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"Halt! Officer Odie orders you to stop and help!"
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(The episode begins one day above Jon’s house. The TV is playing a documentary about baby animals)
Man on TV: This is a baby kangaroo.
Nermal: Not as cute as me. (Inside, Nermal is watching the TV and stroking his overinflated ego)
Man on TV: And this is a baby panda.
Nermal: (shaking his head) Not as cute as me. (He rolls his eyes)
Man on TV: Here we see a baby rhinoceros.
Nermal: Definitely not as cute as me. Ha! (He turns to the audience) I love watching nature films on TV. (Garfield and Odie are on the sofa, not pleased with their new houseguest)
Garfield: Remind me when you’re leaving, Nermal. (He glances over and points at him) Oh and feel free to use the word “now” in your answer.
Nermal: Laughs A few more weeks. (This news surprised both pets, and not in a good way)
Garfield: What?!
Odie: Yowl! (He and Garfield react at the same time)
Garfield: Moan… (He facepalms and glances over to his canine companion) I can’t take this any more, Odie. Prolonged exposure to Nermal is hazardous to my health.
Odie: Uh-huh. (He rolls his eyes, agreeing, and looks over at the kitten)
Nermal: Oh look! (He points at the TV) 27 baby penguins! None of them as cute as me.
Garfield: Grrrrrrr! (He scowls, and Odie also glares angrily at Nermal. The TV switches from the baby penguins and presents a newscast with the Anchorwoman reporting)
Anchorwoman: And don’t forget to join us tomorrow for the nationwide (A picture of a cat hugging a trophy appears behind her) search for America’s cutest cat!
Nermal: Gasp! (His mouth is open and he breathes heavily)
Anchorwoman: In every big city, contestants are already lining up for a chance to win (Cut back to the anchorwoman) this year’s Cutest Cat trophy!
Nermal: Cutest Cat trophy? Wow! (He gets trophies for eyes) I haven’t won a Cutest Cat trophy since… (He looks at the mantle, which has four trophies, two silver and two gold, but they all glint) Tuesday. (He turns his attention back to the news)
Anchorwoman: And the winning cat will also receive an (She lifts her finger) all expense paid six-month vacation in Greenland! (She tosses her card away as she lifts her arms. Garfield overhears this)
Garfield: Greenland? Nermal in Greenland? (He clasps his paws together and spreads his toes apart) Far far away in… (He pauses and looks at Odie) how far far away IS Greenland?
Odie: (shaking his head) I don’t know.
Garfield: Never mind. It’s gotta be far enough away. Giggle (He reclines in his seat) Six months without Nermal. (He rolls his eyes. Nermal is up from his seat)
Nermal: (pointing up) I have GOT to win that contest! (Garfield steps next to him and points)
Garfield: Yes, you have GOT (Nermal smiles and nods) to win that contest! Well what are you waiting for, (Garfield pushes the kitten out the door) Nermal? Let’s get you entered! (He turns up the sidewalk and soon both cats disappear from view. Odie trots after them) There are flights to Greenland leaving every hour.
(Later that day, at Town Hall, several other hopeful pet owners are lined up to enter their pets, one of them being Jim Davis. Nermal has signed up for the contest and he leaves with Garfield hanging his head and Odie close behind)
Nermal: OK, I'm all entered in the contest tomorrow and I’m gonna WIN, (He makes jazz paws and sing-songs “WIN”) and do you know why, Garfield?
Garfield: (insincerely) Of course. Because you’re the cutest cat in the WHOLLLLLE town. (He sets a paw on Nermal’s back and ushers him out. He glances behind him and comments to Odie) Soon to be the cutest cat in Greenland. (The pup follows)
(Nearby, Eddie Gourmand, one of the judges of the contest, talks about what he is going to do as judge to someone who is writing it down)
Eddie Gourmand: I take my responsibility as judge seriously! (He leaves view for a moment) I have a chance to set trends, (He walks back into view) to influence public taste! I want to redefine what cute is! Fashions change, styles change, (He raises his finger at the scribe) cute must change! I am so bored with what passes for cute. Things like… hmm… (He looks around for an example of cute. It doesn’t take long for him to find the obvious candidate)
Nermal: Giggles
Odie: Pants
Eddie Gourmand: That! (He points at Nermal)
Nermal: Huh?! (He blinks in shock)
Eddie Gourmand: The opposite of that! (He walks away) That will be the new cute!
