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Transcript

(episode starts with beautiful music as a spoof of the fairy tale, "Puss in Boots" is told)

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was an old miller, who passed away and left everything he owned to his three sons.

(three people are seen with a broker who passes on the sons' inheritances)

Narrator: To the first son, he left the deed to his home, 25,000 zordniks, and the bejeweled watch.

(Rodney takes those possessions and walks away)

Narrator: And to his second son, he left ten head of cattle, 25,000 zordniks, and the Klopman diamond.

(Percival takes those possessions and walks away)

Narrator: And to his third son, Jonathan, he left his cat.

(A cat, resembling Garfield, is seen

Puss: (burps)

(Jon and Puss walk through the forest)

Narrator: The young man named Jon was far from delighted with his inheritance.

Jon: Rodney gets a house, Percival gets cattle, and what do I get? A flea-ridden old cat!

Narrator: But this was no ordinary cat. He said to his new master:

Puss: Do not fear, new master. I can make you rich and famous. Just get me a sack and a pair of hi-tops.

Jon: Hi-tops? Why do you need hi-tops?

Puss: You'll see. Now, is it a deal?

(Jon thinks and after a few seconds, he and Puss shake hands)

Narrator: The young man decided that he didn't have anything to lose.

Jon: Except the price of the hi-tops.

Narrator: Except the price of the hi-tops. So he took the cat to a local seller of fine footwear. And there, they tried to outfit him properly with a pair of hi-tops.

(the interior of a shoe shop is seen)

Seller: Now, here's a pair you might like.

Puss: Oh, I don't know. Have you got anything in green with purple stripes on them? To match my eyes?

(The seller glares at Puss before Jon is seen carrying Puss out of the store)

Puss: Oh, and very important! They must have the name of some overplayed basketball player on them!

(the seller slams the door as the scene cuts back to the forest)

Narrator: The cat led the young man to a country road, not far from the castle of His Majesty, the King.

Jon: Okay. You got your shoes, you got your sack. Now make me rich and famous.

Puss: Keep your britches on.

some birds fly onto a tree)

Narrator: The cat's scheme involved capturing some of the local game birds.

(Puss's voice is heard as he is dressed in a fancy outfit; Binky the Clown's theme music is heard)

Puss: Step right up! Right this way, ladies and partridges! Waddle this way into the first amusement park designed just for birds! Ride on the little swing! Play on the tiny plastic merry-go-round!

(the birds walk to the makeshift entrance to the amusement park, or really, Puss's sack)

Puss: See the world's largest statue of a pigeon! Generals come from miles around just to sit on it! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! (grabs the sack) Got 'em!

(Jon arrives)

Jon: Birds? A bag of birds is gonna make me rich and famous?

Puss: These aren't for you, fella. Wait right here.

Narrator: The cat hurried to the palace, and was able to obtain an audience with the King himself.

(we see the King on his throne as Puss arrives with his sack of birds)

King: You say you have a gift for me from you master, the...uh...

Puss: The Marquis of Bijou, your pointy-headedness. He bids you enjoy these.

(the King takes the sack)

King: Well, tell your master that I...

(the King opens the sack and all the birds fly out the window)

Puss: You let his gift fly away.

King: I am sorry. But tell your master that I am grateful, nonetheless. I don't believe I've ever met the Marquis of Bijou.

Puss: You will. See you, King.

(Puss hurries away as the scene cuts to the lake)

Narrator: Then, the crafty cat returned to his master with a most unusual order.

Jon: You...want me to do...what?

Puss: Take off your clothes and get in the lake.

Narrator: Jon didn't understand, but, reluctantly, he did as told.

(Puss takes Jon's clothes as Jon gets in the lake)

Jon: Cold! (exclaims) Aaah! Oh, boy! Oh, no!

(Puss tosses Jon's clothes into a wastebasket)

Puss: Big sissy. (to himself as he looks at his watch) Now, if I've timed this right, the King should be passing by with the Princess any second.

(galloping of horses is heard and a carriage is seen coming; Puss goes to stop the carriage)

Puss: Stop! My master needs help! Whoa!

(the driver quickly stops the carriage; horses neigh; and the King gets out)

King: Who dares stop a royal processional?! (sees Puss and approaches him) Oh, it's you, cat. What is wrong?

Puss: My master, the Marquis of Bijou was bathing in the lake and thieves stole his clothes!

King: Poor fellow. If he needs clothes, I could loan him some of my royal finery.

