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"Halt! Officer Odie orders you to stop and help!"
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(The episode, which marks the beginning of the third season, begins above Jon’s house. Jon is inside the kitchen wearing a tank top and shorts packing a basket with picnic supplies from the fridge so that he and Liz can go on a picnic)
Jon: Well, picnic basket’s all packed! Now, where again is this forest we’re going to?
Liz: I have a map. It’s a remote area and no one ever takes care of the animals there or feeds them.
Jon: Chuckle You love feeding animals, don’t you?
Liz: Ha! Look who’s talking. Speaking of which, where are…?
Jon: Oh, Odie’s watching a fairy tale on TV and Garfield’s upstairs asleep.
(In the living room, on Garfield’s chair, Odie presses a button on the remote, his tongue hanging from his mouth and his toes pointed forward)
Odie: Mutters (Jon and Liz peek at the pup from the kitchen door)
Liz: Huh?
Jon: He should be waking up any minute now. (The camera pans upstairs, into Jon’s room, where Garfield is sound asleep on his bed on the dresser with Pooky in his paws and an alarm clock next to him)
Garfield: Snore snore (He wakes up and addresses the audience) Yawn! Oh, what a strange dream. I was eating linguini and clams. Usually on Tuesdays I dream about eating FETTUCCINE and clams. Gasp! Let's see what time it is. (He sets Pooky down and grabs the clock. Seeing that it’s 11:00 sets off alarm bells and sirens) Oh no! I’m missing my favorite show! (He zips off downstairs)
(Below, unsuspecting Odie watches intensely to his fairy tale, leaning forward in the chair and sticking his tongue out the side of his mouth)
Woman on TV: We will search the kingdom to find his true love…
Odie: Mutter (Garfield rudely boots him off, grabbing the remote in the process) Yow! (Odie crashes into a wall and the fat cat switches stations. The pooch grabs the arm of the chair and woozily pulls himself up, his eyes still spinning) Aww.
Garfield: Thanks, Odie. I almost missed Eddie Gourmand.
Odie: Huh? Aww… (He hangs his head dejectedly)
Garfield: Today he’s gonna take a look at spaghetti and meatballs! (He licks his lips excitedly)
Odie: Aww… (He shakes his head, not interested in pasta or spheres of meat)
Eddie Gourmand: (On TV) Welcome to my show, people! Welcome, welcome, welcome! (Inside the studio…) On today's show, we’re going to look (He wiggles his fingers) at spaghetti and meatballs! (He pulls out a platter piled with pasta and protein and plants it in front of him. He licks his lips and wiggles his fingers)
Garfield: Laughs (His tongue hangs out of his mouth and he grabs the cushion of his chair. Odie, who is standing next to him, still looks sad)
Eddie Gourmand: (while holding the plate of spaghetti) Ooh! Isn’t this wonderful?
Garfield: This is the best show on television apart from mine, of course.
Odie: Frustrated and disappointed mutters
Garfield: I’ve gained three pounds just watching it so far!
Odie: Oh…cries…oh…
Garfield: Odie, you’d rather watch some fairy tale than look at spaghetti and meatballs?
Odie: (Turning to his fat feline friend) Uh-huh.
Garfield: Scoff.
Odie: Moan (He realizes that Garfield won’t budge, so he just mopes next to him)
Eddie Gourmand: (On TV) For the benefit of those of you who just joined us, (In the studio) we’ll be looking at this plate of spaghetti and meatballs for an entire hour! Laughs Oh, and tomorrow is Chinese food day. (Garfield watches with the same intensity that Odie had when the fairy tale was on) We’ll be looking at moo goo gai pan, (Garfield glances at his puppy pal)
Garfield: Scoff! (His demeanor changes from excited to irritated)
Eddie Gourmand: (continuing on TV) shrimp and oyster sauce, (The fat cat again looks over at the moping mutt)
Garfield: Exasperated sigh.
Eddie Gourmand: (continuing on TV) shrimp and chow mein… (Reluctantly, Garfield grabs the remote and switches back to the fairy tale)
Odie: Huh? (He looks up at the TV. Seeing that Garfield changed it instantly causes the pup to perk up) Right! Pants
Garfield: (while adjusting himself in his chair) Fairy tales are silly. (His ears droop forward) I could make up a better story than THIS.
