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"Halt! Officer Odie orders you to stop and help!"
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(The episode opens above Jon’s house. Inside, Jon is flipping a pancake on a red frying pan over a drawer while the bowl of pancake mix is on the stovetop)
Jon: Garfield! Breakfast is ready! (he sets that pancake into a massive stack of about a dozen other flapjacks. Laughter can be heard in the background) While you guys eat, I’m going to go to the market. (The same laughter replays)
Garfield: (entering the kitchen via the back pet door) Did I hear someone laughing?
Jon: I made you pancakes! (He gestures to the stack, and more laughter ensues. Jon takes the plate and hands it to the tubby tabby)
Garfield: Whoa! (He loses his balance for a second before steadying himself and the breakfast creation. He addresses the audience) Something is seriously wrong here. You can tell because I’m not eating. (Just then, Odie trots in. A lot of cheering and applause can be heard as he walks up and stands beside Garfield, wagging his tail)
Odie: Pants
Garfield: Odie, what’s going on here?
Odie: I don’t know. (Laughter ensues)
Garfield: All right, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. (He points at his toes. Odie looks down, then back up at the fat cat) Here, (he shoves the tray of pancakes in Odie’s mouth, much to the pup’s confusion) either eat these or bury them in the backyard. (He storms out of the kitchen and into what is a Hollywood-type studio. Jim Davis sits on the director’s chair with other cast and crew standing around him)
Jim Davis: Oh, no…
Garfield: Where’s the boss?
Jim Davis: He’s in his office, (he gestures to his left, holding a megaphone in one hand and the script in the other) but we haven’t finished the scene.
Garfield: Later. (He takes off to find the boss)
Jim Davis: All right everyone, take five! (a bell rings)
(In the hallway leading to the boss’s office, a tour guide gives a small group of people a tour. They stand in front of double doors with Garfield’s picture on them)
Tour Guide: Now, behind this door is the studio where we film The Garfield Show. (A few people snap photos of the door) How many people here watch The Garfield Show? Show of hands! (An elderly man speaks up)
Elderly Man: Oh yeah, I’ve seen that show. I like the dog, you know, the one with the tongue. (Garfield walks out the door)
Garfield: (putting his hand up) One side, no autographs. (He leaves, determined to see his mission through. He walks up to a set of unnumbered double doors between 87 and 89. He opens it, only for it to be a single door that resembles a double, and enters the boss’s office. It closes behind him)
(Inside the office, Garfield sits on a circular swivel chair)
Boss: It’s pretty simple, Garfield, we’ve given your show a laugh track.
Garfield: Laugh track? (He blinks)
Boss: Oh, that’s right. (He walks around his desk) We do it in television all the time; we add in recorded laughter and applause. (and he stands next to Garfield) It makes the show seem… well… more deserving of laughter and applause.
Garfield: (turning his chair to face the boss) Isn’t that cheating?
Boss: Oh, we like to think of it as “enhancing reality”. Allow me to demonstrate. (He leaves the scene)
(Soon after, Garfield and three other people sit on a long couch. The boss stands in front of them)
Boss: Here’s a comedian we recently had on one of our shows. (He presses a button, and a black-and-white video of a comedian in a trench coat holding a woman plays)
Comedian: Ha ha! No, but I wanna tell ya, a man walks into a doctors office. He says, “Hey doc, it hurts when I do this.” Doc turns to him and says, “Well don’t do that.” (Two of the people watching look at each other, confused. The third yawns, and the boss pauses the video)
Boss: Not too humorous, but watch what happens when we add the laugh track. (The lights dim and the clip replays)
Comedian: Hey, a man walks into a doctors office. He says, “Hey doc, it hurts when I do this.” Doc turns to him and says, “Well don’t do that.”
Garfield: Huh? Sigh (He shrugs and shakes his head no, failing to see any humor in it. The humans sitting with him, however, laugh at it and then leave) Wouldn’t it be easier just to make the show funny?
Boss: (stepping toward Garfield) Eh, let’s get one thing straight, Garfield: we don’t tell you how to eat lasagna and annoy puppies, YOU don’t tell us how to run a TV show. All right? (Garfield backs up in his seat, looking slightly scared at the pointing boss)
Garfield: Chuckles nervously (He stands up on the couch and nods yes. The boss turns around and starts to leave)
Boss: Let me introduce you to Rosie. (He opens a door in the side of the room)
Garfield: (following) Rosie?
