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Transcript

(the episode begins in the Siberian hnterland where Orson Pig reads a story of Dr. Zhivago with Roy Rooster, Wade Duck, and Lanolin Lamb are acting out)

Orson: (reading) "For over two years, he toiled in the Siberian hinterland, knowing well that his wife and children were leagues away in Moscow.

Wade: (as Dr. Zhivago) If that be true, good pheasant, this is a dire loss.

Lanolin: (as a nurse) Da, comrade. Is true that--

(Aloysius appears as a bell rings and the music stops)

Aloysis: Hold it! Stop the episode! Halt! Just what do you think you're doing here, may I ask?

Orson: Oh, we're doing our version of the book Dr. Zhivago by Boris Pasternak.

Aloysius: (to Orson) This is a cartoon show! Not Masterpiece Theatre! (to everyone else) Strike the set!

Roy, Wade, Booker, and Sheldon Chick are seen helping to tear the set down, revealing the farmyard)

Aloysius: (to Orson) I want you to know that we're not very happy at... (DA DUM!) ...the Network.

Orson: You're with...(DA DUM!) ...the Network?

Aloysius: Take a gander at this.

(Aloysius hands Orson his business card and reads it)

Orson: (reads) "Aloysius Pig...(DA DUM!) ...The Network."

Aloysius: Yes. And for this episode, we want you to do nursery rhymes.

Orson: Oh, is that so we can attract younger viewers?

Roy: (disgruntled) No, it's because nursery rhymes are all they can understand at...(DA DUM!) The Network.

Aloysius: I'll ignore that. We want nursery rhymes! And make them wholesome! And educational! Doing Dr. Zhivago with a duck! That's not right!

(Aloysius walks off)

Orson: They want us to do nursery rhymes!

Roy: Well it looks like our choice is clear.

Lanolin: Right! We can either stand up for our principles and fight for what we believe in...

Wade: ...or we can give in, do nursery rhymes, and protect our jobs here, right?

(title card with Mother Duck's Nursery Rhymes)

Orson: (V.O.) And now, Mother Duck's Nursery Rhymes.

(the title card slides up and we see Orson dressed in a nightgown as Wee Willie Winkie)

[Wade]

Wee Willie Winikie runs through the town

Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.

Rapping at the window...

(the bell rings and Aloysius appears again)

Aloysius: Stop that! Stop it!

Wade: Uh....

(the music stops)

Orson: What's wrong? We're doing nursery rhymes like you asked!

Aloysius: Running around the city in a nightgown! That's not right!

Orson: But that's the nursery rhyme! (sings and reads) "Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town..."

Aloysius: I don't care! You want to teach your children to run around in their pajamas? That's indecent! We don't tolerate that kind of thing at...(DA DUM!) ...The Network.

Orson: Okay. Let's try another one. (to Roy and Lanolin backstage) Are you ready, Roy and Lanolin?

Roy: Ready!

Lanolin: Ready!

Orson: "Georgie Porgie." (clears throat)

(title card with the words Georgie Porgie is shown; Roy is Georgie Porgie and Lanolin is a girl)

[Orson]

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie

Kissed the girls...

("Georgie kisses "the girl")

[Orson]

...and made them cry.

Lanolin: (as the girl; cries)

[Orson]

When the boys came out to play...

(Aloysius appears next to Roy and the bell rings again)

Aloysius: Hold it! Kissing the girls and making them cry! That's very anti-social behavior!

(Roy then advances to Aloysius, threatening to beat him up)

Roy: So is beating up people who work for...DA DUM!...The Network.

Aloysius: Watch it, rooster. I could have you preempted for a golf match next week.

Roy: Why I oughta!...

(Lanolin comes between Roy and Aloysius to stop the fight)

Lanolin: Oh, stop it, you two! (to Roy) Roy, read a different nursery rhyme.

(Lanolin hands him the book)

Roy: Okay. Go get into your Miss Muffet suit.

(Lanolin runs off to get changed)

Aloysius: Kissing the girls and making them cry! That's not right!

Roy: And now, the story of "Little Miss Muffet."

(title card with the words "Little Miss Muffet" is shown; so is a spider)

[Roy]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

(Aloysius comes in briefly)

Aloysius: Sitting on her tuffet! That sounds naughty!

Roy: (to Aloysius) It's a pillow.

[Roy]

Eating her curds and whey. La la la la

(Orson comes in as a spider)

[Roy]

Along came a spider who sat down beside her...

(Aloysius appears next to Roy and the bell rings again)

Aloysius: Hold it!

Roy: (exclaims in frustration) Okay! What is is now, Network Boy?!

Aloysius: What' the next line?

Roy: I was just about to get to it! (skims through) Let's see..."Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet...spider...(clears throat; reads) ..."and frightened Miss Muffet away."

Aloysius: If it scares her, it will scare the children. Do something wholesome. Sitting on tuffets and scaring people! That's not right!

Roy: (exclaims in frustration as he squeezes and throws his hat to the ground)

(Lanolin takes the book and skims through it)

Lanolin: He wants wholesome, we'll give him wholesome. Music!

(title card with "Goosey Goosey Gander is seen as Wade is dressed as a smartly dressed man walking upstairs and downstairs)

[Lanolin]

Goosey, Goosey Gander

Where do you wander

Upstairs and downstairs

And in my lady's chamber.

