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"We've been working for months on this skyscraper!"
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(The episode opens one day above Jon’s house. The camera pans inside, where Garfield and Odie are waiting at the kitchen table. Garfield sets his head on his paw)
Garfield: Odie, there’s supposed to be food on this table. (He gestures and looks at the table) You see any food on this table? (Odie too looks at it)
Odie: Hmm… (He takes a moment to think, and then, shrugging, shakes his head no) Uh-uh.
Garfield: I have a horrible feeling I know what Jon’s doing instead of making our lunch. (He raises his finger, hops off his chair, and runs into the living room)
Odie: Gasp! Oh! (Odie follows, running on his hind legs at first, and then on all fours as he and Garfield run up to Jon, who is staring at the TV, mesmerized, letting his tongue hang from his mouth)
Hal: Yes, if you act right now, (Garfield and Odie turn to the TV. The former glares at it) this all new possum waxer can be yours! (Jon is watching a TV channel showing nothing but infomercials for useless items. The host, Hal, is accompanied by a female model) Finally, you can wax your possum (He points at the TV camera) with the possum waxer the professionals use! (He and the model show off the possum waxer)
Garfield: Oh no! (He grabs his head in horror)
Jon: Hey hey! (He smiles. Garfield turns around to fill Odie in)
Garfield: He’s watching the All Buying Stuff channel again!
Odie: Hm? (He tilts his head, confused)
Jon: (standing up) I don’t have a possum, but if it did have a possum (He hurries to the hall. The pets watch) I’d sure want to make sure it was professionally waxed!
Garfield: I’ve gotta stop Jon from wasting all his money on junk like that. Money he could be putting to better use like, feeding his cat. (He points at himself with his thumb, visibly frustrated)
Odie: Uh-huh! (Jon is in the hallway on the phone, about to make an order. Odie appears, standing straight up, behind him in the living room. Garfield slowly walks up with a tuba in his paws)
Jon: Hello? All Buying Stuff channel? I’d like to order 10 possum waxers.
Garfield: Deep inhale (He blows into the tuba, blasting a loud sound that makes Jon leap and Odie cover his ears)
Jon: YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Once Garfield stops, Odie’s eyes spin, a bit dizzy)
Odie: Mutters
Garfield: Where did I get the tuba? (He tosses it away) Jon bought it from the TV channel. (He leads Odie downstairs to where Jon bought various other useless things) He also bought an automatic on-off machine. (It is simply a red box with an arm that pulls a lever, turning itself on and off) It turns itself on, (He points at the lever) then it turns itself off, then it turns itself on, then it turns itself off, then it turns itself on, (He turns to Odie and raises his paws) this is all it does, then it turns itself off. (He steps over to a container) Here’s a two-year supply of (He opens the lid) helium-filled sweat socks. (Socks rise like balloons from the chest) That’s useful. (He then shows Odie a statue lying sideways) And this is a life-size statue of Harlow P. Entwhistle, the inventor of the waterproof sponge.
(They return upstairs. Jon is sitting on the floor, rubbing his head)
Jon: Sigh! (Garfield steps into view) Thanks for stopping me, Garfield. (Garfield clasps his paws behind his back) I almost bought something that was useless and expensive.
Garfield: (wagging his finger) And not even edible.
Odie: (glaring) Right!
Jon: I’m going to do something drastic (He gets up) to make sure that never happens again! (He raises his finger) I’m going to turn (He storms into the living room) off that channel! (Garfield smiles, satisfied. Jon grabs the remote and points it at the TV, about to turn it off)
Hal: And you’ll love our next item! (He raises a blue-and-white polka dot box) It’s a portable cooling device that requires NO electricity! (He wags his finger. Jon suddenly falls under the channel’s spell once again. The remote slips from his hand)
Jon: (monotone) I don’t have a portable cooling device that requires no electricity.
Garfield and Odie: Huh? (They watch from the hallway. Garfield facepalms, frustrated, and Odie gives him a sorry look. The model on TV fans herself)
Hal: Too hot? Just use your portable cooling device (He lifts the lid of the box. The model looks into it and then shivers) that requires NO electricity! Call now to order yours! (He points at the viewer and winks)
Jon: (monotone) I must call now to order mine. (He races into the hall)
Garfield: Gasp!
Odie: Huh? (Garfield quickly grabs his leg, attempting to restrain him. Jon struggles to reach the phone, but hops closer)
Garfield: No! No! You must resist! Stop! (Odie casually watches them from the living room)
Hal: And remember, you still have time to order this EXQUISITE diamond-studded flea collar! (This piques the pup’s interest)
Odie: Gasp! (He turns and sees the collar advertised on TV) Ooooh! (He starts imagining how snazzy he’d look with the collar on his neck, walking down the street and grinning confidently. He is approached by a black poodle)
Black Poodle: Bark! Bark! Barkbarkbarkbark! (The poodle gives Odie a kiss)
Odie: (contented) Row!
