the one with the tongue.
Samuel W. Underburger: Oh, I got rid of the dog.
Garfield: (shocked) You what?
Samuel W. Underburger: I wrote him out. I don't like dogs.
Garfield: Wrote Odie out? We... You can't do that!
Samuel W. Underburger: I can do whatever I want. I'm the writer. Well, it's such a nice day. I think I'll go write in the park.
(Underburger go to the park to write episode scripts.)
Garfield: (stutters) If this guy's gonna write my show? I'm gonna have to teach him what funny is. I think I'm gonna make him laugh, watch.
(Garfield runs in front of Underburger, acts silly to try to make him laugh. He uses a feather to tickle Underburger's right ear, but fails to make him laugh.)
Garfield: Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. (Underburger becomes annoyed) Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. (Stop tickling Underburger) How about if instead of the feather, I use the entire chicken.
(Underburger puts Garfield on the ground.)
Samuel W. Underburger: Tickle me one more time and I'll write you out of the show.
(Underburger walks away from Garfield.)
Garfield: What am I gonna do about that guy?
(Garfield turns to the store where the television is playing.)
Dr. Whipple: (speaking on the television) One of the most important things in life is to be able to laugh. Do you know what happens to people who don't have a sense of humor?
Garfield: They get jobs in this program.
Dr. Whipple: (speaking on the television) They worry too much. Not being able to laugh makes disasters more disastrous. It makes troubles more troublesome. You see think of laughter as medicine.
(Squeak walks by the store.)
Garfield: Laughter as medicine. Yeah. Squeak, just the mouse I need.
Squeak: What's up, Garfield?
Garfield: We're gonna get Irv and then perform a little surgery. I know a guy who's in serious need of a humor transplant.
(In the park, Underburger sitting on a bench writing scripts on the laptop. Then, Underburger is distracted by Garfield who is dressed up as a doctor.)
Garfield: The doctor is ready for his next patient.
Squeak: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Garfield: Well then, don't do that.
(Irv plays the drum roll. Underburger is still not amused and continues writing scripts.)
Garfield: In my professional opinion, I say "you're five pounds overweight."
Squeak: If you don't mind, I'd like to get another opinion.
Garfield: Okay, here's another opinion "you're ugly too."
(Irv plays the drum roll. Underburger yawns and still not amused.)
Squeak: Doctor, I have to ask you. Is it possible for a mouse to be in love with an elephant?
Garfield: No, that is scientifically impossible. A mouse could not possibly be in love with an elephant.
Squeak: Oh, in that case. (shows a giant engagement ring) You know where I can get rid of an engagement ring this big?
(Squeaks throws the giant engagement ring aside and an elephant appears dancing on its hind legs.)
Samuel W. Underburger: Are you quite through?
Garfield: Sure looks that way. Come on, guys.
(Irv is running after Garfield, Squeak and the elephant to not be left behind.)
Irv: Hey, wait for me.
Samuel W. Underburger: Let's see, I think I'd like tomorrow's show to be even more serious.
(Garfield, Squeak and Irv are talking outside the store with the televisions.)
Squeak: Wow! Not a chuckle, not a smile!
Irv: That guy's ruining your show, Garfield.
Garfield: I know, I know. There must be some way to make him laugh.
Dr. Whipple: (speaking on the television) The essence of humor is his surprise.
Garfield: That's surprising.
Dr. Whipple: (speaking on the television) People laugh when things happen they couldn't have expected. (pans on two actors) Observe this brief scientific demonstration.
Clyde: Hello Milton, as you can see I'm holding a large whipped cream pie.
Milton: Yeah, I can see that very well, Clyde.
Clyde: Good, I am now going to shove this pie in your face. Thereby, covering your entire face with whipped cream.
Milton: Aah! Well, if you must.
(Clyde shoves Milton's face with the whipped cream pie.)
Dr. Whipple: (speaking on the television) As you can see, not very funny. Now, notice how much funnier it is when we introduce the element of surprise.
Clyde: Hello Milton.
Milton: Hi Clyde.
Clyde: Say how about loaning me some money until payday.
Milton: When's payday?
Clyde: How should I know? You're the one with the job.
(Clyde shoves Milton's face with the pie again.)
Dr. Whipple: (speaking on the television) You see the element of surprise is what makes it funny. That's all you need to know. Thank you!
Garfield: Okay, that's it! That's how we're going to make Underburger laugh. And we're going to need some help.
(Outside Garfield's home, he asks Herman Post for help to make Underburger laugh.)
Herman Post: You want me to wear this? But this is a chicken costume.
(Then, Garfield asks Eddie Gourmand in his studio to join in.)
Eddie Gourmand: Oh, you really want me to do that?
