(slow piano music)
[Garfield]
This cartoon's the story of a neighbor
Who has recently arrived.
[Jon]
Making friends with him was quite a labor.
I'm amazed that we survived!
[Garfield]
We went to get a little bit acquainted
And to welcome Mr. Block.
[Jon]
When I heard the guy, I very nearly fainted.
And my cat went into shock.
[Garfield]
(sadly) Yes, I did.
(music then picks up)
[Jon]
He had a slight obsession. He was filled with raw aggression.
When he saw I had my pussycat along.
[Garfield]
While Jon just stood there gaping, I was thinking of escaping
As the man began his song.
[Mr. Block]
They're screeching and yelling, and always rebelling,
And that's why I hate a pussycat!
Their litter's aroma could bring on a coma,
And that's why I hate a pussycat!
Given the choice, I would rather have a dog!
A cat just lies like a bump upon a log!
But when a puppy is playing, a cat's disobeying,
And getting increasingly fat!
That's why I hate a pussycat!
A cat is always shedding and getting into scrapes...
[Jon]
But they don't cost all that much to keep.
[Mr. Block]
A cat will claw your bedding and rip up all your drapes!
[Jon]
But they're kind of cute when they're asleep.
Once in awhile, some cats will catch a mouse.
[Mr. Block]
And in exchange, bring the fleas into your house!
[Jon]
They're crafty and cautious.
[Mr. Block]
They all make me nauseous!
I wish every one of them would scat!
That's why I hate a pussycaaaaaaaaaaaat!
(door slams)
Jon: Looks like our new neighbor just doesn't like cats, Garfield.
Garfield: Oh, you picked up on that, too.
Jon: The farther you stay away from him, the better.
(Garfield sneaks to a corner of Block's house just as a TV truck arrives with tires screeching)
(smartly dressed TV Talk Show Host comes to the house)
(doorbell rings)
Mr. Block: If you're a cat, go away!
Talk Show Host: I'm not a cat.
Mr. Block: Yes?
Talk Show Host: Are you Theodore "F" for Feline-hater-Block, the man who hates cats?
Mr. Block: I am! Who are you?!
Talk Show Host: (laughs) Who am I?
(begins to sing and dance)
[Talk Show Host]
Oh, I'm your typical afternoon controversial TV Talk Show Host.
I'm at the ratings' mercy. I live for controversy.
I'll put on anyone who's seen a monster or ghost.
I'm searching for a guest the people can detest
When they watch from coast to coast.
If you just got a diet from a UFO,
If you like to go swimming when it's 20 below,
If you just married Elvis, that'll keep them engrossed,
'Cause I'm a typical afternoon controversial TV Talk Show Host!
Talk Show Host: (speaking) I'd like to have you on my show this afternoon.
Mr. Block: To tell the world the truth about what monsters cats are?
Talk Show Host: If you want. I just want to start trouble and get ratings.
(The two people shake hands as the scene cross fades upstairs to Block's attic)
[Mr. Block]
I can recall when I was small.
This kid did not have a friend.
One Christmas Eve, My Uncle Steve
Gave me a buddy on whom to depend.
Right from the start, never apart.
Some folks thought it was weird.
Life was a dream. We were a team
Until the day that my cat disappeared.
Early one day, I went to play.
But my cat couldn't be found.
I called his name. He never came.
I searched the yard, but he wasn't around.
Foo Foo had fled. Wished I was...(sobs)
Mr. Block: Oh, Foo Foo, why'd you leave me? You were my only friend. I trusted you. I've never trusted anyone else since, especially a cat! (crumples an old photo of Foo Foo and throws it across the room to Garfield, who has sneaked in and takes it) Cats are good-for-nothing, miserable...(angrily closes his photo album and tosses it aside).
(Garfield sneaks out of the attic and stumbles into an alley)
Garfield: I have to find a cat who looks like Foo Foo. (sees a tan-colored cat going by) Nope. (sees a brown cat running by) No. (sees an old black and white cat walking by). Wait! He looks just like the cat in the photo, only older!
(Garfield runs to the old cat and stops him)
Garfield: Excuse me, uh, do you live somewhere?
Old Cat: Well, under cars, in alleys.
Garfield: Ah-ha! Would you like a home?
Old Cat: With a human?
Garfield: Well, I guess some people might call him that, yes.
Old Cat: (scoffs) Why would I want that?
Garfield: (chuckles) Sounds like a song cue to me.
(upbeat music)
[Garfield]
Life on the street isn't so sweet.
I know a guy who needs a cat.
