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Transcript

(the episode begins on the farm as Roy reads a magazine at his desk)

(slow instrumental music to the tune of "The Four Seasons - Fall, movement 1)

(Roy notices the viewing audience)

Roy: Oh, hello. I'm Roy Rooster, comedy star of this cartoon.

(Roy gets out from behind his desk with boxer shorts on)

Roy: Today, I'd like to step out from behind my usual role and talk to you about a very important subject: Comedy.

(Roy sees his boxer shorts)

Roy: Whoops! Excuse me one moment.

(Roy dashes behind a booth)

Roy: Boy, first time on the show I get to wear pants, and I forget to wear them. (steps out again with pants on) Comedy. I am responsible for most of it on this program. Let me show you two brief examples of my work.

(Roy pulls a slide screen down and plays his first video)

Roy: This is from the episode, Hiya, Hun, in which I convince Wade that Attila the Hun is attacking the farm.

(Wade is singing and doing chores, just as Roy, who is disguised with arrows all over him)

Roy: Quick! You've gotta warn everyone! Attila the Hun is attacking!

Wade: Attila the Hun? But he's been dead for over 1,500 years.

Roy: A trick to catch everyone off guard! The Huns are attacking! Someone (hacks) has to warn Istanbul! (hacks) I'm a goner, but you (wheezes) must alert them!

(Roy collapses on the ground before Wade runs around and screams)

Wade: Help! Help! Attila the Hun possibly attacking! Help! Oh, help!

(Wade runs until he is out of sight)

Wade: Attila the Hun alert! Second time today! Help! Oh, help!

(back to Roy in the present day)

Roy: (laughing hysterically) Are you gonna tell me that's not funny? And the best part was I did it to him then and three more times in the reruns! (laughs hysterically) (clears throat) All right. Now, here's a rotten thing I did to Orson last season. Maestro.

(cheerful music to the tune of U.S. Acres as the movie counts down to Roy's second video where Orson is seeing signs warning him of a Splut)

(jazzy instrumental music)

Orson: (reading) "Beware of the Splut." "The Splut is coming." What is the Splut?

(Roy is attempting to read the recipe for a cake as Orson approaches him)

Roy: (humming) One quart of milk. (pours it into a bowl)

Orson: Roy?

Roy: Five cups of flour. (pours it into the bowl)

Orson: Have you seen these signs that say, "Beware of the Splut?"

Roy: One whole mess of sugar. (pours it into the bowl) (to Orson) Uh-huh.

Orson: What is the Splut?

Roy: What is what?

Orson: The Splut!

(Roy stirs and mixes the ingredients in the bowl together)

Roy: I know. It's coming. I'm making a cake in honor of it.

Orson: But what IS it?

Roy: What's what, Orson?

Orson: Argh! Never mind! I'll ask someone else!

(Orson leaves to ask someone before Roy pours the mixed ingredients into a pan and dashes toward a nearby oven.

(Roy tosses the cake in as the jazzy music continues. Roy looks at his watch as the cake bakes)

(The oven dings, then Roy uses his oven mitts to take the cake out. He then dumps it out of the pan, and sure enough, it has hardened)

(Roy puts chocolate icing on the cake as the finishing touch before running again and climbing a ladder to the top of the chicken coop where Orson is just below, talking to Bo Sheep)

Orson: Bo, what do you know about this Splut that's coming?

(Roy drops the "Splut" on Orson at that instant, making it go squish)

Roy: Yes!

(Roy leaves the top of the chicken coop just as we see Orson covered with cake all over him)

Orson: (sighs) Never mind.

(Roy appears next to Orson and Bo)

Roy: Happy Splut, Orson! (laughs hysterically)

(back to Roy in the present day)

Roy: Now then, we all find those two scenes funny. Why do I find them funny? Because they didn't happen to me. And why do you find them funny? Because they didn't happen to you! Now, why am I telling you all this? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, members of my fan club, both of you, I am giving up practical jokes.

(Roy puts his wing on his face in shame)\

Roy: Not by choice, mind you, but by necessity. It all began yesterday when I got a call. Cue the flashback!

(The scene changes to the previous day with a hand snaps the director's clapperboard cuing the flashback)

(A man appears and hands Roy a telephone)

Man: Phone call for Roy Rooster.

Roy: Tell them I'm busy. (giggling)

Man: But it's...the network.

(DA DUM!)

Roy: (gasps) Not...the network!

(DA DUM!)

(Roy picks up the receiver)

Roy: Hiya, babe. What's happening? How are the numbers? Let's sky to Gotham for confabs.

Network Man: (on the phone) Roy, this is (DA DUM!) the network. Come see us at the office...right away.

