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Transcript

  • [The special starts with with the view of a house in Jon Arbuckle's neighbourhood. The camera moves to the side showing other houses and stops on Jon's house. The camera zooms into the house. Garfield is sitting near the window sill.]
  • Garfield: I'm bored. [pause] Bored, bored, bored.
  • [He jumps down. He walks to a door and leans with his hand on it.]
  • Garfield: What to do today, what to do, what to do?
  • [He looks at the door then the handle. He turns and opens the door. Saxophone music bursts out. Garfield looks at the viewer then slams the door. He opens again and sees a fedora and a waistcoat. Again he closes and opens the door. The camera zooms in at the fedora and waistcoat. Garfield walks in.]
  • Garfield: Hey, not bad. [He puts on the fedora and waistcoat.] Nice fit. [The screen turns black and white. He turns the fedora to the side.] Here's looking at you Sam. Play it again.
  • [Two lights appear in the background and get larger. The sound of a car's engine is heard in the background. Garfield, now Sam Spayed, looks behind him and jumps to the side. On a mountain top, a car is driving alongside the edge of the cliff. The car breaks through the barrier and flies off the mountain.]

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  • [A view of San Francisco appears.]
  • Sam Spayed: San Francisco's a beautiful city. [The camera zooms in.] Cable cars, fog rolling off the bay, China Town, the Golden Gate Bridge, The Wharf. [The viewer now sees an office next to a hotel.] Gee, I wish I lived there. The ust had to be about an inch deep [A door is shown which states "Sam Spayed Private Investigator".] on my desk. A thick layer of papers was forming around the base of the trashcan. [Inside the office, Sam Spayed is resting with his feet on the desk.] An empty bottle of milk lay on the floor next to the couch where I had a business engagement the night before. [A police siren is heard in the background.]
  • Woman: Coffee Sam?
  • Sam Spayed: Yeah.
  • [A woman's hand puts a cup of coffee on the desk.]
  • Sam Spayed: Kitty wasn't much on keeping an office [He picks up the cup.] clean, but she could make a great cup of coffee. [He takes a sip from the cup.] I still remember the day, she came in looking for work. [Kitty is holding a plate with a kettle on it.] She wanted to be a secretary, [pause] she had all the requirements. [Kitty walks into the secretary office.] She made a great cup of coffee [pause] I gave her a job... that was yesterday. Being a private dick isn't easy with a name like Sam Spayed. [He takes another sip from his cup.] But I got all the requirements, I like babes and bullets... and I look kinda neat in a trench coat.
  • Kitty: More coffee Sam?
  • Sam Spayed: Nah.

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  • [A woman is walking in front of Spayed's office.]
  • Sam Spayed: It was a slow day. [She now stops in front of the office.] The hours seemed to drag by like a New York [The viewer now sees a clock. The time is ten to six.] Giants versus Brooklyn Dodgers doubleheader. [Spayed starts walking.] I decided to get a phone.
  • [The woman at the door's hand reaches to open the door. Spayed walks up towards the door.]
  • Sam Spayed: As I was leaving the office, [He's hand opens the door.] I found myself face to face [The camera goes from her feet to her face.] with one of the most beautiful creatures I'd ever seen.
  • Woman: Are you Spayed?
  • [Spayed's eyes open wide. He hesitates to answer the question.]
  • Sam Spayed: I never know how to answer that question. [He turns to face her.] So what brings you here, and why me? There are hundred private investigators in town with better offices then mine. Who are you?
  • Woman: My husband was murdered, your chief, Tanya O'Tabby, will you take the case?
  • Sam Spayed: I had to think for a min-, sure. [The camera now goes from her head to her legs.] Judging by the way she was dressed, she was obviously taping some big bucks. Of Course! It all makes sense now. [A view of Tanya and an old man in a wheelchair appear. They're both on top of stairs .] She marries an old geezer, [She uses the handles of the wheelchair and pushes him down.] Bumps him off, [The viewer sees Tanya holding bags of money.] Inheritances the money, [Spayed's face is shown.] hires a second-rate investigator to find the killer, Who she double crosses [Tanya is seen in a car driving off.] and ends up scot-free. [Goes back to Spayed and Mrs. O'Tabby] So how old was your husband, Mrs. O'Tabby?
  • Tanya O'Tabby: 23.
  • Sam Spayed: Of course! It all makes sense now! [A man stands, holding several women in his arms.] Her husband was obviously a ladies' man. Tanya finds out he's unfaithful [He drinks from a glass.] and has him [He turns pale and falls to the ground] snuffed. [Spayed's face is shown.] She hires a second-rate detective to find the killer, Who she double crosses [Tanya is seen in a car driving off.] and ends up scot-free. It's one of the oldest shams in the book. [Goes back to Spayed and Mrs. O'Tabby] So what did your husband do for a living Mrs. O'Tabby?
  • Tanya O'Tabby: ​He was at St. Morris University, Mr. Spayed. He was Head of the History Department.
  • Sam Spayed: Something wasn't right here. Sounds like a pretty tame profession, doll. Not exactly the kind of job where enemies can be made.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: We all have enemies, don't we, Mr. Spayed?
  • Sam Spayed: Call me Sam, please. What makes you think your husband was murdered?
  • Tanya O'Tabby: He drove off old Mountain Road, Sam, please, that's 40 miles away. He had no reason to be there. Besides, he was an excellent driver. The police say he probably fell asleep at the wheel, but I just can't believe that.
  • Sam Spayed: Her lips started to tremble, I took her hands in mine. [Talks to Mrs. O'Tabby.] Go home, kid. I got work to do. I'll call you when I got something.
  • [Shows Mrs. O'Tabby walking away as Sam sees her, then cuts into the openling credits with smooth jazz music]
  • Singer: My life's full of babes and bullets. No time to lay back and cool it. I've got clues and claws, right here in my paws, Nothing to do but do it. Claws and clues at my feet. I pay my dues on the street. A life full of babes and bullets, it's a living, that's why I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I do it!

