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"Halt! Officer Odie orders you to stop and help!"
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(The episode begins outside Jon’s house. Inside, crashing and banging occur as Jon chases Garfield around the dining room table. Odie watches from the easy chair)
Jon: You come back here with that, Garfield! (Garfield takes a bite of pizza)
Garfield: Chewing noises
Jon: (continuing) We were supposed to SHARE that pizza!
Garfield: Don’t worry! I’ll leave you the crust!
Odie: Moan… (Some more banging later, Jon holds a cranberry-colored pillow close to his chest. Garfield chases him)
Garfield: Come back with that pillow!
Odie: Oh… (He rolls his eyes and shakes his head sadly, clearly growing sick of his friends’ constant fighting)
Garfield: (angrily) Ohhhhh!
Jon: It’s MY pillow! I paid for it!
Garfield: Yeah, but I'm the one who got cat hair all over it! (Odie lowers his head)
Odie: Whimpers (The chase has gone to the kitchen. More smashing occurs)
Jon: Ah! A mouse! (Squeak scurries out of the kitchen and hops onto the chair with Odie) Garfield, there’s a mouse in the kitchen! (Garfield races out of the kitchen, carrying a pile of cheese in his paws) You’re supposed to do something to keep mice out! (He chases his cat)
Garfield: I am! I’m eating every last piece of cheese we have. (They sprint into the hall. Squeak climbs the armrest, looking over it)
Squeak: Boy, Jon and Garfield (He turns to Odie) haven’t been getting along well lately, have they?
Odie: (sadly) Uh-uh. (He shakes his head no)
Squeak: And you’d like them to be friends, wouldn’t you?
Odie: Whine… (The pup with a heart more golden than his fur sets his head on the armrest, his ears drooped low)
Squeak: Well we gotta do something. (Full to Squeak) I can’t live in a house with so much bickering. I’m a SENSITIVE rodent. (He hops onto the armrest) And I think I've got an idea! Wanna help, Odie? (Odie raises his head, smiling)
Odie: Yeah! Yeah!
Squeak: OK. Here's what I need you to do. (He whispers incoherently into the side of Odie’s head, where his ear would be if he was a human)
(Later on, Jon, Garfield, and Odie are watching TV. Garfield has a monster movie on, sitting on the arm of his chair. Jon sits in the chair, and Odie is on the floor in front of them)
Jon: We’re going to watch the music show! (He swipes the remote from Garfield’s paw and changes the channel)
Garfield: We’re going to watch the monster movie! (He does the same thing. The remote would change hands several times as they fight over what to watch, and so would the TV screen, switching from music show to monster movie. They would say something along the lines of "Music show" and "Monster movie" throughout their fight)
Jon: We’re going to watch the music show!
Garfield: We’re going to watch the monster movie!
Jon: (faintly) We’re going to watch the music show!
Garfield: (faintly) We’re going to watch the monster movie! (They continue squabbling and changing the channel, with Odie’s expression switching from indifference at Jon’s music show to fear at Garfield’s monster movie)
Odie: Whimpers (He turns around and sees his friends deadlocked in a fight over the remote, still arguing with each other. He then gets hit by a popcorn kernel, and he turns back around. Squeak hides behind the TV, gives him a thumbs-up and winks at him. Now is the time) Uh-huh! (He nods, gets up, and changes the channel to an advertisement for a new TV show. The host, Chuck Yenta, stars in it)
Chuck Yenta: Are you and your pet not getting along? (Jon and Garfield continue their struggle for the remote, pulling it back and forth between them in a vicious tug-of-war) Are the two of you always quarreling and bickering? (Cut back to Chuck) If the arguments in your house are getting out of hand, maybe you’re JUST what we’re looking for! (He notices the viewer, or perhaps Jon and Garfield specifically, too engaged in their fight to notice. He gets their attention by knocking on the glass, causing Garfield and Jon to stop their fighting)
Jon and Garfield: Huh? (Odie sits to the side, also watching)
Chuck Yenta: We have a new reality TV show called Pet Matchers! Our mission is to match the right pet and master! (He points up) Each week, we put one pet owner (He gestures to his left) and one pet (He gestures to the right) through a series of pets calculated to measure if they go together! (He points at a grouchy-looking woman and her happy pet Chihuahua) Last week, (Jon and Garfield look at each other, and then at the TV) this woman came to us with her dog, an obvious mismatch. (The woman dismisses the dog) After our tests, she left with her new, (A large bulldog appears next to her) perfectly matched pet.
Garfield and Jon: Gee, that sounds interesting. (They look at each other a couple of times)
Jon: Maybe WE oughta go on that show. (Squeak steps out from behind the TV to fill the audience in)
Squeak: They’ll get tested, they’ll realize they’re MADE for each other, and no more arguing! (Odie looks down at him)
Odie: Bark!