(scene advances to a little later when Jon is dressed)

Narrator: And so, his Highness loaned Jon a suit of his best clothes.

King: So, you're the Marquis of Bijou.

Jon: Who is?

(Puss glares at Jon as the King looks at him)

Jon: I am? Yes, I am! I am the Marquis of...uh...what did you call me?

King: I can see you are of royal stock. You obviously have blue blood.

Puss: After ten minutes in that water, he has blue everything.

King: You know, I've been hoping my daughter, the Princess, would meet some handsome young man of royal lineage.

Jon: (stammers)

(Jon is mesmerized by the Princess and instantly falls in love)

Princess: (giggles)

Jon: (stammers)

Princess: (giggles)

(Everyone else is puzzled at the length of time that has passed since Jon and the Princess met)

Puss: Your majesty, what would the Marquis here have to do to win your daughter's hand in marriage?

King: Oh, nothing much. Just slay the evil ogre in the castle.

Jon: Yes! Yes! I will slay the evil ogre! (horrified) Evil ogre?! (laughs and whimpers nervously) Mommy.

(Jon sucks his thumb)

Puss: Don't worry, your Kingliness. That ogre is as good as slayed. Or slewed. Or slain, or whatever the verb is.

(scene cuts to the ogre's castle, where it's obviously dark and creepy)

Narrator: Anyway, the resourceful cat urged his master up towards the ogre's castle.

Jon: (whimpers)

Puss: If you were any less brave, we could have you declared a gelatin dessert.

Jon: I can't go fight an ogre!

Puss: (sighs exasperatedly) You stay right here and grow a spine. I'll be right back.

(the scene changes to the entrance to the ogre's castle where Puss has changed into a funny suit and tie)

Narrator: The cat had a plan.

(Puss takes out a notepad and pencil and knocks on the ogre's door; a green ogre opens the door and emerges)

Ogre: Yes?

Puss: Good day, sir. We're conducting a survey, and there could be a valuable prize for you if you answer a few simple questions.

Ogre: Go ahead.

Puss: Good. Now, your name, please?

Ogre: Ogre.

Puss: And your occupation?

Ogre: Ogre.

Puss: Ogre? You're not one of those monsters who can turn...nah.

Ogre: What do you mean?

Puss: I mean that, well, ogres are supposed to be able to change into any animal, but that's impossible.

Ogre: Name an animal.

Puss: Well, okay. How about a lion?

Ogre: Watch this.

(the ogre transforms into a green lion)

Ogre: (roars like a lion) See?

Puss: Oh, sure. I gave you an easy one. Now try changing into an orangutan, huh? Bet you can't do that.

Ogre: Watch this.

(the ogre changes into a green orangutan)

Ogre: (monkey sounds) Are you convinced?

Puss: Oh, anyone can do that. Let's see you morph into a cockroach. That would convince me.

Ogre: All right, but this is the last one.

(the ogre changes into a tiny green cockroach)

Ogre: Well, are you convinced now?

(Puss promptly squishes the "cockroach" seemingly to death with his right hi-top)

Puss: Ogres are so stupid.

(scene cuts to the King's castle where Jon and the Princess are happily married)

Narrator: And so the young man earned the hand of the beautiful Princess in marriage.

Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife.

(cheers and applause come from the crowd as Jon and the Princess kiss)

Jon: (to Puss) Well, I have to hand it to you, cat. You did it. You made me rich and famous, and I got to marry the Princess and...(sees a piece of paper that Puss is holding) What's this?

Puss: My bill.

Jon: Your bill?

Puss: Sure. You didn't think I was gonna make you rich and famous for a cheap pair of shoes, did you?

Jon and Puss come out of the castle; Jon is not so happy)

Jon: I'm not sure this is such a happy ending. The King gave us his castle, but the place is a mess!

(Jon and Puss go onto the drawbridge as a cockroach quickly approaches them)

Jon: The moat's full of mud, and the roof leaks and...(sees the cockroach) Look, there's even a cockroach.

Puss: Well, every house has a little imperfection and uh...A cockroach?!?!

(the cockroach transforms into the ogre and is very angry)

Ogre: Step on ME, will you?!

Puss: (to Jon) Well, you're about to find out.

(Puss starts running away as the Ogre chases him)

Jon: Find out what?

Puss: (points to his hi-tops) What the hi-tops are for!

(demonstrates as he runs in them as fast as he can from the ogre; they both disappear out of sight)

(episode ends)

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