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  • [cuts into the scene where Sam Spayed is walking to the Morgue]
  • Sam Spayed: Why someone would murder a 23-year-old college professor was beyond me. Maybe he delivered just one too many lectures on the Boxer Rebellion. Stranger things have happened in this town. [As Sam walks to the morgue, a black car was zoomed in, only to reveal Tanya watching him, then cuts to the morgue] My first stop was the city morgue. [Sam checks his watch] It was 11AM, walking up the steps to the morgue, I saw my old adversary at the top of the steps. It was Lt. Washington.
  • Lt. Washington: Shpayed, what brings you down here? Trying to find a client?
  • Sam Spayed: Sure, lieutenant. He's the one your blue-boys shot out back for jaywalking.
  • Lt. Washington: Watch it, Shpayed. I still have your license under investigation.
  • Sam Spayed: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I know it's safe for a while.
  • Lt. Washington: Shpayed, don't push me!
  • Sam Spayed: Wouldn't dream of it, lieutenant. Have a [Sam mocking his lisp] nishe day. [voiceover] The lieutenant was still saying goodbye as I walked into the Morgue. I spotted the coroner Burt Fleebish.
  • Burt Fleebish: Spayed, what brings you down here?
  • Sam Spayed: Hey Burt, I need to see a body.
  • Burt Fleebish: Who doesn't, eh Sam? [wheezing laughter] What's the name?
  • Sam Spayed: Professor O'Tabby.
  • Burt Fleebish: Oh yeah, tough break. Nice fellow.
  • Sam Spayed: You knew him?
  • Burt Fleebish: Oh, not really, my kid attended St. Morris and had his class, really liked him too, except for his lectures about the Boxer Rebellion. [talks as he walks over to the drawers where the corpses are and pulls out the one with O'Tabby's cadaver in it]
  • Sam Spayed: I can tell Burt's sort of like the guy by the way he pulled out the guy in the drawer with the stiff. [As Spayed walks up to the corpse, Burt pulls off the sheet and Spayed was shocked to see what happened to O'Tabby.] O'Tabby looked like he'd been worked over by the maulers of a midway. It didn't surprise me. When's the autopsy scheduled, Burt?
  • Burt Fleebish: Autopsy? What autopsy?
  • Sam Spayed: His wife thinks it was murder, Burt.
  • Burt Fleebish: Murder? [wheezing laughter] Sam, the man died in a disastrous car accident.
  • Sam Spayed: Looking down at O'Tabby, I noticed some yellowish-brown coloration on his chest and stomach hairs. Hey Burt, you have any explanation for this?
  • Burt Fleebish: Any kind of fluid from a car can make a stain like that.
  • Sam Spayed: Do you have his clothes and any items he had on him when he was discovered?
  • Burt Fleebish: Uh, sure Sam, right here.
  • Sam Spayed: I searched through the clothing looking for anything that might suggest "murder". Right now, it looked as though poor O'Tabby had just had a bad break on the mountain. His shirt was about the only item of clothing that was still recognizable. I noticed the yellowish-brown stains were in the same location on the shirt that they were on the body. I've seen stains like this before, but where? Maybe something would come to me later. There was a curious little stone in the shirt's pocket, it was a very colorful stone on one side, uh, almost as though it were painted.
  • [Phone rings]
  • Burt Fleebish: I'll, uh, be right back, Sam.
  • Sam Spayed: Sure. That's what my ex-wife said. As Burt went to answer the phone, I put the colorful stone in my pocket. I don't why, really, maybe I just like stones.
  • Burt Fleebish: Is there anything else you need, Sam?
  • Sam Spayed: A clue, a motive and a murderer. Goodnight, Burt.
  • Burt Fleebish: Uh, Sam?
  • Sam Spayed: Yeah, Burt?
  • Burt Fleebish: It's noon. [smiles creepily]

