Garfield: Thank you, thank you for that lovely seated ovation. Tonight, I shall read the great poem, The Pied Piper of Hamelin by some poet guy. [clears throat].
Garfield: [reading] The Pied Piper by "some poet guy":
A couple hundred years ago, / in Hamelin by the bay,
There was a lovely city where / the children were at play.
The food was great in Hamelin;
Almost all the travel books / agreed that Hamelin had the / best in fine Italian cooks.
The cuisine was the very best, / the people grew and thrived,
Until the day, one summer, when / the rodents all arrived.
No one knows where they came from, nor / what caused the sudden boom,
But soon the town was swarming with / a rat in every room.
The mice were in the buildings, and / the churches, and the schools,
They filled the local marketplace, / and all the swimming pools.
You'd open up a cupboard and / you'd find them in your grub.
When someone tried to take a bath, / the mice would share the tub.
The worst of it was that the chefs / could not make food to please,
You cannot cook Italian when / the rodents take your cheese.
The people stormed the castle, / and were brief and most concise,
Demanding that the king should act / to rid their town of mice.
Alas the people had a king / as craven as could be,
Who never ever would accept / responsibility.
The timid James the 2nd, more eva-sive than a bird,
Would not admit involvement in / the birth of James the 3rd.
And as with any problem, his / reaction was the same:
"You needn't find solutions if / you find someone to blame"
The king called his advisors, and / they huddled to determine,
Just whom to hold responsible / for getting rid of vermin.
The king explained the goal was not / to stop the mice assault,
"I need someone that I can hold" / "completely and at fault."
They studied all the choices, all the / scapegoats and buffoons,
And picked a man named Jon who was / a maker of cartoons.
They brought him to the king, who told / this lowly illustrator:
"From now on, your new title is / the town exterminator."
The young man said, "I know the mice" / "are most unwelcome guests,"
"But I know not the first thing ab-out getting rid of pests."
"I promise to support your plans," / the royal coward said.
"Just do the job, and do it well," / "and you'll not lose your head."
The king took to his balcony, / and regally decreed,
That Jon would drive the mice away / with all apparent speed.
He then fled to his throne room, feel-ing sorry for the schnook,
For Jon was on the hot seat, and / the king was off the hook.
At first, the people welcomed Jon, / some sparse applause and cheers,
But then they all went running when / he asked for volunteers.
Without a single ally, no / assistance or advice,
The one named Jon set out to rid / the village of the mice.
He tried to chase the rodents but / they only chased him back.
There were too many mice for Jon / to mount a true attack.
He tried to set up traps for them, / they mocked his sad attempt.
The mice laughed at him all the / day, and even while he dreamt.
He tried each store-bought product, eve-ry mice-controlling spray,
And not a single one of them / drove one small mouse away,
The people started to complain, / Jon's mood was very down,
The day a handsome stranger chanced / to venture into town.
The stranger's fame preceded him, / the honors and the glory,
And why'd it take so long to get / a cat into this story?
"My name is the Pied Piper, I" / "play horn and I'm a dancer."
Jon asked, "Why do they call you 'Pied'?" / The cat said, "Here's your answer."
"You have a rodent problem, let" / "me lay an offer on ya:"
"I'll solve it if you'll pay me in / spaghetti and lasagna."
"The king will surely pay that price," / thought Jon with gratitude,
"To get rid of the mice for just / some cheap Italian food!"
And so the deal was confirmed, both / parties satisfied,
The piper took his pipe out and / of course, was quickly pied.
His music had two strange effects / in different neighborhoods:
It caused the mice to get in step, / while humans threw baked goods.
The rodents were all victims of / his musical harangue.
Most humans held their ears in pain, / and hurled a mean meringue.
In spite of that, he went to work / throughout the afternoon.
The piper danced around the town / and played his catchy tune.
The rats came in all sizes, from the / skinny to the wide,
And fell in step behind the one / continually pied.
From everywhere in Hamelin, mice / were dancing from their holes,
The piper kept on playing, dod-ging bagels, cakes, and rolls.
And soon he gathered all the mice / in many shades and colors,
They'd put the piper to the test, / he'd passed with flying crullers,
He led the mice right out of town, / the people started cheering
The minute that they realized / the mice were disappearing.
But none was quite as happy as / the lad the king recruited:
He'd solved the mouse dilemma with-out getting executed.
But when he went to tell the king / they owed the cat a meal,
He found his highness not inclined / to honor any deal.
The king said, "You may think it cheap" / "for driving off the mice,"
"But go and tell your piper that / I will not pay his price!"
"To do so would be to admit / I had to get a hand."
"The people must believe their king / was fully in-command!"
He had the young man dragged away / and ordered a parade,
While Jon went down to tell the cat / he'd not be getting paid.
"I promised you lasagna, but" / "the king won't pay your fee!"
The piper wasn't too surprised, he / said, "Leave this to me."
"When I play the forbidden notes, / and this is not a boast,"
"I'll take away the beings that / this town will miss the most"
He made a strange adjustment to / the valves upon his pipe,
And started in to play a tune / of some uncanny type.
The young man had a scary thought, / and he was heard to say,
"You're going to take the children / of the village all away!"
The piper stopped his brand new tune / and said, "You must be deaf."
"Who needs a bunch of children? I" / "want every pasta chef!"
And so the piper played / the song, which quickly overtook
Each citizen of Hamelin who / was an Italian cook.
From every pizzeria, they / fell in behind the kitty,
Who led them off to somewhere far / away from Hamelin city.
The people were so angry, that / they overthrew the king,
The only time he'd ever ta-ken blame for anything.
They never saw the chefs again, / but this much we can tell:
Wherever the Pied Piper was, / he sure was eating well.
Garfield: The End.