My life is proof. I have a roof.
To keep me warm, I have a thermostat.
Constantly fed. Breakfast in bed.
How do you think I got so fat.
You can stay out here through every storm.
Me, I'll be in where it's cozy and warm.
If this sounds good, then let's have a chat.
I know a guy who needs a cat!
Old Cat: Gee. What you're saying makes sense 'cause...(sings)
[Old Cat]
I don't enjoy being chilly and wet.
Gee, do you think he'd have me as his pet?
[Garfield]
He'll adopt you in about ten seconds flat!
This fella really needs a cat!
Old Cat; Gee, this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You don't know how long I've dreamed of this moment.
Garfield: Good. Oh, there's just one thing.
Old Cat: Yeah?
Garfield: You'll have to change your name to Foo Foo.
("Foo Foo" has a confused expression on his face after Garfield's last sentence as the scene cuts to a dressing room at a TV station)
Mr Block: I shall tell the whole world what reprehensible animals cats are! Ho they are useless and unfaithful...and...
(Foo Foo gets pushed into the dressing room by Garfield against his will as he crashes into a basket of makeup, which gets wheeled into the back of Block's chair)
(Block turns around and his eyes open wide at a smiling Foo Foo who just entered the room)
Mr Block: Foo Foo, is it you-you? (runs to hug Foo Foo) After all these years, you came back to me!
Foo Foo: Hey, take it easy, pal! We've just met!
Production Assistant: Mr. Block! Mr. Block! You're being introduced!
(the scene cuts to the Talk Show Host's studio)
[Talk Show Host]
Oh, here's your typical afternoon controversial TV talk show guest!
Today, I am presenting someone you'll be resenting,
For you adore a show with hate that's loudly expressed!
And now, I'm bringing you an exclusive interview with someone you'll detest!
This man despises cats so much you'll think he is nuts!
I know you won't change channels while he's spilling his guts!
Of all the angry folks I've had on, he is the best!
Now here's your typical afternoon controversial TV talk show guest!
(round of applause)
Talk Show Host: Uh, yes. This is famed cat hater, Theodore Block. Mr. Block, would you tell our viewing audience just how you feel about cats?
(Garfield and Foo Foo look on nervously as Block begins his song)
[Mr. Block]
It's so reassuring when you hear one purring.
And that's why I love a pussycat.
Talk Show Host: Now wait a minute, sir...
[Mr. Block]
Their fur is like ermine. They guard us from vermin.
And that's why I love a pussycat.
Talk Show Host: We advertised hatred today--
[Mr. Block]
There are some people who'd rather have a dog.
Talk Show Host: It's sweeps week!
[Mr. Block]
That kind of thinking just leaves me all agog.
Talk Show Host: There go my ratings!
[Mr. Block]
But when a puppy is yapping, a kitty is napping.
You need one in every habitat.
That's why I love a pussycat.
Talk Show Host: No one wants to watch nice things on daytime TV!!
[Mr. Block]
A cat will let you pet him and interrupt his nap.
[Foo Foo]
But we'd rather no one made a peep!
[Mr. Block]
And any time you'll let him, he will sit upon your lap.
[Garfield]
And he'll stay till your legs are fast asleep.
[Mr. Block]
There is a pet shop with twenty cats or more.
I'm going to go down and buy out all in store!
[Foo Foo]
You hug them and kiss them.
[Garfield]
And frequently miss them.
[Mr. Block]
The animal world's aristocrat!
[Garfield, Foo Foo, and Mr. Block]
That's why I (he) love(s) a pussycat!
(The Talk Show Host disgustedly walks off the stage)
Garfield: (to Foo Foo) That's your new master. What do you think?
Foo Foo: Well, I kind of like him. I think he'll take good care of me. Maybe, long ago, I even was his Foo Foo. Can't we do something about that name?
[Mr. Block]
They really impress you, the way they caress you.
[Garfield and Foo Foo]
And that's why he loves a pussycat.
[Mr. Block]
And even when tiny, they keep themselves shiny.
[Garfield and Foo Foo]
And that's why he loves a pussycat.
[Mr. Block]
There are some people, who'd rather have a fish.
What good's a pet who just swims around a dish?
[Foo Foo]
But while a fish keeps you waiting...
[Garfield]
...a cat's fascinating!
[Mr. Block]
The whole world should hear my message that...
[All]
That's why I (he) love(s) a pussycaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
(cheers and applause as Garfield takes the "No Cats" signs down and the Talk Show Host disgracefully exits the show)
Garfield: Meow.