(The scene shifts to the hallway. The tour group passes Garfield and the boss)
Boss: Rosie, right in here! (He opens a door into another room) Hello, Rosie! (Rosie is sitting at a control panel with several buttons on it)
Rosie: (spinning to face them) Hi, boys! Wait, here’s some applause for ya! (She presses a button, and applause is heard)
Garfield: Huh? (he blinks)
Boss: And I believe you know our star: Garfield Cat!
Rosie: Garfield, here’s some applause for you. (she presses another button, but instead of applause, this one plays boos)
Garfield: Huh?
Rosie: Oops. Wrong button, sorry. (She corrects her error)
Boss: Rosie adds in all the laughter, applause, and even sound effects for the show.
Rosie: I sure do! (she presses buttons in rapid succession. Random animal noises, beeps, and cheers play) Great, huh? (Garfield winces. He and the boss leave as Rosie continues pressing buttons, but as the boss leaves, Garfield stays in the sound control room and peeks out)
Garfield: I don’t approve of putting phony laughter and applause on my show! (His statement gets the boss’s attention, and he stops and turns to face the Flabby Tabby. Garfield walks out to talk to him more personally) But if you do, make sure I get more of it than anyone else. (Behind him, Rosie zips up to the doorway)
Rosie: The episode we’re doing today, it wouldn’t happen to have Nermal in it by any chance?
Garfield: Wha-?
Boss: Uhh, let me see… (he pulls out the script, with a picture of Garfield and his wordmark on it) hmmmm… why yes! Nermal is guest-starring!
Rosie: Oh, I love Nermal! He’s my absolute favorite! (She returns to her room and closes the door behind her. Garfield walks down the hallway)
Garfield: Sigh I guess I was kind of rude to that tour group when I passed them earlier. I’ll make it up to them. (He walks up to the tour) I apologize, folks. (He holds his paw out like he’s asking for something) Whip out your autograph books and any 8 x 10 glossy photos you carry around of me. I’ll be glad to sign them. (The tour, however, just looks at each other, confused, before leaving)
Tour Guide: Now our next stop on our tour is… (Garfield stands in the middle of the floor, blinking, before looking quite down) oh, look who’s coming: (she points down the hall) Nermal!
(Nermal walks down the hallway on his wiggly toes like a ballerina, wearing shades over his eyes. As he approaches the tour, they start doing what Garfield wanted: whipping out photos and autograph books)
Nermal: Sorry, my public, no autographs! Well, maybe just one, or two, or 30… (Garfield turns to the audience and scowls)
Garfield: Grr… (a man runs by him) Wha-?
Man: You know, I just love him on that show.
Garfield: That’s MY show! (He points at himself)
Man: I’m sorry?
Garfield: The show Nermal’s on, that’s The Garfield Show and I’m Garfield! I’m the STAR of that show!
Man: Ah, funny I watch it all the time, I just can’t recall seeing you on it. (Garfield sputters and twitches, like machines do when they short-circuit, and runs away)
(The scene shifts to a birds-eye view of a couple of sets: the living room, and the kitchen, which is lit up with spotlights. A few people mill about as Garfield walks dejectedly into the room and back into position. He passes Jim Davis and the crew as he walks up)
Jim Davis: Ready to roll again, G.C.?
Garfield: Get the dog and let's resume. (He heads into the kitchen set and sighs quietly to himself. A bell rings in the background)
Jim Davis: (talking through his microphone) I need Odie on the set. Oh, and there’s a big slurp in this scene so he’s gonna need tongue makeup. (Odie holds his tongue out as a makeup artist applies the makeup)
Jim Davis: Garfield Show, show 55, episode entitled Laugh in a Can, take 2. (Garfield stands upright, holding the pancake platter from earlier. A guy with the Hollywood clapper claps it in front of the camera)
Cameraman: And we’re rolling. Action!
Garfield: Ah… (he pauses) Uh… (he blinks twice) Line!
Jim Davis: (reading the script through his megaphone, causing several crew members to cover their ears due to the feedback) “Something is seriously wrong here. You can tell because I’m not eating.”
Garfield: Oh right. Something is seriously wrong here. You can tell because I’m not eating. (He glances upward, expecting laughter and applause. He holds a hand up to his ear listening, but he does not even hear crickets. Odie bursts in through the kitchen pet door. Rosie gives him applause, and the pup trots up to Garfield with a look of superiority on his face) Huh? Ugh… Hi, Odie. Ready for breakfast?
Odie: Bark! Bark! (Rosie provides some laughs from her station, much to Garfield’s displeasure) Slurp! Slurp! (Garfield winces and growls slightly, as Rosie provides more laughs, more than ever before)
Garfield: We’ll have to wait until Jon gets back from the market. I’ll be napping. (He pauses, waiting for the applause. Nothing happens) Ahem.