Odie: Mutters Hums (He applauds the TV as Jon carries the heavy picnic basket out to the car. Why he’s not using the handle I do not know)
Jon: Strain Liz and I are leaving! (Liz waves good-bye to the pets) We’ll be back late. Enjoy yourself, guys! Grunt
Garfield: We will. (He slumps back in his chair)
Liz: And don’t get into any trouble.
Garfield: We will.
Odie: Mutters (He points at the TV as a commercial for a refrigerator airs, with Jim Davis as the spokesman. He turns to Garfield, but seeing the Flabby Tabby’s attitude, he drops his ears and looks at him with big puppy dog eyes) Aww
Garfield: (annoyed) You want me to read you a fairy tale?
Odie: (standing up) Uh-huh! (He wags his tail excitedly, hoping that Garfield will oblige) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Uh-huh!
Garfield: I have important things to do. Naps.
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: (continuing, and getting up from his chair) more naps, naps during other naps. (He leaves to go upstairs and catch up on some sleep)
Odie: Mutters Moan (He hangs his head sadly) cries (Garfield, who was heading for the stairs, can’t stop looking back toward the living room and the crying canine) whimpers
Garfield: Huh? (He stops at the foot of the stairs) Exasperated sigh (He caves in, turns back around and walks up to the persistent pup) Sigh
Odie: (shocked that Garfield is going through with this) Huh? Pants
Garfield: (continuing) OK. But wait here a moment. (He points at Odie and then down at the floor before leaving)
Odie: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Right! (He obeys and winks at the audience)
(Outside, Jon struggles to carry the heavy basket while Liz reads the map)
Jon: Grunt strain (He sets the basket down. Like a gentleman, he opens the passenger seat door for Liz) Chuckle
Liz: Oh! (She gets in the car)
(Unbeknownst to the humans, Garfield digs through the picnic basket, tossing a few things aside before coming out with a sandwich)
Garfield: Ah, ham and cheese on sourdough with brown mustard? (With his prize in his paws, he returns inside to read Odie a story. Jon doesn’t notice, as he just picks up the basket–this time by the handle–loads it in the trunk, gets in the car and fastens his seatbelt)
Liz: That picnic basket looked heavy.
Jon: It seemed lighter just now, about the weight of a ham and cheese on sourdough with brown mustard. (He backs up out of the driveway and speeds off down the street)
(Inside, Odie carries a stack of eight books and sets them on the end table. Garfield walks up and examines them)
Garfield: Hmm. Ah, this one will do. (He takes the simple route and grabs the book on top. He hops on the couch with Odie, who is sitting next to him)
Odie: Pants Bark! (He stands up and looks over Garfield’s shoulder at the book) Giggle
Garfield: Huh? Wha-? (The hyperactive pup hops around Garfield before finally sitting down next to him) Alright let’s see. (He begins reading) “Once upon a time…” (He abruptly closes the book four words in) I've read this story.
Odie: Sputters Aww! Aww! (He puts his paws to his mouth)
Garfield: Chuckles I’m kidding, I’m kidding! (He waves his paw at Odie) OK, (He opens the book and resumes the story. On the front cover of the red book is a shape of a cat resembling Garfield holding a hat) “Once upon a time there was an extremely Handsome Cat.” (He turns to Odie) You wanna know how handsome this cat was? (Odie–without hesitation–slides over to the Tubby Tabby and looks at the book with him)
Odie: Uh-huh!
Garfield: THAT handsome! (Odie looks at Garfield and then at the book)
(The screen transitions to a Fairy Tale world, and a castle overlooking a small village. The Handsome Cat, played by Garfield, sings an introductory song)
Handsome Cat: (AKA Garfield) Who is the cat, who people celebrate?
Me! (He is shown wearing a Robin Hood-type outfit: green hat and shoes, a red cape, and a belt around his waist)
It's me! (He dances with a flock of chickens)
Who is one, they all appreciate?
Me! (He dances with mice as a fox chases the chickens behind him)
Yes, me!
Who is the slyest, who's on the rise? (He slides on the street. Female cats gaze at him lovingly)
As you can see, me. (He dances with a couple of female cats–one at a time and one of them being Arlene–before spinning them both offscreen and into random objects)
Still me!
Who is the highest, who takes the prize? (He devours all the food on a cart)
Me!
Not you!
Me! (He dances on a rooftop with four other cats, one of them being Harry)
Who wins the test, (he and some of his backup dancers slide down the roof into a passing cart of hay) above the rest?
