Mouse: And now, live, well, animated from the Garfield Television Studio, we bring you the First Annual Garfield Watchers Test.
Garfield: Thank you. Welcome to the First Annual Garfield Watchers Test. Well, today, we're gonna--
Mouse: (interrupting) The First Annual Garfield Watchers Test is brought to you by the Schlocko Battery-Powered Battery Changer. The only battery changer guaranteed to change its own batteries.
(Garfield falls to the floor from the vanished logo)
Garfield: Right. Like I was saying, welcome to the First Annual Garfield Watch--
Mouse: And by the Schlocko Cabbage Waxer. Now you can wax your cabbage with the cabbage waxer the professionals use.
Garfield: (annoyed) Are you quite finished?
Mouse: Back to you, Garfield!
Garfield: Thank you. (to the audience) Today, folks, we're gonna see if you've been paying attention while watching my show. Get your pencils ready.
Mouse: And make sure they're Schlocko Pencils. Schlocko Pencils can write in any language. English, French, Spanish, even Pig Latin. Schlocko Pencils write long sentences, short sentences, vowels, consonants--
Garfield: All right! Enough! Cut! Time out! The cat's had his fill of this! (to the audience) Excuse me one moment folks. Like we don't have enough commercials on this show already. (to the mouse) Okay, bigmouth, what's with all the Schlocko commercials on my show?
Mouse: They're paying us to do them.
Garfield: How much?
Mouse: This much!
Garfield: That's...that's enough money to keep me in food for a whole month...week! How much of that do I get?
Mouse: Half. What do you have to say now?
Garfield: And now, this word from our sponsor!
Mouse: Hey, kids! Would you like to have the neatest, most fun toy in the whole world? Well, here it is: the Schlocko Ball 2000! Yes! The Schlocko Ball 2000 is the most incredible space age invention of the century. Throw it down, it magically flies back into your hand. Throw it up in the air. It harnesses the mystic forces of gravity to return to you. Made out of a top-secret miracle formula.
Garfield: It's made out of rubber.
Mouse: That's the Schlocko Ball 2000, only $99.95 wherever Schlocko stuff is sold.
Garfield: (pauses) Is it my turn, finally?
Mouse: (clears throat) And now, back to the First Annual Garfield Watchers Test!
Garfield: Thank you. Here's Question Number One: This kitchen employs 32 cooks and 41 assistants. They are busily preparing a meal for: "A," the Fifth Marine Division; "B," the entire state of Indiana; or "C," me. The correct answer is, of course, "C." (chuckles) That was an easy one to get us started. Question Number Two: Jon is supposed to pick up a beautiful lady for a date at eight o'clock. When he gets home, he will be: "A," proud of how charming he was; "B," hopelessly in love; or "C," in plenty of time for the nine o'clock news. And the correct answer is "C." Jon Arbuckle dates do not last long. I sometimes use them to time soft-boiled eggs. Question Number Three: The average doggie tongue is: "A," six inches long; "B," twelve inches long; or "C," easily mistaken for a freeway. "C," easily mistaken for a freeway! Especially since Odie's nose looks like an off-ramp. The next question is how--
Mouse: (interrupting) The next question is...are you sick of wrapping presents for your friends and family?
Garfield: No, the next question is about lasagna.
Mouse: Then you need the Schlocko Wrap-O-Matic! The Schlocko Wrap-O-Matic wraps, folds, bends, knots, and ties. Just watch how easily the Schlocko Warp-O-Matic will wrap a gift according to the holiday of your choice. (to Garfield) Uh, Garfield, would you hold up that box for us?
Garfield: Oh, the things I do for money.
Mouse: Now we push the start button and begin a wrap session.
(tense instrumental music)
Garfield: Hey, unhand me! Do I look like a gift?!
Mouse: The Schlocko Wrap-O-Matic does gifts for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving...
Mouse: ...and Elvis Presley's birthday! See how quickly it works. That's the Schlocko Wrap-O-Matic. (to Garfield) And now, back to you, Garfield!
Garfield: (muffled) Let me out!
(comical instrumental music)
Garfield: (gasps) I'm getting sick of these commercials.
Mouse: Think of the money.
Garfield: (mumbling) Our next question is about lasagna! After removing lasagna from the oven, it will stay fresh for: "A," 24 hours; "B," 12 hours; or "C," it doesn't matter. It's gone in 19 seconds. The correct answer is always "C," if you haven't noticed by now. Okay, here's another question about lasagna. Lasagna is--
Mouse: (interrupting) And speaking of lasagna...
Garfield: As I usually am.
Mouse: When you don't have time to cook pasta, try Schlocko brand Frozen Microwave Lasagna Food Substitute Product!
Garfield: Food Substitute Product? Let me see that stuff. Contains partially hydrogenated soybean oil, hydrolyzed vegetable protein, potassium chloride, xanthan gum....
Mouse: All you need is a microwave oven!
Garfield: There's no cheese in this or tomato...or food!
Mouse: Just pop it in for two-point-three seconds. (pushes buttons)
(microwave oven beeps)
Mouse: And you have delicious Schlocko brand Frozen Microwave Lasagna Food Product Substitute. Try it.
(Garfield tastes the lasagna; his whole body shivers)
Garfield: (gasps) Are you sure you took it out of the box?
Mouse: Look for Schlocko Frozen Food Product Substitutes everywhere!
Garfield: Everywhere? No! This cannot be! These people must be stopped! I am now going to: "A," go on with the show; "B," allow these commercials to continue; or "C," demonstrate the Schlocko Mouse Elminator. What's the answer?
(Garfield dashes off and back on with the machine)
Garfield: "C," of course.
Mouse: Garfield, think about the money.
Garfield: Some things are more important than money. Bad lasagna, to name one.
(fast-paced instrumental music)
(The Mouse races away from the stage and the show)
Garfield: Sorry, folks. We'll resume the First Annual Garfield Watchers Test with no further interruption.
(his foot turns the Schlocko Wrap-O-Matic switch to ON; causing it to wrap Garfield in another box)
Garfield: For the last question, I asked Jon Arbuckle and Odie to join me and...hey! Hey! Stop! Turn it off! I know I'm gifted, but this is ridiculous! (scream of frustration)
Jon: We're here, Garfield! Garfield?
Jon: Gosh, Odie. I guess we missed the show.
Jon: But look! Garfield left us a present! Let's take it home.
Odie: Yeah. Yeah.
(scene changes to Garfield's house)
(pleasant instrumental music)
Jon: No, Odie. It says, "Do Not Open Until Christmas." And that's exactly what we're going to do. Even if it is more than nine months away.
Garfield: (muffled) Last question: The Second Annual Garfield Watchers Test will occur: "A," next year; "B," next decade; or "C," over my dead body. You know the answer. Good night. (sighs)