Nermal: The opposite of cute? How can I be the opposite of cute? (His personality already is 90% of the time. He turns around) Do you know what the opposite of cute is, Garfield? You! (He points at Garfield)
Garfield: Sigh. (He rolls his eyes. Odie seems to enjoy this)
Odie: Snickers (He lies on his back, clutching his stomach. Garfield, obviously, does not take kindly to this)
Garfield: Moan. (He glares at Odie and taps his foot impatiently. Odie, seeing him, promptly covers his eyes)
Odie: Moan… (When Garfield turns around, he is alarmed to see Nermal gone)
Garfield: Wha-? (The kitten is heading for the door, defeated)
Nermal: Let’s face it. I’ll never win this contest. (He exits the building) Moan… (He hops down the stairs. Garfield and Odie burst through the doors) I'll never win ANY contest! I may as well just stay home and watch TV all day, (He glances behind him) at your house.
Garfield: NO! (He drops to his knees and pulls his whiskers in horror. Odie also seems displeased, though not to Garfield’s extent)
Nermal: Cries (Garfield scurries down the stairs and, while on his knees, attempts to convince Nermal otherwise)
Garfield: You can’t give up now, Nermal. Think of the glory, think of the pride, (Odie is still at the top of the stairs, silently watching) think of six months away in Greenland.
Nermal: But cute is all I got. (He gets angry) How can I possibly become uncute? (Garfield, now carrying Nermal over his head, races down the street)
Garfield: I can teach it to you before the competition tomorrow, but you gotta work hard! There’s no time to waste! (Odie sprints after them)
Odie: Mutters
(After returning home, Nermal’s uncuteness training begins)
Garfield: Fine, let’s start with manners, shall we? (Garfield and Nermal are at the table. The fat cat has a piece of lasagna on a plate in front of him) We have to get rid of them. (He slides the plate over to Nermal) Show me how you eat lasagna. (The kitten grabs the fork on the plate and very cleanly takes a bite and chews it. Garfield is appalled) Oh! (He waves his arms in front of him) No, no, no, no! Too cute! (He pounds the table so hard the plate leaps back over to him. He grabs another fork and shows it to the kitten) First you’re gonna have to (He raises his finger) do away with the silverware. (He points at the fork and proceeds to toss it into the ceiling) Laughs (Several other forks are lodged into the ceiling, including one that seems to be floating in midair) Watch and learn, Nermal. (He raises his finger, and Nermal looks at him) This is the uncute way to eat lasagna. (He pounds the table again, launching the plate into the air. He leaps for it with his mouth open and his tongue hanging. He sloppily devours it, disgusting the kitten)
Nermal: Eugh! Eww! Bleech! Garfield, (He points) careful, some of that’s actually getting in your MOUTH! Moan… (He becomes light-headed and faints out of his chair. He grabs the table’s edge and pulls himself up as Garfield finishes and holds his tummy)
Garfield: Laughs That was a good one. (He grabs another plate of lasagna) Your turn, Nermal. (He slides it over to him once more)
Nermal: Moan… Eugh! (He takes a tiny crumb) Eww! (He chews it and eats it, which surprises Garfield)
Garfield: Huh? Too neat! (He shakes his head no) It needs something… uncute, something disgusting even. (He turns) Gasp! (Odie is sleeping with his head on the end table and his body on the floor)
Odie: Snore!
Garfield: (raising his finger) I know! Doggy tongue. (He calls over the pup) Odie, front and center. (He points, and Odie immediately appears front and center. He runs over to Nermal and delivers some slurps to his face)
Odie: Bark!
Nermal: Whimpers Stop! Odie, stop! Eugh! Stop! (They both fall out of the chair. Odie continues licking him) EUUUGH! Please make him stop!
Garfield: Laughs (He looks up and sees Jon on the other side of the room) Gasp! (Jon is watching Odie give Nermal some big licks)
Odie: Slurp! Slurp! Slurp! Slurp!