Squeak: That is… Sigh… if it works. (Garfield and Jon resume wrestling over the remote, saying “Monster movie!” and “Music show!” respectively. Squeak hangs his head, worried)
(Cut to the TV show’s intro, which has an arm pulling a lever of a slot machine. It stops at various people and pets, some of whom match and some of whom don’t. When the intro ends, an announcer can be heard in the studio of Pet Matchers)
Announcer: And now, back to Pet Matchers, with your host, Chuck Yenta! (Chuck zips into frame, Jon and Garfield behind him hooked up by wired helmets to a computer designed to test their personalities)
Chuck Yenta: Welcome back! (He zips up to Jon) We’re testing this man, Jon Arbinkle…
Jon: (pointing) Jon Arbuckle.
Chuck Yenta: Right, Jon Arbinkle, to see if he (He appears next to Garfield) and his pet, Garfield, are a good match!
Garfield: Sigh. (He rolls his eyes) I hope they don’t expect me to sing. (The set changes colors from bright shades of yellow to a deep blue. The machine beeps and whirs, until a ding is heard)
Chuck Yenta: The computer has analyzed your likes. (A slip of paper is printed from the computer. Chuck takes it and reads it) Here are yours, Jon Arbinkle. Clears throat (He winks at the TV audience) “Summer days, (As he reads, the studio audience oohs and aahs) friendly people, walks on the beach, a good baseball game.” (Jon raises his arm)
Jon: Yep, that’s me. (Chuck zips over to Garfield with another slip of paper)
Chuck Yenta: And here’s what the computer has determined as the likes of your pet: “Beef lasagna, sausage lasagna, (Garfield smiles) spinach lasagna, MORE beef lasagna…”
Garfield: Did it mention lasagna? Smart computer.
Chuck Yenta: Let’s see the other ways (He shifts his focus to the large oval computer screen between Jon and Garfield) in which you two are compatible or incompatible. Favorite way to spend the evening. (For Jon, it’s going on a date with Liz. For Garfield, it’s sleeping sideways on his chair) Favorite sport. (Jon is shown golfing. Garfield is shown sleeping on the easy chair) Favorite hobby. (Jon draws on his drawing table. Garfield sleeps on the sofa)
Garfield: Yawn! All of this testing is making me feel like I need a nap.
Jon: Mr. Yenta, have these tests enabled you to determine my personality?
Chuck Yenta: Yes! (He looks at a slip of paper) You don’t seem to have one. (The studio audience applauds) But we have determined that you and your cat, Garfield are… (A drumroll starts. Back at the house, Odie and Squeak watch anxiously from the comfort of Garfield’s chair)
Odie: Ooooh. (The slot machine sound effect plays) Huh? (A buzzer sound is heard)
Chuck Yenta: Incompatible!
Squeak: (surprised) Incompatible?
Odie: Oh no… (His ears start to droop)
Jon: You mean, Garfield shouldn’t be my cat?
Chuck Yenta: (pointing) That is correct! But don’t worry, we’ve determined the ideal (He makes the OK sign with his hand) new pet for you, and the ideal new master for your cat!
Garfield: Me? Live with someone other than Jon? (Chuck reappears next to him)
Chuck Yenta: Garfield Cat, your new owner is… (Another drumroll, and attention is directed at a closed curtain) Freddy Applegate, age nine! (The curtain rises and a hyperactive Freddy bursts onto the stage)
Freddy Applegate: Where’s my new kitty cat? I want my new kitty cat! (Garfield sees the giant red flags racing toward him)
Garfield: No!
Freddy Applegate: Kitty cat! (He hugs Garfield)
Garfield: Whimpers Oh my… (Jon gets up and sets his helmet on his seat)
Jon: But Garfield and I have always… (Chuck interrupts)
Chuck Yenta: And Jon Arbinkle, the ideal new pet for you (He raises his finger) as determined by the computer is… (He points to his left, and another curtain rises. Behind it is a frog on a pedestal) this frog!
Frog: Croak! Croak! (It hops onto Jon’s head, who is already regretting this decision)
Jon: (pointing up) Are you sure the computer didn’t make a mistake?
Chuck Yenta: Computers NEVER (He waves his arm to convey, “No”) make mistakes! Now, you go to your homes and we’ll have camera crews report back in next week’s show on how things are working out! (Freddy holds Garfield upside-down and bounces around excitedly)
Garfield: I ALREADY hate this. (Jon leaves the stage, a cameraman following him, capturing video. Freddy races out the other side, carrying a whimpering Garfield with him, also followed by a cameraman)
Freddy Applegate: I’m gonna take you home and we’re gonna play, Rocket to Mars!
Garfield: Help!