Odie: Mutters
(From inside her room…)
Rosie: Here comes Nermal’s scene. (she spins around in her swivel chair) I’ll give him a big entrance.
(The camera shifts to a view above the living room set. Garfield sits on his chair watching TV and Nermal can be seen walking into the hallway. He enters the living room walking on his toes to much cheers and applause. He laughs and soaks in the attention, spinning in place as Garfield scowls and gives him a look)
Garfield: Ahhh! (by now, the fat feline is fully fed up) That’s enough, Rosie! (He stands up in his chair as Nermal bows) Well, look who’s here. (Garfield folds his arms)
Nermal: (turning to face Garfield) That’s right, Garfield, it’s me: (he faces the studio cameras) Nermal, the most adorable feline on this planet! (he takes another bow as the cheers haven’t ceased)
Garfield: I can’t take this! (He clenches his fists and shakes, his blood boiling, before storming out of the scene)
Nermal: Thank you! Thank YOU! You’re beautiful, not as beautiful as I am, of course, but beautiful in your own way. (As Nermal hogs the spotlight, Garfield leaves the studio and slams the door so hard everything shakes)
(In the hallway, Eddie Gourmand runs out of one of the doors, chasing a chicken. Garfield takes no notice of this and hustles down the hall)
Garfield: That has GOT to stop, and I think I know how to make that happen. (He enters Rosie’s room, tired from the run) Pants Hey Rosie, the boss wants to see you right away! (He points down the hall with his thumb)
Rosie: But, I’m putting in laughs and applause in this episode. (behind her, Nermal is still bowing on the TV screen)
Garfield: I’ll handle that for ya while you go see him. (he touches his fingers together and grins, trying to look casual but not doing a very good job of it)
Rosie: Oh, all right. (Garfield steps to the side as Rosie heads off. After she leaves, he chuckles to himself and rubs his paws together maliciously. He turns to the sound board showing Nermal on the screen still bowing)
Nermal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And now, since I seem to have the show to myself, I thought I’d sing a little song! (Garfield wiggles his fingers and pounds a black button with his fist. Booing can be heard in the studio, surprising the kitten) Alright, alright, settle down, settle down, I don’t have to sing! I could do a little dance number for ya! (Garfield grins and bends his index finger and presses another button. This one plays with mooing cows. Despite the weird effects, Nermal starts dancing anyway. Garfield plays a few more sounds, like ducks quacking…) Huh? (and music, to which Nermal starts moonwalking)
Garfield: Dance number, huh? Well then, you’ll need a little music. (He presses another button. Classical music starts playing overhead, and Nermal starts ballet dancing) Little slow, don’t you think? (Garfield raises a slider on the board, and the music plays much faster. Nermal spins around faster and faster to try to keep pace) Laughs (Garfield points at the screen, finally starting to enjoy himself this episode)
Nermal: YAAAHH!! (His speedy ballet confuses much of the camera crew, who watch with open mouths) Oh! Ow! Owie!
Garfield: Laughs (he hits the sound board with both fists, like people do sometimes when they laugh uncontrollably)
(Inside the boss’s office, he watches the episode and is not pleased with what he sees. His mouth drops open and he storms out going unnoticed by Rosie, who walks up and knocks)
Rosie: Hi, boss. (After a brief pause, she knocks again)
(Meanwhile, Nermal was continuing to speed dance)
Nermal: Oh! Oh! Oh! Owie! (Jim Davis looks at the boss, who stands next to him, shocked. Jim, though, glances away from the boss and smiles)
(In the sound room, Garfield–with his legs crossed and feet on the sound table–looks over the script and sighs. He tosses it behind him and looks up at the screen)
Garfield: Laughs (he presses another button stopping the music, and the spinning, leaping kitten freezes and drops on his head) Snickers (He presses a white button. Laughter is heard, and the fat cat winks and gives a thumbs-up at the screen, and Nermal)
(Meanwhile, Rosie peeks into the boss’s office)
Rosie: Boss? (She glances around, but sees no one there. She then leaves, but right at that moment, the boss storms in to his office)
(In the sound room, Garfield watches as Nermal stares daggers into the studio camera)
Nermal: I know when I’m not wanted!
Garfield: Since when? (he winks and wiggles his fingers. He leaps on another button–pressing it with both hands–and police sirens play. As Nermal leaves from the living room to the hallway, the sirens stop him in his tracks)
Nermal: What’s going on? (those sirens have an added bonus: a policeman voice-over)
VO: Alright, (Nermal shrieks) we know you’re in there! Come out with your hands up!