Jon: (pointing) Laughs (He puts his hand to his chin) Odie licking your face like that, Nermal, (He points again) you are so cute! (He leaves. Garfield blinks, and then looks at the gray kitten and yellow puppy)
Garfield: Ugh, (He shrugs) this is gonna take longer (He taps his paw on the table) than I thought. (He spots Nermal’s unfinished lasagna on the table) Snickers (He pounds the table, sending the lasagna flying)
(Some time later, it is time for Nermal’s next bit of training. While Odie naps on the couch, the two cats stand together in the living room)
Garfield: Nermal, do you know how to play with one of these? (He pulls a ball out from behind his back and tosses it in his paw. Nermal’s eyes get big, one at a time)
Nermal: Giggles Sure. (He swipe the ball in midair, sits down and bounces it on his hands and feet) Laughs (Garfield looks at him, frustrated, and whips out a remote that freezes the entire cartoon, except for himself)
Garfield: I hope none of you are trying to eat while you watch this. (He gestures to the kitten and then resumes the cartoon with the remote)
Nermal: Giggles (Garfield swipes the ball back) Meow?
Garfield: Wrong, wrong, wrong! (He raises his finger) And in that order.
Nermal: Gasp!
Garfield: Let me show you what an UN-cute cat does with a ball. You use them to occupy small-minded dogs. Odie! (The pup’s ears instantly prick up and he snaps awake)
Odie: Huh? (Garfield grins sinisterly)
Garfield: Fetch! (He tosses the ball into the kitchen. Odie, after running in place for a moment, chases after it)
Odie: Bark! Bark, bark, bark! Bark! Pants (He runs toward the kitchen, and then seeing the ball bounce back into the living room, turns around and follows) Bark! Bark! Bark! (He heads straight for Nermal, who raises his paws to brace for impact)
Nermal: YAAHHH! (Odie hits him like a truck) Oooof! (The ball bounces toward the kitchen, now with Nermal riding Odie backwards like a jockey on a horse) Stop! Stop! (The ball goes out the window) Look out! Help! (In single-minded, or perhaps no-minded, determination, Odie leaps onto the counter and out the window, taking the kitten with him)
Odie: YOWWLLLL! (They crash into a trash can, sending various trash items flying. Garfield looks down at them from the window)
Garfield: Chuckles (He turns around and addresses the viewers) Well, at least that wasn’t cute. (He hears laughter, which catches him by surprise and frustrates him)
Jon: Laughs Oh, Nermal and Odie, that’s so cute! (Garfield looks back out the window. Nermal and Odie are sitting in a heap in a filled trash can) Playing hide-and-seek in the trash cans like that. (Garfield watches in stunned silence) In fact, everything you DO (He strokes the kitten’s head) is so cute, Nermal! (He leaves for the front yard, and the animals watch)
Garfield: Gasp!
Nermal: (with a paw to his head, dramatically) I’m doomed! Doomed to a life of eternal cuteness. (He shakes his head) I just can’t not be cute. (Garfield races outside through the back)
Garfield: You can and you will! (He skids to a stop next to them) Your trip to Greenland (He points at him) and my peace and quiet depend on it! (He opens a trash can and peers inside of it. He reaches inside) A little of this, (As Odie watches from the sidewalk and Nermal from inside a trash can, Garfield tosses various trash–including a dead fish, a banana peel, and a yogurt cup–into a lid that he is holding like a plate) some of this, oh and this is disgusting! (Odie glances at the viewers) Some of this, (He hops down from the trash can) now mix well… (He stuffs the unsavory items onto the kitten’s head and throws the lid away, throwing it smack into Odie’s nose)
Odie: Yowl! (He falls forward onto the ground)
Nermal: (nervously) Garfield, (Garfield stands on the trash can he was rooting through) what are you doing?! (Odie is still on the ground whining in pain. His right hind leg twitches)
Garfield: (with a broom in his paws) I’m giving you an uncute makeover. (He winks and then stirs Nermal up with all the trash, mixing them up like a blender making the world’s worst smoothie)
Nermal: YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (The kitten bobs up and down in the can. By now, Odie has freed himself from the lid and watches, at first confused, but soon he collects himself) YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Odie: Yow! (His eyes open wide. Garfield grabs the can, turns it upside-down, and reveals his creation)
Garfield: Voila! (Nermal is an absolute mess, covered in trash and gunk from head to toe. Odie trots over to give him the smell test)
Odie: Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff! Ewwww! (He recoils in disgust, and his head turns an unnatural shade of vomit green)
Nermal: What was all that for? (Odie’s head retakes its daffodil yellow color, and a swarm of flies starts buzzing over Nermal’s head)
Garfield: (pointing up) This, Nermal, is the final threshold on your journey (He rubs his paws together) to the land of uncute. (He gestures to him and stands over him) Now you are ready.