(Jon returns home with the frog. His cameraman points the camera at him, who is standing next to the table with Odie next to him. The frog sits on the table doing nothing)
Odie: Sniff! Sad mutters (His ears droop more heavily than before, no doubt missing his best friend) Whines
Jon: (wagging his finger) Don’t be sad, Odie. our new friend will fit right into our lives and it’ll all be good. (He makes the OK symbol with his hand) There you go, boy. (He lowers to the frog’s height, but the frog doesn’t do anything except look around blankly)
Frog: Croak! (Its croaks surprise Jon and Odie, and both flinch) Croak!
Jon: I think that’s all he does. (He and Odie look at each other)
Odie: Moan… (His ears droop again, and his eyelid quivers, as if he is going to cry)
Jon: Look at the bright side. (He pats Odie’s head) I’ll bet Garfield’s getting along great in his new home. (A smile slowly appears on Odie’s face, but it quickly fades when the frog croaks again)
Frog: Croak! Croak!
(Elsewhere, in a yellow house, Freddy has taken Garfield home)
Freddy Applegate: Kitty cat! (A bell rings from inside) It’s time for lunch! (Freddy sits at the table, which is covered with food. Garfield appears next to him, with a fork in one paw and a knife in another, and a blue-and-white chessboard-patterned handkerchief tied around his neck)
Garfield: Did someone say, “Lunch?” (He points his fork at Freddy) You did say, “lunch!” Oh boy! I’m gonna like it here.
Freddy Applegate: For lunch I'm having meatloaf, mashed potatoes, creamed corn, plus for dessert I'm having ice cream with hot fudge on it! (His “hot fudge” looks a lot more like caramel sauce)
Garfield: What about the cat? (He bangs his knife handle on the table) What about the cat?
Freddy Applegate: And you get a nice big bowl of Kitty Krunchies! (He pulls out a bowl of cat food, and Garfield’s excitement dissipates)
Garfield: Gasp! (Freddy tosses the bowl in front of Garfield) Doh! Scowl! (He stabs a chunk with his fork, examines it, and eats it. He is quickly repulsed by the flavor, or lack thereof) Spit! Spit! Spit! Yuck! (He grabs at his throat, gagging) Spit! (He smacks the table several times) Hey if you think this is food, YOU eat it! (He shoves the bowl toward the center of the table and then spies the meatloaf. He picks up the whole loaf with his fork, gazing at it longingly) Sigh…
Freddy Applegate: You’re my cat, and you’re gonna do what I tell you! We’re gonna play Rocket to Mars! (Garfield is about to eat it, but stops)
Garfield: We are? (Freddy grabs him and yanks him out of the chair)
(Garfield is later seen tied up on one end of a seesaw, wearing a sci-fi helmet)
Garfield: I don’t think I'm gonna like playing Rocket to Mars. (He looks at Freddy, who is standing on the rungs of a ladder on a slide to allow him to jump onto the other end of the seesaw)
Freddy Applegate: Ready to blast off to Mars! (He counts down on his fingers) 3, 2, 1, Blastoff! (He jumps on the other end of the seesaw, launching Garfield like a catapult)
Garfield: I was right! I don’t like playing Rocket to Mars! (He flies through the air and lands in a trash can on the other side of the fence. His feet stick out of it until he dives deeper in. The cameraman walks up, recording every second, and the cat pokes his head out, various trash covering his helmet) I don’t like it one… (He spits up some garbage) Spit! Spit! bit.
(Back in Jon’s house, he is seated at the table with the frog sitting on it, having little excitement with the frog)
Jon: So… Froggy… would you like to go for a walk? Chase birds? (sadly) Do anything? (He perks up) How about kicking the puppy off the table? (Odie stands on the chair across from him, panting) My old pet LOVED kicking the puppy off the table!
Frog: Croak!
Odie: Whimper (His ears sag low. Their cameraman moves in closer)
Jon: Sigh. (He rests his head on his hand and then taps the table in front of the frog a couple of times. The frog does nothing)
Frog: Croak!
Jon: This is THE most boring pet in the world! I hope that things are more exciting in Garfield’s new home.
Odie: Mutter
(Things are more exciting, but Garfield isn’t enjoying it in the slightest. He sneaks in through the door, looking around for Freddy. With no sight of him, he tiptoes in)
Garfield: Now he wants to play Cops and Robbers and I have to be a robber. (Outside, Freddy holds a water pistol)
Freddy Applegate: Oh! Where is that bad (He kicks the door open) kitty cat burglar? (He somersaults into the living room and scratches his head, looking around. Garfield backs away)
Garfield: Pants (He starts running) Oh no! (He skids to a stop in the living room) Stop! Yow!