(In the park, Garfield asks the mole who is on his lunch break to join in.)
Mole: You want me to dig a hole here? But, I'm eating my lunch.
Garfield: Bring it along, this is important. Now, can you do it?
Mole: I'm a mole, I can dig a hole anywhere.
(In the park, Underburger is walking by minding his own business. Until, Eddie Gourmand interrupts him.)
Eddie Gourmand: Excuse me, sir. Do you happen to like chocolate cream pie?
Samuel W. Underburger: Oh yes, I do like chocolate cream pie.
Eddie Gourmand: Good.
(Eddie shoves the chocolate cream pie in Underburger's face and he runs off laughing.)
Samuel W. Underburger: That is not funny.
(Garfield uses a water hose to wash Underburger's face covered in pie and runs off.)
Samuel W. Underburger: That is not funny.
(Herman Post wearing a chicken costume delivers a letter to Underburger.)
Herman Post: Here's your mail, Mr. Underburger. It's a chicken suit, the cat said I have to wear it. I don't why I do these things?
Samuel W. Underburger: That is not funny.
(Eddie Gourmand and Garfield comes up to Underburger for the second time.)
Eddie Gourmand: Excuse me again, do you by any chance like coconut cream pie?
Samuel W. Underburger: Why yes, I very much like coconut cream pie.
Eddie Gourmand: Excellent.
(Eddie shoves the coconut cream pie in Underburger's face.)
Samuel W. Underburger: That is not funny. (Garfield uses the water hose to wash his face) Nor is that.
Irv: Hey Squeak, what time is it?
Squeak: I don't know. Let's ask Garfield. (Garfield places a bell over Underburger's head and rings the bell using a hammer.) Must be five o'clock.
Samuel W. Underburger: (shaking) That is not funny, plus it's a quarter to six.
(Eddie Gourmand comes up to Underburger for the third time.)
Eddie Gourmand: Excuse me a third time, sir. Do you like strawberry cream pie?
Samuel W. Underburger: No, I do not like strawberry cream pie. I detest strawberry cream pie.
Eddie Gourmand: Good, because this one is lemon meringue.
(Eddie shoves the lemon meringue pie in Underburger's face.)
Samuel W. Underburger: Take a risk of repeating myself. That is not funny. Oof!
(Underburger walks forward, with his face still covered with a pie, then falls forward into a hole that has been dug up by the mole. Garfield, the mice and the mole looks down in surprise.)
Squeak: Did he even crack a smile?
Garfield: Nope.
Samuel W. Underburger: YAAAOWWW!!! I've had it with all this nonsense, this foolishness. You will all pay for this. I am writing you ALL out of this show. This comedy thing is childish and a complete waste of time. I may not become one of the great literary figures writing this... this cartoon show. But I will tell you what I do have. I have my dignity.
(Underburger slips on a banana peel that he walks on. This causes him to laugh with everyone and eventually change his mindset about adding humor to scripts.)
Samuel W. Underburger: (laughing) Garfield, if I could only make everyone feel like this.
Garfield: Well, I'll tell you what make my show funny. That's a start.
Samuel W. Underburger: (laughing) But I don't know... I don't know how to do that.
Garfield: Well, I'll help you. You need pies in the face, people in chicken costumes...
Samuel W. Underburger: (laughing) Wait, wait (takes the banana peel of his peel and start writing these ideas on his laptop) let me get this down.
Garfield: Oh, and dogs. Dogs are funny, especially ones with long wet tongues.
Samuel W. Underburger: Odie, I'll put Odie back in.
Garfield: Okay, and that's O-D-I-E not know why.
Samuel W. Underburger: Yes, always.
(The scene changes back to Garfield's home on the film set, with dark clouds in the background.)
Jon: Liz, I'm glad you're here. I have something for you, something very important.
Liz: And I have something for you, Jon
(Liz shoves a pie in Jon's face.)
Jim Davis: Cut!
(Everyone on the film set are laughing.)
Garfield: Now, this is what my show is like.
Samuel W. Underburger: (laughs) I'm proud to put the name underburger on it. (his phone rings and answers it) Hello? What? It's the network.
Garfield: Not the network.
Samuel W. Underburger: What? No, no, but you're wrong. No, no, no, this is so much more entertaining. (talks to Garfield) They want all the jokes out and all the serious back in.
Garfield: No way! (grabs the phone) Let me talk to them. Is this the network? This is Garfield and I won't allow it. I won't allow you to ruin my show by...
(Water from inside the phone is squirted onto Garfield and this causes everyone on the film set to laugh.)
Samuel W. Underburger: That's how...
(The episode ends with Garfield with wet fur after being squirted with water and mumbling, while everyone on the film set is laughing.)
THE END