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"Well, if there's more to write, then why don't we write it?"
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(the episode begins as planes fly in to a place called Jiffy Postal Service; cut inside to one of the employees on the phone and processing packages)
Female Employee: Jiffy Express Package Service. Please hold.
Boss: (on intercom) Those packages have to go out right away.
Female Employee: I'll get right on them, sir. Overnight letter to New York: four ounces. Cute kitten to Abu Dhabi: six pounds. Overnight package to Albequer...Cute kitten?
(Garfield walks to the counter)
Garfield: If you could stamp on there "please bend and fold."
(Jon sees Garfield)
Jon: Garfield.
Garfield: I just remembered, I have a lasagna in the oven. Bye.
(Garfield runs out as Jon collects the packaged "cute kitten")
Jon: (sighs) He's getting better. Last time, he tried to do this with carrier pigeons.
(scene change to Garfield's house where Nermal and Jon are watching TV)
Announcer: (on TV) So hurry and order today.
Nermal: This commercial seems to be taking a long time.
Jon: This is what they call an infomercial. It's a long commercial that looks like a show, but is really designed to sell something.
Nermal: Garfield's always trying to get rid of me...(yawns)...mail me places... (yawns again) I'm surprised he hasn't tried one of those infomercial things.
(Nermal falls asleep and dreams as scene dissolves to a television program)
Announcer: Live from the Cute Kitten Clearing House of America, it's The Great Nermal Cat Giveaway!
(audience cheers and applause)
Announcer: With your chance to own for yourself, one of the world's most disgustingly cute creatures! No, your ears are not deceiving you. For a limited time ony, until we get rid of the only one we have, you can have this repulsive beast in your very own home! And now, here's your host for The Great Nermal Cat Giveaway, the mastermind whose idea this was: Garfield Cat!
(Garfield rises up from the floor as it opens above him and makes his entrance through audience cheers and applauds)
Garfield: Thank you! Thank you!
(audience cheers and applause)
Garfield: That's right, tonight some un...er, lucky viewer will get THIS right in their own home. Why are we making this incredible offer? Is it an advertising stunt? No! Is it a goodwill gesture? Certainly not! There's only one reason we're giving Nermal away! Tell them what it is, audience!
Audience: Because we don't want him!
Garfield: That's right, but if, by some miracle, you do, here's how to get yours!
(the words "CALL NOW!" flash on the screen as Garfield pulls a video over)
Announcer: Now is the chance of a lifetime! If you've always wanted a nauseating little monster wandering around your house, don't miss this opportunity to own your very own Nermal Cat!
(audience cheers and applause as the words "YOU CAN HAVE HIM! WE DON'T WANT HIM! appear on screen, followed by a flashy "GET HIM OUTTA HERE!")
Announcer: You probably never thought it was possible. Well, it is, for a limited time only, like, until we get rid of him, we're giving away Nermal Cat!
("Operators are Standing By" on screen)
Announcer: And the best part is the price. He's absolutely free! No sales tax, no postage, no handling, no delivery charges, setup costs, or fees of any sort. You want him? You can have him!
(a guarantee appears)
Announcer: And every Nermal Cat comes with this guarantee: If you're not absolutely thrilled with this cat after 30 days or 30 seconds, whichever comes first.
(cut to Garfield sleeping in bed as Nermal wakes him up yet again)
Announcer: Plus, your Nermal Cat is an alarm clock guaranteed to wake you up in the rudest manner possible every time you try to sleep.
Nermal: HI, GARFIELD!!
Garfield: AAAAAH!
Announcer: Like most cats, your Nermal will eat any kind of cat food except the brand you bought him. Remember, it'll be Christmas shopping time again sometime this year, or next year, or the year after, and what better way to say to someone, "I really never liked you" than the gift of Nermal? So don't delay, we only have one, but believe us, one is plenty. This is your chance to own the pet that nine out of ten people don't want either. So pick up that phone and say those magic words: "I Want Nermal Cat!" Some assembly required. Se habla español.
(cut back to The Great Nermal Giveaway where Garfield and various telephone operators are at the phones)
Garfield: All right, here's the chance you've been waiting for! The phone lines are open! First person to call gets Nermal! Go to it!
(long pause except for one short bell ring)
Garfield: Uh, you can call now, folks. Operators are standing by.