Nermal: Ugh, (Odie’s eyes narrow, fully grossed out) can I (He points up) at least wear a little flowery (He wiggles his fingers) deodorant? (He grins. The Flabby Tabby and big-hearted beagle hold their noses)
Garfield: No.
(The next day is the day of the cat show. Four contestants are on stage before Eddie Gourmand, striking poses and showing off)
Eddie Gourmand: Oh, cute, cute, VERY cute. (The crowd applauds them) REPULSIVELY cute! (Eddie sits at his judging table looking down at them while someone else writes down what he says) I wanna see that new kind of cute, (He raises his hand) the kind that defies convention, the kind that says, “I am so cute, (He pounds the table, and a soda glass bounces in place) I am not afraid to be uncute!” (Garfield, Odie, and a downtrodden Nermal enter. The cats both seem nervous)
Nermal: Moan…
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: I don’t get it either, but he’s the judge. (He looks at Nermal and gives him a pat on the back) Show ‘em what you got, Nermal!
Odie: Bark! (With that bit of encouragement, Garfield shoves Nermal onto the stage)
Nermal: Hey! (He slides up to the side of the other contestants, despite being far from confident) Mew. (He glances behind him for advice, which Garfield provides)
Garfield: And keep your eyes on the prize! (He secretly tells the viewers) I’ll keep mine on that plane ticket to Greenland. (He then catches a whiff of something. Something tasty) Sniff, sniff, sniff! Mm, I smell buffet! (His twinkle toes carry him over there) It smells like, (The Tubby Tabby twirls on his toes) SNIFF, (He puts a paw to his chin) 37 items including (He counts on his fingers) carved prime rib, medium-rare, sweet potatoes, (He holds his finger up) and chocolate raspberry souffle. Laughs (He crawls under the rope and curtain blocking the buffet off. There on the table is a pile of all different types of food, from ham to muffins to something under a dome) Ooh! (He updates Odie on the situation) Odie, you keep an eye on what’s-his-name. (He points up) I’m otherwise… occupied. (He disappears to devour the dishes. Odie is puzzled as to what his feline friend is up to)
Odie: Huh? (He gives a confused look to the audience, but he soon hears what Garfield is doing)
Garfield: Chewing noises (Odie’s ears stand up on end. He is mortified)
Odie: Sputters Moan… (He covers his eyes, only barely peeking, and then rolls his eyes and shakes his head at his friend’s antics)
(Meanwhile, Nermal takes the stage, and the other cats notice him)
Cat Contestant 1: Oh my stars and garters, is that really Nermal? (The second cat plugs his nose and fans his other paw)
Cat Contestant 2: What is that dire stink? (The third also plugs his nose)
Cat Contestant 3: Nermal, you look like you just crawled out of a garbage…
Cat Contestant 4: Gasp! Sputter (Eddie, however, sees what he is looking for in the trash-covered kitten. He zips off of his post and holds Nermal up on a plate)
Nermal: Meow! (He covers his mouth, horrified that he might be deemed “cute”. He then tries ugly meowing) Me-eugh! (The crowd applauds)
Eddie Gourmand: That is JUST the kind of thing I wanted to see: a bold new look! Laughs A new kind of cute! Pussycat, pussycat, (He points at Nermal) I think you may just be my pick! What do you say to that? (Nermal keeps his uncute tactic going)
Nermal: Blech!
Eddie Gourmand: Longing laughs I love it!
(Garfield, meanwhile, had been sloppily devouring nearly the entire buffet)
Garfield: Delicious! Chewing noises Superb! Nom nom nom! (The fat cat is lying on the table, coated in brown and cranberry food gunk from his head to his feet. He is almost as dirty as Nermal at this point, if not more so) And I was wrong, (He holds his finger up) there are 38 items, and the prime rib is medium-well. (And it looks like he got all 38 items on his body in some way. Before he can indulge further, he is stopped by a man in a tuxedo)
Tuxedo Guy: Cat, give me that lemon meringue pie! (Garfield complies by throwing the pie into his face, except the filling is brown and not bright yellow) Oh, (He holds up his hand) I’m sorry, (He points up) that was the chocolate cream pie. (Garfield flings another pie at the man’s face, knocking him over) THAT (He raises his finger) was the lemon meringue pie. (He is joined by a couple of officers) Get him! (He points at Garfield) Stop that cat! (The Tubby Tabby tosses six muffins at them, two for each person)
(Outside, Eddie Gourmand prepares to give Nermal the trophy for cutest uncute cat. A spotlight shines on Nermal)
Eddie Gourmand: (raising his finger) Today we mark a new era in cuteness, a new standard in thinking outside the cute box.