Nermal: My hands up? Oh, no! No! (He takes off toward the kitchen set) Hiding place! I need a hiding place! (He takes cover in a cabinet under the counter) They’ll never find me under here! (in the sound station, Garfield–still toying with Nermal like a ball of yarn–lays over the side of the board and holds his foot over the panel. He presses a white button with one of his toes)
Garfield: Chuckles (he looks up at the screen to witness Nermal’s reaction to a herd of cows) Sounds like…a stampede of cattle, (He runs from the cabinet to underneath one of the kitchen chairs) in HERE?!
Garfield: Laughs (he lifts his foot off the first button and presses a pink button with his toe)
Nermal: YAAAAHHH! (he takes the chair with him as wild animals growling play) Whimpers (Garfield–standing on the swivel chair on one leg–presses another button as he smiles, savoring every minute of this) Now it’s grizzly bears! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! AAAAHHHHH!
Garfield: (now resting on top of the board looking down at some buttons and waving his tail) Hmm…what does this one do? (He reads) “Sound of left-handed zombie pigeons attacking with ray blasters from the planet Trowfaz”. Hey, hey, why not? (He presses a red button, starting the aforementioned effect)
Nermal: (hiding behind the TV) Left-handed zombie pigeon attacking with ray blasters from the planet Trowfaz? I know that sound anywhere! (Garfield grins at the audience, his mission accomplished. Nermal, meanwhile, bursts out the studio door) Help! Help! Left-handed zombie pigeon attacking with ray blasters from the planet Trowfaz! (He runs by the tour group screaming and panicking. He eventually runs out the door of the whole building…) Help! Save my adorable self! HELP! (and down the street)
Garfield: Laughs uncontrollably (as he laughs, Rosie walks back into her room)
Rosie: Garfield, what are you doing at my laugh machine? (The boss walks up behind her)
Boss: And Rosie, what are you doing leaving your post? (The boss folds his arms and taps his foot impatiently)
Rosie: But I didn’t… (Garfield rolls up on the swivel chair, grinning) I mean he said… (The Tubby Tabby starts to wiggle his toes)
Boss: (interrupting) No excuses, no excuses, you’re fired!
(The camera focuses on Rosie)
Rosie: Oh!
Boss: (continuing while offscreen) And take that stupid machine with you! (Rosie glances behind her at the machine. The camera pans left a bit and shows Garfield, still wiggling his toes)
(The camera’s focus returns to the boss)
Boss: After this, I don’t want to see any more canned laughter in The Garfield Show! (he leaves, slamming the door behind him. Garfield rolls by triumphantly before realizing what he did. He rolls up to Rosie)
Garfield: (regretfully) Oh, guess I got ya fired, huh?
Rosie: (walking toward her machine) Oh, it’s my fault. I wasn’t doing my work properly. Now the question is, where do I find a new job?
(At that moment, Odie enters, walking in on his hind legs. He wears a robe that Garfield has worn on a couple of occasions)
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: Rosie got fired!
Odie: Aww…
Garfield: Odie, she got fired and it’s all my fault! I tricked her into leaving her post!
Odie: Really?
Garfield: (now standing on the chair next to Rosie) I may just know a good place for you and your machine.
(The scene shifts to the news, and the Anchorwoman reporting)
Anchorwoman: Good evening. This is the news at this hour. Unemployment is reaching new heights, (laughter is heard in the background, causing her to pause and glance around confused) the air we breathe is worse than it has ever been, (laughter and applause is heard again. The Anchorwoman looks around with a frustrated look on her face) and scientists say that the earth is hurtling towards the sun. (Again, laughter plays in the background)
(In Rosie’s room, Garfield watches the screen with his head in his hands and elbows on the machine. Rosie plays the sounds from her board)
Garfield: Now the news, there’s something that NEEDS laughter.
Odie: (sitting in a director’s chair behind them) Right!
Garfield: Hey, Rosie, how about some applause to end this cartoon? (he gets up and walks toward the center of the room triumphantly)
Rosie: Laughs Comin’ right up! (She plays the sounds of cheers and applause. Garfield smiles and bows to the camera)
Garfield: Chuckle Won’t you join me in a bow, Odie?
Odie: Bark! (He hops off the chair and joins his best friend. Rosie presses another button, and louder applause plays)
Garfield: Thank you! You’re a beautiful recorded audience! Thank you! (Odie and Garfield start bowing in sync) Thank you! (The episode ends with the pets bowing to the sound booth's cheers)
THE END