By now you've guessed,
You're impressed,
That I'm so blessed! (Harry and another cat catch him as he jumps out of the cart)
I must suggest it's me. (He slides on his knees and winks at the camera, pointing his fingers triumphantly before running back into the castle)
The very best, it's me! (The song ends. He opens the door of the castle and heads inside)
Garfield: (narrating) He lived a quiet but happy life within the castle. Sometimes he would eat, (The Handsome Cat devours everything on his plate at a royal feast) and sometimes he would sleep, (He snoozes at the foot of the stairs leading up to the throne and on his royal bed. Both times he snores loudly) and sometimes he would eat AND sleep. (He sleeps at the dinner table. With every snore, he inhales food like a vacuum. Understandably, Odie is confused by this)
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: Saves time.
Odie: Confused mutters
Garfield: (reading) “The magnificent cat’s life was good, except for three problems: (returning back to the kingdom, a bird chirps as the Handsome Cat sleeps on the edge…of a rooftop. Whatever you do, don’t roll over) one was an extremely Dimwitted Dog that was always asking him to throw a stick so it could be fetched. (On the street below the cat, the Dimwitted Dog, who is portrayed by Odie, barks as Garfield reads)
Dimwitted Dog: (AKA Odie) Bark! Bark! Bark! (Once the camera pans down, the Dimwitted Dog stands on his hind legs with a stick in his mouth hoping to get the cat’s attention. Despite not being smart, the real Odie glares at Garfield, as the pup suspects that the feline is taking jabs at him)
Odie: Hm?
Garfield: That’s what it says here. (He points at the book) Do you think I'm just making this all up?
Odie: Oh! (He crosses his arms and glares at Garfield. He leans over to try to read the fat cat’s book, but Garfield pulls it away)
Garfield: Chuckles
Odie: Mutters (Frustrated, Odie turns his back to Garfield and crosses his arms. Garfield winks to the audience)
Garfield: Fine. Let's move on. (Odie turns back around as Garfield flips some of the pages) Where was I? (He finds his place, and returns to the village of the Handsome Cat, who is walking down the street with the Dimwitted Dog following him) Oh yes, asking him to throw a stick so it could be fetched.
Dimwitted Dog: Whimpers
Handsome Cat: Sigh. (He clenches his fists and shakes his head, sick of the constant whimpering and whining) Ugh. (He turns to look at the pup, who holds a stick in his mouth)
Dimwitted Dog: Pants Right! (His tail wags behind him)
Handsome Cat: Alright, alright, (He takes the stick) just to be rid of you! (He walks off. The pooch jogs along side him)
(Later, the Handsome Cat tosses the stick into a catapult)
Dimwitted Dog: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (He hops excitedly in place) Pants (Garfield then pauses the story for a brief moment)
Garfield: For those of you who don’t know (He closes the book, sets it aside, and walks over to a catapult, much to Odie’s confusion) this is called a catapult. (He points at it)
Odie: Mutter (He gets a “Bruh” look, simply wanting Garfield to continue the story. But, for now, the Tubby Tabby stands in front of a chalkboard)
Garfield: A catapult (He writes a rock and a soldier on the board with chalk, standing on the edge for support) is an ancient weapon invented by Greek soldiers to hurl large boulders at their enemies. (He points at his drawing as he stands on a rolling stool. Odie, however, is getting annoyed)
Odie: Angry mutters (He holds the book in front of him and points at it, urging Garfield to continue the story. To the Flabby Tabby’s credit, he does, and the camera returns to the castle’s catapult)
Handsome Cat: But it’s even handier for this. (He pushes a lever and the stick is sent flying into the distance. The Dimwitted Dog sprints after it)
Dimwitted Dog: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!
Handsome Cat: Laughs (He waves good-bye and calls out to him) See you sometime around Halloween! (Satisfied, he turns around and slowly walks)
Garfield: (narrating) So the dog with the long tongue was one of his problems. Another… (Garfield is shown pointing up. Odie slides a bit further on the couch)
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: (continuing the story) "was the prince's twin nieces." (He wiggles his fingers menacingly)
Odie: Whimpers (In front of the Handsome Cat stand the twin nieces, played by Drucilla and Minerva)
Twin Nieces: There he is! There is the kitty cat!