(Wade wanders into "the lady's" chamber)

Lanolin: (as the lady) AAAAAAAAAAAH! GET OUT OF MY CHAMBER!!!

(Wade as the old man quickly gets out)

Wade: I'm sorry, ma'am.

(Orson comes in dressed as an older man as Lanolin continues to sing)

[Lanolin]

There, I met an old man

Who wouldn't say his prayers

I took him by the left leg

And threw him...(confused) down the stairs?

(Lanolin does this to Orson and lets go of him just before Aloysius comes in again; Orson is still safe as he walks out of the scene)

Aloysius: Throwing an old man down the stairs! What kind of example is that to set for children?

(Lanolin angrily points to the reference)

Lanolin: It's right here in the book!

(title card with Old Mother Hubbard is seen; Roy is dressed as Old Mother Hubbard)

[Orson]

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

To get her poor doggie a bone.

(Odie comes in next to Old Mother Hubbard as Aloysius watches excitedly)

Aloysius: A cameo guest star! Good, good!

Odie: (barking excitedly)

[Orson]

But when she got there,

The cupboard was bare.

And so the poor doggie had none.

Odie: (whines)

(Aloysius is not so excited anymore)

Aloysius: Starving a cameo guest star! How rude!

[Orson]

She went to the bakers to buy him some bread

(Old Mother Hubbard gets a loaf of bread from the bakers and comes back to see Odie "dead" to her horror)

[Orson]

But when she came back, the doggie was dead.

(Aloysius arrives and is very unhappy)

Aloysius: Killing a cameo guest star? That's even ruder!

Orson: Wait a minute. That's the nursery rhyme. See, it's right here. (points to it and reads it) "When she came back, the doggie was...dead!"

(Odie runs out of the story as Roy happily waves to him)

Roy: Thanks, Odie!

Aloysius: (to Orson) I don't care what it says. We don't kill dogs on TV cartoon shows, especially a dog with high ratings and a good agent!

(Odie winks as Orson skims through his book)

Orson: Wait a minute. There must be one in here we can do on TV. (points to a nursery rhyme and shows it to Aloysius) "Three Blind Mice."

(Aloysius pushes the book away)

Aloysius: Making fun of unsighted mice and cutting their tails off! That's barbaric!

(Orson skims again)

Orson: (sighs) Uh, Humpty Dumpty.

Aloysius: More death. To say nothing of high cholesterol.

(Orson skims again)

Orson: Okay,, "Who Killed Cock Robin?" (sees Aloysius crossing his arms) Never mind, I know, more murder.

(Roy appears)

Roy: Boy, this is the most violent episode we've ever done.

Orson: All these rhymes have death and people falling down and breaking their crowns.

Aloysius: Come up with a wholesome nursery rhyme, or there'll be an infomercial in this time slot next week!

(Wade and Lanolin walk in just as Aloysius walks out)

Lanolin: Oh, what are we gonna do?

Wade: I don't want an informercial here.

Orson: Hmmm. I think we have to turn things over to the Dirty Tricks Department.

(Roy stands there, confused as his friends look at him)

Orson: Roy?

Roy: I thought you'd never ask.

(Roy runs into his office, types up something on his typewriter, and pastes it into the book)

Roy: (giggles) Oh, yes. (laughs)

(cut to Aloysius's office, throwing darts at his dartboard, which has choices "Power Anything, Cancel Saturday, Buy New Show, Renew Old Show, More Bears, and Cancel Everything; he throws a dart at Cancel Everything as a knock is heard at the door)

Aloysius: Go away. I'm programming the fall schedule.

Roy: But Mr. Aloysius, sir, we found a wholesome nursery rhyme!

( a doorbell sound is heard just as Aloysius opens the door)

Roy: And you are the only one whose magnificent singing voice can do it justice.

Aloysius: Well, I do have the music in me. (Aloysius finds the rhyme that Roy put in his book) This one here?

Roy: That one there, and REALLY sell it!

(Roy quickly exits just as the bell rings, signifying Aloysius to begin singing)

[Aloysius]

There once was a pig named Aloysius

He wanted poems that were not vicious.

People got sick of his shrill harangue

And so he was covered with lemon meringue.

(Roy, Lanolin, and Wade, peek in on Aloysius with smiles on their faces while he's singing; he is startled to find out that it was about pie throwing)

Aloysius: Lemon meringue? You mean, pie throwing? That's an act of aggression! It's...it's...it's...

(sees Roy, Lanolin, and Wade with lemon meringue pies in their hands)

Aloysius: Are those pies?

(Aloysius dashes away as fast as he can as Roy, Lanolin, and Wade run after him)

Roy: After him!

(They are all seen running out of a studio building and a television lot)

Aloysius: Stop! I'll cancel you! I'll put a golf match in your time slot!

(cut to Orson with a book in hand backstage in one of the studios)

[Orson]

We'll bring to you when we're back next time...

(cut to studio lot where pies are heard hitting Aloysius)

Aloysius: No! HELP!

(cut back to the studio with Orson)

[Orson]

Something more wholesome than a nursery rhyme.

(Roy, Lanolin, and Wade chase Aloysius off the show)

Aloysius: Throwing pies at The Network! That's not right!

(cut to Orson skimming through his book for a nursery rhyme)

Orson: No, we can't do this one on a cartoon show. No, not this one. Probably never let us do this one....

(episode ends)

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