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  • [Scene opens up to Mountain Road, with a car driving on the road as Sam Spayed narrates]
  • Sam Spayed: It took me an hour to drive to the scene of the accident, I didn't know what I was gonna find there, but what the heck I at least get a breath of fresh air and I could put the car in the expense account. [sees Tanya gazing down at the site where Mr. O'Tabby mysteriously drove off] It looked like I wasn't the only one who had that idea.
  • [Tanya continues looking down until the car door slams shut]
  • Sam Spayed: Taking a nature walk, Tanya?
  • [Tanya gasps as she was caught off-guard]
  • Tanya O'Tabby: Sam, you startled me.
  • Sam Spayed: I was trying to keep my mind on business, but I couldn't help but notice the lovely view. One word of advice, sweetheart: it's not smart to return to the scene of the crime.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: I was hoping to find a reason for my husband being here last Friday night.
  • Sam Spayed: Like, what kind of reason?
  • Tanya O'Tabby: I don't know, a clue of some kind.
  • Sam Spayed: I'd understand if you were here to cover up your tracks.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: Are you saying I murdered my husband?
  • Sam Spayed: Nothin' personal.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: Oh, Sam.
  • [Tanya cries as her tears drench Sam Spayed, with Sam looking at the audience annoyed]
  • Sam Spayed: I hate when they do that. I stood there, Tanya's mascara dripping on my wingtips and me an hour from the nearest pot of coffee. [Sam grabs Tanya's hand and drags her away] Come on, Tanya, let's find a diner.
  • [as both of them walk away, a loud brass note plays as a thug-like character hides behind the bushes.]

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[As the next scene opens up to Rick's Diner, the camera zooms in close to Sam and Tanya sitting down. Sam and Tanya have a talk.]

  • Tanya O'Tabby: So why do you suspect me of murdering my husband?
  • Sam Spayed: I suspect everybody, baby. Here's a list of suspects I've put together so far.
  • [As Sam hands Tanya his list of suspect, Tanya notices someone on the list]
  • Tanya O'Tabby: Sam, your name's on this list.
  • Sam Spayed: I don't remember where I was last Friday night, Tanya. Therefore, I don't have an alibi. I've been tailing myself for the past three days.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: That's sad.
  • Sam Spayed: What's sad?
  • Tanya O'Tabby: You must be a very lonely man, Sam Spayed.
  • Sam Spayed: You could fix that, Tanya.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: What are you trying to tell me, Sam?
  • Sam Spayed: Do I have to spell it out?
  • Tanya O'Tabby: Give it a shot.
  • Sam Spayed: Y-O-U Ch-C-O-U...
  • Tanya O'Tabby: There's a lot about me you don't know, Sam.
  • Sam Spayed: I know you're great-looking and you dress nice.
  • Tanya O'Tabby: But what if I did murder my husband, what would you think of me then?
  • Sam Spayed: I'd wait for you to get out of prison, baby. It's not like my social calendar's exactly packed. How long can a murder sentence be, 30, maybe 40 years? I'll get it.
  • [As the two touch hands over the creamer, Tanya quickly retracts her hand and runs out of the diner in a dainty manner, with the thug drinking his coffee and noticing her run out the door.]
  • Sam Spayed: The classiest dame I ever met just walked out of my heart, but not out of my case.
  • [As the scene cuts into the streets, Sam checks his list of suspects and folds up the paper in his trench coat. As he ponders who could it be, he ends up bumping the thug and boncues off after. He talks in his narrative]
  • Sam Spayed: Next on the list was O'Tabby's office at the University. I was still a couple of blocks from the campus when I brushed by a big goon on the sidewalk. He had fists the size of babies.
  • [As Tanya's car shows up where Sam and the thug are, the thug grabs Sam by his head and drags him to an alley, continuing his narrative]
  • Sam Spayed: He dragged me into a darkened alley and pounded me to next year.
  • [The thug beats Sam up off-screen while Tanya looks at them with apathy. Afterwards, a dazed Sam was then dropped by the thug, resuming his narrative.]
  • Sam Spayed: As I laid there in a crumpled heap, I smiled to myself. I must be on the trail on something hot to rate a beating from this Neanderthal. I put my jaw back in place and pointed an accusing paw at my assailant. [He cracks his jaw back into place and points his finger at the thug. As Sam's narrative ends, he then speaks up]. So, I suppose you have a message for me.
  • Thug: Yeah! I'm your landlord! You're two months late with the rent!
  • Sam Spayed: Right.
  • [The scene ends with Tanya driving away from both Sam and the landlord]