Freddy Applegate: I’m going to have to arrest him, and make sure (Garfield leaps behind an easy chair) he receives the ULTIMATE punishment! (Garfield peeks out from the side of the chair)
Garfield: This… is the ultimate punishment. (Freddy zips in front of the chair, and Garfield retreats. The boy stops to think)
Freddy Applegate: Maybe he’s hiding in here somewhere. (Garfield carefully peeks out of his hiding place) Ooh, when I catch him, (He glances over his shoulder, acting like he is unaware of where Garfield is) he’ll be sorry!
Garfield: I’m already sorry. (Freddy starts walking out, still looking and talking over his shoulder)
Freddy Applegate: Oh, I guess he’s not in here. I’ll go search around outside. (Garfield stands up and wipes sweat off his forehead)
Garfield: Oh! Boy am I sorry.
Freddy Applegate: Gotcha! (He nabs Garfield)
Garfield: (pointing at himself) But not as sorry as I'm gonna be. (Freddy carries him outside)
Freddy Applegate: The burglar’s putting up a struggle! (Garfield is not. He is just resigned to his fate) He’s trying to get away!
Garfield: (desperately) A fine idea.
Freddy Applegate: He’s making a break for his getaway car! (The getaway car resembles a soap box derby car or something)
Garfield: I am? (He is dropped into the car, and Freddy starts it up)
Freddy Applegate: It looks like it’s gonna be a high-speed (The car zips away, taking Garfield with it) police pursuit! (Garfield’s theme plays in the background)
Garfield: YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (He goes off the road) Whimpers (He rolls down, then up, then down a couple of hills, his momentum giving him some air) YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop! Ow! (He rolls into a forest) Help! Call the auto shop! Help! (He makes a sharp turn and veers off the path) Whimpers Jon never did this to me! Plus he made me lasagna! (The cameraman runs along with him, pointing the camera at him. Garfield glances behind him, and then sees he is barrelling toward several garbage cans) YOWL! (He crashes, leaving him flat on his back surrounded by trash) I- I can’t move! I can’t move!
Freddy Applegate: (in the distance) Where’s my kitty cat? I have another game for him! (Garfield winces in horror, and he sits up)
Garfield: Oh yeah, I can move. (He bolts and takes off down the street, looking for Jon, who is at the same time, running out of the house looking for his cat, and carrying the frog in his hand)
Jon: I’ve got to get Garfield back in my life! (The cameraman follows)
Garfield: I’ve got to get Jon back in my life! (The other cameraman follows, and the two pass each other) Pants (They turn around, and come to a stop right next to each other) Laughs Snickers
Jon: Garfield, you should come back and be my loyal, devoted cat again.
Garfield: Jon, I should come back and you should be the guy that feeds me again. (Both cameramen capture the reunion) Sigh…
Jon: Hey hey! (The frog hops out of his hand, and Garfield leaps into Jon’s arms in a warm embrace)
Frog: Croaaaaaak. (It lands on one of the cameraman’s heads)
(Cut to the Pet Matchers studio, which has Jon and Garfield’s reunion on screen)
Chuck Yenta: Well, (The frog slides into view) that’s what our cameras recorded. I guess this pet match just didn’t work. (The camera shows Jon and Garfield hugging. Cut to Chuck) But things have all been straightened out! Garfield and Jon are together again, (The audience applauds, and the screen switches to Freddy) and Freddy has a new pet, too!
Freddy Applegate: We’re gonna play Rocket to Mars!
Frog: (terrified) CROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK! (It hops away)
Freddy Applegate: Hey! You come back here! (He chases the frog) You’re MY frog now!
(The screen then shows Garfield, Jon, and Odie together again)
Chuck Yenta: And meanwhile, here’s your faithful dog, Odie, glad to see master and pet reunited! (The camera zooms in on Odie, who is happier than he’s been this entire episode)
Odie: Bark!
Chuck Yenta: And to thank you for letting Pet Matchers try to match your pets, we have a nice gift for you! (The audience claps)
Garfield: Something edible, I hope.
Chuck Yenta: Our computer has calculated what would be the ideal vacation spot for you, (More audience applause) and we’re going to send you there, all expenses paid!
Jon: (making the OK sign with his hand) The perfect vacation spot? I can’t wait!
(Their “ideal vacation spot” is a frozen, desolate wasteland, all while Jon and the pets were prepared for a beach day. The three of them shiver violently)
Jon: (shivering) Brrrrrr! Th-th-the perfect vacation spot? I thought c-c-computers didn’t m-m-make mistakes!
Odie: (half-frozen) Bark!
Garfield: (shivering) Computers don’t make mistakes. PETS make mistakes.
Freddy Applegate: (shivering) M-M-M-M-MY F-F-F-FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG! (The poor frog is frozen in a block of ice. On that note, the episode wraps up)
THE END