(one phone rings)
Garfield: I'll get it! I'll get it!
(Garfield picks up the phone)
Garfield: Great Nermal Giveaway. Where do you want him shipped? Wha? No, I do not want to change my long-distance company. Hey, are you watching TV? We're giving away Nerm...
(phone dial tone)
Garfield: All right, since no one's calling, looks like we'll have to sweeten the deal! Tell them all about it!
Announcer: And now, for a limited time only, whoever takes Nermal Cat off our hands will also receive...Odie!
(Odie drops in beside Nermal)
Announcer: That's right, this adorable puppy with the oversized tongue and undersized brain can be yours if you act now and get Nermal outta here! Imagine the fun you'll have with your very own Odie. You can kick him off the table. You can throw the stick so he can fetch it. You can kick him off the table again. You can throw the stick so he can...well, you get the idea. Your Odie comes complete with everything you see here. Batteries not included. But don't delay, we only have one of these, too! Pick up the phone and call for your very own Odie! This puppy void where prohibited.
(multiple phones ringing at once)
Garfield: Oh, boy!
(multiple operators talking at once)
Operator 1: No, you have to take Nermal as well.
Operator 2: Sorry, we can't break up a set.
Garfield: Hello? You wanna take Nermal off our hands? No, you have to take the kitten to get the puppy. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
(Garfield and the operators put the phones down)
Garfield: Apparently, some people don't understand! It's a package deal! In order to get Odie, you have to take Nermal, too! One of you must want Nermal!
(Garfield rushes to center stage where a new sportscar is seen as lively instrumental music plays again)
Garfield: We'll throw in a new car! Take Nermal, and you can have Odie and the car!
(long pause)
Garfield: Nothing, huh?
(Garfield takes out cash and the Klopman Diamond)
Garfield: How about we throw in $100,000 in cash and the Klopman Diamond?
(all the phone operators have fallen asleep and snore loudly as Garfield kicks some cash and walks to Nermal in defeat)
Garfield: Forget it. I can't even give you away, Nermal.
Nermal: Nobody wants me?!
(cut back to Garfield's house where Nermal wakes up on Jon's lap)
Nermal: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Nermal's screaming instantly startles Jon)
Jon: Huh? Oh, Nermal. Nermal, you were having a bad dream.
Nermal: I was?
Jon: Don't be afraid. You're safe, and everything's all right. And we love you here.
(Garfield looks on disapprovingly at Jon)
Jon: Well, some of us do.
Nermal: He's right. I'm the cutest kitten in the world, and people everywhere love cute kittens. I'll go wake Garfield up and tell him.
(Nermal runs over to Garfield's bed)
Jon: I wonder what kind of nightmare Nermal had. I guess watching all these (yawns) infomercials can make anyone doze off.
(Jon falls asleep and dreams about the same infomercial, but about him)
Announcer: He can't cook! He can't get a date! He's Jon Arbuckle! And we're giving him away absolutely free! In fact, we'll pay you to take him!
(dissolve to Nermal and Garfield)
Nermal: And then I dreamed that you threw in a new car and thousands of dollars, but STILL no one wanted me.
Garfield: Sounds about right.
Nermal: But then I realized it was just a bad dream, and it never could happen.
Garfield: Someone would have to be pretty stupid to believe something like that.
(Jon has awakened from his nightmare, and is running away)
Jon: No, don't give me away, Garfield! Stop the commercial! Don't give me away! Help!
Garfield: See what I mean? Now scram. Leave me alone.
(Nermal leaves Garfield)
Garfield: Giving Nermal away on a TV commercial? Not a bad idea.
(Garfield falls asleep and snores, dreaming of The Great Nermal Cat Giveaway as he rises up on stage again)
Announcer: Yes, our response to our last offer was so great, we're making it again! We have Nermal Cats to give away!
Garfield: Cats? Plural?
Announcer: And this time, we have over half a million of them to move outta here!
Garfield: (screams)
(cut to Garfield's house with countless Nermal Cats
Announcer: And they're all staying at Garfield's house till we give them all away!
Garfield: Please! You've gotta take them off our hands! Please! Take two! They're small! Take them! Please! You've gotta! I'll be your best friend! Come on! Please!
(episode ends)