Handsome Cat: Oh no! Whoa! (He turns around and flees. The twins follow)
Twin Nieces: Hey, kitty cat, we want to play with you! Come back! (The cat runs toward the castle. The twins remain in hot pursuit) Stop! Kitty cat, where are you? We have lots of designer gowns for you!
Handsome Cat: Whimpers
Twin Nieces: Let’s give him a bath! Let’s give him TWO baths! (The feline bolts up the stairs to the castle, but is stopped by two knights in solid black armor before he can reach the door) There he is!
Handsome Cat: Help! (He realized that there’s nowhere else to go)
Twin Nieces: There’s the kitty cat!
Handsome Cat: Whimpers I am so doomed! (He shakes his head)
Twin Nieces: Let’s play dress-up! (They grab him, and–soon after–carry him through the castle by his hand and foot) Let’s do his eyebrows!
Handsome Cat: No! Don’t! Stop! Call the palace guard! Call the royal babysitter! Call the fashion police! HEEEEEEEEEEELP!
(Later, they hold up a mirror showing the cat dresses in a princess gown and conical hat similar to the twins’ outfits)
Twin Nieces: He’ll smell so sweet! He’ll look gorgeous!
Handsome Cat: The worst part is I don't even look GOOD in this color. (Odie enjoys a good laugh at this)
Odie: Snickers
Garfield: (angrily) Ooh! (He clenches his fists and scowls at the pup)
Odie: Quiet mutters (He puts his paws to his mouth and stops snickering. Garfield resumes the story and Odie silently pants)
Garfield: “And the cat’s third problem was his MASTER’S problem.” (Inside the throne room, Prince Jon–played by Jon, of course–sits on his singular throne. The Royal Food Taster–played by Eddie Gourmand–stands before him) Prince Jon had to find a bride and he needed one soon. (The prince shakes his head and holds his head in his hand)
Prince Jon: But I do not want to marry any of the women at the royal ball last night.
Royal Food Taster: Look, I’m just the royal food taster around here, but I know this: royal law says that if you don’t marry by your 21st birthday the next in line becomes king!
Prince Jon: Moan. Sigh (He rests his head on his arm)
Royal Food Taster: And you know who the next in line is! (He points outside)
Prince Jon: Huh? (Outside, in a balcony overlooking the village, Viceroy Whipple–played by Dr. Whipple–reads a list of taxes he plans to impose upon the people)
Garfield: (narrating) Next in line was the royal viceroy, and he was not a nice man at all.
Viceroy Whipple: Alright, attention peasants, when I take charge, I'll be instituting some new taxes. (The people below gasp in horror) Let’s see, (He reads from his list) “tax on inhaling, tax on exhaling, tax on holding your breath, tax on not breathing at all.” (Even the dead have to pay taxes)
Citizen 1: I protest these taxes!
Viceroy Whipple: Tax on protesting these taxes! (Two knights in pitch black armor approach on either side of the rebellious man) “A tax on tying your shoes, a tax on wearing loafers…” (The people moan and complain)
Citizen 2: What if we go barefoot?
Viceroy Whipple: Uh…a tax on going barefoot. (He writes that onto an empty spot on the list) Thank you. Alright, “A tax on thumbtacks, a tax on putting ketchup on a cheese sandwich…” (Hearing this, the prince hangs his head in sorrow)
Prince Jon: Sigh. His greed will destroy this kingdom.
Royal Food Taster: Which is why you need to find a bride, and soon! By tomorrow.
Prince Jon: Moan. (He suddenly becomes determined to save the kingdom) Then marry I shall, even if I have to marry the next woman who walks through that door! (He points vaguely to his left. To his surprise, the Handsome Cat, still wearing the nieces’ princess outfit, walks out and in front of the prince) Gasp! Oh! Huh? HUH? Well, maybe I could keep looking for a little longer.
Royal Food Taster: You know, he doesn’t look good in that color. (He looks at the audience and shrugs)
(Later, he sits at his banquet table with his nieces, the Royal Food Taster, his cat–who is now back in his regular garb–and a woman who may or may not be his bride)
Garfield: (narrating) He had been dining with every available maiden in the kingdom and was down to the last three.