(jazzy instrumental music)

(Roy quickly goes to a big building that has the letters CSB on it)

Roy: (V.O.) I hurried right to their offices. You don't kid around when you get a call from...the network.

(DA DUM!)

(Roy comes into the office and sits down)

Network Man: Come in, Roy.

(We see someone in a big chair in the shadows)

Network Man: Roy, I'll get right to the point. You do a lot of practical jokes on your show. Panicking the duck, dumping food on the pig. Uh, what was his name?

Roy: Uh, Orson.

Network Man: Orson, right. Major talent there. Well, Roy, it seems we've gotten complaints about your so-called jokes.

Roy: Complaints?

(The network man takes out a piece of paper)

Network Man: More specifically, we received...a letter.

(dramatic instrumental stinger)

Roy: (gasps) No! Not...a letter!

(dramatic instrumental stinger!

Roy: (V.O.) I studied it closer, and there was no doubt about it. It was...a letter.

(dramatic instrumental stinger)

Roy: (V.O.) It was from a woman in Boise, Idaho, and it said:

(An old lady is seen writing the letter just a Roy is cringing in fear)

Edna: (V.O.) "Dear TV station, I find the antics of Roy Rooster tasteless, cruel, and unfunny. Sincerely, Mrs. Edna W. Outraged.

(back to the network office)

Network Man: Roy, we're in the business of pleasing viewers. Do you know what this means? It means...you're fired.

Roy: No! No! You can't do this to me!

(Roy jumps onto the table and slides to the other side)

Roy: Show business is my life! You can't cancel me! I don't want to be a trivia question! Please?

Network Man: Well, maybe if you cut out the practical jokes.

Roy: They're cut. They're gone. No more pies, no more lies, no more Spluts. That's me. Wholesome humor Roy.

Network Man: And you can stay.

(flashback ends; back to Roy in the present day)

Roy: And so, ladies and gentlemen, from now on, you'll be seeing a different Roy here.

(Roy proceeds to change out of his outfit behind the booth. He emerges with no clothes on at all)

Roy: And now, I have to get into my working clothes, and we can start this episode with the new Roy in it. Mrs. Outraged, I hope you're happy.

(Orson sees Roy approaching him. Orson is preparing a picnic)

Orson: Oh, hi, Roy. Causing trouble?

Roy: Oh, no. You know me, Orson. I never cause trouble. Mm-mm.

Orson: I'm packing a picnic lunch. (points to a pie) Oh, you see that pie over there?

Roy: That pie over there?

(the pie on the table is seen close up)

Orson: Yes. Would you let me have it?

(Roy is delighted with the idea and thinks about hitting Orson with it)

Roy: Sure! I'll let you have it! (changes his mind) No. I can't do that anymore. I promised...(DA DUM!) the network.

(Roy begins to exclaim as the pie on the table is seen close up)'

Orson: Something wrong, Roy? Just pick up the pie and let me have it.

(Wade Duck arrives)

Wade: Hi, Roy. You haven't seen any scary things around here, have you?

Roy: (straining) No...I...haven't.

Orson: Roy, what's wrong with you? You know where the pie belongs. Now pick it up and let me have it!

(Roy exclaims loudly and tugs on his red comb to try and resist letting Orson have it as the pie is seen close up yet again, but can no longer do so)

Roy: NO! I can't live like this! I can't do it the strain is too much!

(Roy runs off just before Orson and Wade do a high-five)

(scene change to the network office building CSB as Roy rushes into the office)

Roy: I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it! Cancel me if you have to! Stick me on a show with the...Buddy Bears!

(Roy jumps on to the table and crawls to the network man and pleads to him)

Roy: Practical joking is my life! I don't care if you get two letters or even three letters! I can't stop doing it! I can't! I can't! (cries)

Network Man: Roy, if you feel that way...

(the network man steps out of the shadows and Orson is revealed)

Orson: As I said, if you feel that way, you can go back to practical joking.

(Roy's eyes open wide)

Roy: Orson...it's you?

(Wade steps out of the shadows)

Wade: And me, too.

Orson: You know, Roy, you're right! Practical jokes are a lot of fun!

Wade: As long as they happen to someone else. (laughs)

Roy: (growls in anger)

Orson: Come on, Roy. Can't you take a joke?

Wade: It doesn't look that way.

Orson takes off the wig and he and Wade run out of the network office building as Roy chases them with lemon meringue pies and hits them on the back)

Roy: I'll get you! You'll taste meringue, you network impostors!

(Squishing sounds are heard)

Wade: Well, Roy always was a very good sport.

Roy: Where's a banana when you need one?

(episode ends)

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