Nermal: Giggles Imagine, I’m not only the cutest cat in the whole wide world, I'm also the uncutest!
Eddie Gourmand: And so it is with great pride, and for a medium-sized fee, that I am proud to name the winner of the contest as… (Before he can hand Nermal the trophy, he is interrupted)
Tuxedo Guy: Stop with that cat! (The spotlight fades and normal lights return to the room. Garfield makes a break for it away from the buffet with a pile of food so high he can’t see in front of him)
Garfield: Pants (He gets clotheslined by the velvet rope) YAHHH! (All the food falls around him, and he hungrily devours it) Chewing noises (Everyone stops and stares in the direction of the fat cat. Garfield, after regathering the food, is quickly surrounded by the officers and tuxedo guy. Seeing how disgusting Garfield is makes Eddie change his mind)
Eddie Gourmand: You! (He points at Garfield and puts the trophy on top of his food stack) You have destroyed all concepts of the OLD cuteness! (Everyone claps for the filthy cat)
Garfield: Laughs (Nermal is horrified and shocked at this development)
Nermal: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That’s my crown! I’M uncute! (He leaps like a child throwing a tantrum) I’m so uncute uncute! (Eddie walks with Garfield, who still has his food pile. The egotistical kitten continues his rage behind them) Garfield, I was supposed to win! Look at me! Isn’t it uncute to be a sore loser?! Hey!
Eddie Gourmand: You are an absolute mess.
Garfield: Hey you don’t look so good yourself, fella.
(Some time later, Garfield is given his prize: a six-month vacation to Greenland)
Garfield: Oh well. (He taps his fingers on his tummy) At least I'll have six months of no Nermal. (A voice over the loudspeaker makes an announcement)
Voice-over: Please fasten your seatbelts. We will be landing shortly in Greenland, where the current temperature is 50 degrees below zero.
Garfield: (shocked) 50 degrees below zero? (He shakes his head) I don’t even want my ice cream that cold. I’ll be alone! (He shifts his gaze between the window and the viewers repeatedly. The plane lands, and Garfield is stuck in the cold, shivering, with nothing but a suitcase and a trophy, his arms across his body and his toes overlapping) Shivers I just have to remember, 6,000 miles away from Nermal, six whole months of peace and qu-quiet. (A voice greets him)
Thermal: Hello, Garfield! (Garfield looks over and sees a Nermal look-alike waving at him)
Garfield: Nermal?! (He is flabbergasted) YAHHH! No! (He wags his finger) You’re not Nermal! (He steps closer and points) Who are you?
Thermal: I’m Thermal. I won the cutest cat competition in Canada. (Another Nermal look-alike zips up to him)
Germal: And I am Germal. I won the cutest cat competition in Mexico. (He says, "Mexico" in Spanish)
Japanese Nermal Look-alike: And I am (I’m not even going to try to spell his name. He bows repeatedly as he introduces himself). I won the cutest cat competition in Japan.
Garfield: You mean…?
Thermal: Yes! (He gestures behind him, and there is a bus filled with Nermal look-alikes from their respective countries)
Nermal Look-alikes: We all won trips here to Greenland in our local cutest cat competitions.
Thermal: And we’ll all keep you company here (Germal nods) for the entire six months, eh. (If Hell could freeze over, this would be Garfield’s)
Garfield: Sputters (He takes off for the plane, which is about to leave) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (He chases it)
Germal: Carumba!
Thermal: (shaking his head) He’s not so very cute.
Japanese Nermal Look-alike: Yes. How he won is… incomprehensible. (The plane takes off into the night sky. Garfield clings to its tail, flailing like a flag)
Garfield: Sputters YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (As he disappears in the distance, the episode comes to a close)
THE END