Woman 1: People say I gotta help humanity. I say what has humanity ever done for me? (Jon taps his fingers on the table. The Handsome Cat pulls a large bone out of his mouth)
Handsome Cat: Strike one. ( A bell sound plays once as Vito serves him a pizza. The cat tosses the bone aside and licks his lips hungrily) Laughs
(Prince Jon then has a meal with the next candidate to be his wife)
Woman 2: Me, ME, me, me, me. (She says the word “me” a couple dozen times–I lost track of how many times somewhere in the middle–irritating everyone, especially the prince, who covers his ears) and only me!
Prince Jon: Must you speak all evening about yourself?
Woman 2: You are right, Prince Jon. Let us speak about YOU now. What do you think of me? (She rests her head on her hands and blinks)
Prince Jon: Moan (He faceplants into his plate of food)
Handsome Cat: Stee-rike two! (A bell sound effect rings twice as he holds up two fingers as Vito serves him another pizza) Laughs (He takes the pizza)
(The third woman the prince brought to the table has a whole chicken in her hands and is devouring it. The chicken is so big it covers her face)
Woman 3: Chewing noises
Prince Jon: So, chuckle, tell me a little about yourself. (loudly) I’d like to get to know you! Moan (He hangs his head in disappointment)
Handsome Cat: Stee-rike three! (He holds up three fingers and the bell sound effect rings thrice) She’s out! (Vito places a cauldron of chocolate sauce in front of the fat feline) Boy, could you imagine trying to live with someone like that? (The Handsome Cat dives in head first, so that he’s halfway in and halfway out of the cauldron of sauce) Gurgling noises
(Later, after the banquets, the Handsome Cat and Dimwitted Dog cross paths in one of the castle corridors)
Garfield: (narrating) It was about then that the not-all-that-smart dog finally got back with the stick.
Dimwitted Dog: Wheeze! Coughs (He is exhausted from chasing a stick a large distance and then bringing it back, but he holds the stick and pants breathlessly)
Handsome Cat: (with a slice of pizza in his paw) Oh, hi. Well, it looks like the prince will never find a bride. (He walks off. The pup slowly follows)
Dimwitted Dog: Whimpers (The cat finishes his pizza)
Handsome Cat: The evil Viceroy will be our new King!
Dimwitted Dog: Huh?
Handsome Cat: (continuing) Bad for the kingdom, but I don’t care that much.
Dimwitted Dog: Whimpers (He shakes his head as he and the feline climb a flight of spiral stairs)
Handsome Cat: (continuing) Nothing that evil power-mad guy will affect me.
Dimwitted Dog: Whimpers
(Outside, the Viceroy continues reading the list of taxes)
Viceroy Whipple: A tax on watching cartoon shows, a tax on blinking, (The cat and dog pair lean over the edge of the turret wall and look down at the Viceroy) a tax on dancing with a monkey…
Dimwitted Dog: Soft mutters
Handsome Cat: See, that doesn’t affect me. (They look at each other)
Viceroy Whipple: A tax on vigorous exercise…
Handsome Cat: See, that really doesn’t affect me.
Viceroy Whipple: A tax on eating pasta, tomato sauce, or anything that contains cheese…
Handsome Cat: See? (He hops of his vantage point and starts walking toward inside the castle) None of these things affect me. (The pasta tax then sinks in. He looks into the camera in a frenzied panic) Gasp! A tax on pasta?! No, no, no, no! (He holds up his paws in front of him) Unfair! (He runs back next to the Dimwitted Dog and protests loudly) Tax brussels sprouts! Tax health food! Tax anything with yogurt in it, just don’t tax lasagna! (The Viceroy, either not hearing or not caring, returns inside)
Dimwitted Dog: Mutters
Handsome Cat: We have to stop that man! (The grabs the pooch’s arm and pulls him alongside as the cat hurries back inside) We have to help Prince Jon find a wife!
Dimwitted Dog: Pants Right!
(Back in the living room, Garfield reads and Odie listens, sticking his tongue out of the side of his mouth)
Garfield: “So the brilliant cat and the not brilliant dog were determined to…” oh wait. (He looks at Odie and points in the air) Time for a burrito break. (He closes the book, drops it, and hops off the arm of the couch) Wait here.
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: (appearing and addressing the audience) And don’t you go anywhere either! I’ll be back in one burrito. (He holds up one finger and zips away to the kitchen)
Odie: Moan (He holds his tummy as he waits for his fat friend) Quiet muttering (He looks at the open book scratches his chin as this story is put on hold)
TO BE CONTINUED…