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  • [The next scene opens up to a building with "History" on its sign. as Sam walks up the steps, he narrates.]
  • Sam Spayed: I was still trying to figure out my landlord's involvement in this caper as I walked up the marble steps to the history building.
  • [He rings the doorbell as soon as he walked to the door, giving the audience a passing glance and then back to the door, which opens up to a new person.]
  • Sam Spayed: Are you in charge around here?
  • Man: Yes, I'm Professor O'Felix. How may I help you?
  • [Sam Spayed shows O'Felix his wallet, with his badge that has the letters "PI".]
  • Sam Spayed: I'm Sam Spayed, P.I..
  • Prof. O'Felix: Oh, nice wallet, Mr. P.I..
  • Sam Spayed: Yeah, yeah, I'd like to ask you a few questions about Prof. O'Tabby.
  • Prof. O'Felix: Ah yes, yes, yes, what a shame. Poor fellow must've fallen asleep at the wheel. Such a waste. I really don't know how I can help you, but I'll be able to answer any questions you have.
  • [As Sam Spayed went inside the building monologuing, he is then taken into his office where O'Felix was making a cup of coffee, pouring it in a cup and then walked over to his desk to give to Sam.]
  • Sam Spayed: Nice guy. He led me to his office and poured us a cup of coffee. I would've preferred my own cup.
  • Prof. O'Felix: Now, what would you like to know, Mr. P.I.?
  • Sam Spayed: Call me Sam, Sam Spayed. Was O'Tabby in any kind of trouble you know of?
  • Prof. O'Felix: No, no trouble. Prof. O'Tabby was a solid citizen. He was well-respected by the faculty and his students. Besides, I-I don't know much about his personal life. Perhaps you should talk to his wife.
  • Sam Spayed: His wife? Yeah, I've talked to her. According to the time of death, you must have been one of the last people to see Prof. O'Tabby alive. Any idea what he was doing up on old Mountain Road last Friday night?
  • Prof. O'Felix: Yes, that much I do know. He was going to visit Maudie O'Purr, a St. Morris alum.
  • Sam Spayed: Why was he going there?
  • Prof. O'Felix: Maudie's a big contributor to the University, especially to the history department. Prof. O'Tabby called on her every Friday night to help her in any way he could. You see, she's a widow. It was Maudie's wish that no one know of his visits. She was, uh, she was a bit eccentric in that regard.
  • Sam Spayed: Of course! It all made sense now. O'Tabby, under the guise of visiting a benefactress to the university was in fact having a clandestine affair with a wealthy widow. How old is Maudie O'Purr?
  • [As Sam Spayed narrates his lead, it showcases O'Tabby with a bouquet of flowers in front of a door to a house that was occupied by a silhouette of what Maudie appeared like, opening the door to him and the view changes to the window with both their silhouettes kissing, then it goes back to Sam and O'Felix]
  • Prof. O'Felix: 93.
  • Sam Spayed: Rats.
  • Prof. O'Felix: Mr. Spayed, I didn't mean to insinuate anything by my statement, it's just that, well, on more than one occasion, Prof. O'Tabby had to put a woman's feelings in perspective. You see, he was a handsome man and, uh, [chuckles] quite popular with the ladies.
  • Sam Spayed: So you don't think he ever gave in into temptation?
  • Prof. O'Felix: Oh no, his only weakness was coffee. I rarely saw him without a cup of it in his hand.
  • Sam Spayed: Well, I think we all depend on a cup of joe every now and then. Thanks for the information and no offense intended, but this is really lousy coffee.
  • Prof. O'Felix: Yes, I admit my coffee needs work, Sam. The lady that normally made our coffee left us recently. She made excellent coffee. She's going to be hard to replace. In fact, heh, I've had to pick up her chores in addition to me own duties.
  • Sam Spayed: Work on that coffee.
  • [As the conversation ends, Sam Spayed gets up from his seat and glares at O'Felix]

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  • Jon: Garfield, what're you doing in there?
  • Garfield: Getting ready to roll the credits, pal.
  • More to come
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