(Meanwhile, Garfield and Jon are in a stalemate, Jon trying to grab the phone and Garfield attempting to prevent him)
Garfield: No! Stop! You can’t buy every stupid thing they offer on TV! (Odie, however, is on board with this. He hops over, grabs the phone with his teeth and hands it to Jon. Garfield sees the pup and lets go of Jon’s leg, sending him flying)
Jon: Strains YAAAHHHHH! (He lands with a thud in the pet door, getting stuck halfway through)
Garfield: (raising his finger) They sell junk! They sell garbage!
Hal: How would you like to press a button (Garfield swipes the phone from Odie’s mouth) and have fresh, steaming hot pizza in less than 30 minutes? (Garfield goes to put the phone back, with Odie looking sad, but the TV advertisement ropes Garfield in as well)
Garfield: Snickers (He hops into his chair, hypnotized) Ha! Ooh!
Hal: Meet (The model shows off a machine that makes pizza and rolls it out on a conveyor belt) the magnificent mozzarella machine! (She opens the door and winks)
Garfield: They sell the greatest scientific breakthrough (He grabs his head) in the history of mankind!
Hal: Just press this red button, (Cut to Hal) follow directions, and in just one half-hour, (Cut to the model. Pizza rolls out of the machine, despite the door being closed) you’ll be feasting on pizza just the way you like it!
Garfield: Magnificent mozzarella machine… (He turns to the viewers) Isn’t science wonderful? (He gets up, his arms out like a zombie) Must have… magnificent mozzarella machine. (He hops off the chair. He reappears in the left front window, offering Jon the phone. Odie is in the right window, equally eager)
Jon: Huh?
(After getting out of the pet door, Jon decides to splurge for himself and his pets)
Jon: That’s right, I want to order one of those portable cooling device that requires no electricity. (Garfield waves and gets his attention) Oh, and a magnificent mozzarella machine.
Odie: Bark!
Jon: Oh, right! And for my dog, an exquisite diamond-studded flea collar. (Odie retracts his tongue) I’ll give you my credit card number. (He pulls out his credit card. Garfield steps toward his canine companion and points at him with both paws)
Garfield: Now, Odie, (He raises his finger) it takes time for these things to arrive, so don’t get impatient.
Odie: (loosely translated) OK. (He nods. Garfield pops up in the left window again, pressing his paws on the glass)
Garfield: Where is it?! I want it! Why isn’t it here?! (The camera zooms out and pans up) I want it now! Now, now, now!
(Some time passes, and Garfield is pacing anxiously outside. Odie stands nearby, watching him)
Garfield: Sigh…
Odie: Whimper (Soon enough, Herman Post’s mail truck rolls up)
Garfield: Sigh… (The pets see the truck) Oh!
Odie: (excited) Gasp!
Garfield: Laughs (Herman carries a large crate toward the house. Garfield and Odie blow by him so quickly that he spins in place and his clothes are ripped off, save for his red undergarments and shoes) Laughs (The pets take their stuff inside, returning Post’s clothes to him)
(In the living room, Jon and Garfield inspect their boxes. Odie holds the box with his new collar in his mouth)
Jon: Here’s my portable cooling device that requires no electricity. Gee, (He opens the lid) I wonder how it makes things cold. (He is shocked to see that his cooling device is nothing more than a block of ice) Gasp! All it is is a giant ice cube! (He picks it up) Grunt!
Garfield: Snickers (He covers his mouth. The block of ice slips from Jon’s grasp)
Jon: Whoa! Oof! (He takes a headfirst tumble into the crate) Grunt! (Nearby, Odie is struggling to get the collar box open)
Odie: Mutters (It finally pops open to reveal a tiny collar on a red cushion. The pup is bewildered) Huh? Huh? (Jon pulls himself out of the crate)
Jon: Odie, (The pup gives it a sniff and looks at it closely with one eye) where’s your exquisite diamond-studded flea collar?
Odie: (loosely translated) I don’t know. (He shakes his head, confused and disappointed. His feline friend hops over)
Garfield: What’s this? (With a magnifying glass, he inspects the collar. Jon bends down and picks up the case)
Jon: (reading) “Instructions for exquisite diamond-studded flea collar: put collar on flea?” (He is dumbfounded) A flea collar that goes on the flea? That’s a ripoff! Scowl! (No one is more upset than Odie, and he voices his displeasure)
Odie: Furious mutters
Garfield: (pointing) Hey you guys are just mad ‘cause you ordered the wrong things. (He peeks in his crate. The channel seems to have delivered on his automatic pizza maker. It is promptly set up, complete with an instruction manual) I’m gonna use my Magnificent Mozzarella Machine (He gestures to it) to whip up the pizza of my dreams. (He steps over to the manual and reads it, pointing up) “Press red button, follow directions. In just one half hour, you will have pizza just the way you like it.” Giggles Here it goes! (He presses the red button, and the machine starts up. He steps to the side, hopping and grinning excitedly. Odie pants) Snickers (A door opens and an arm with a sign pops out. Garfield reads it) Doh! “Call Vito’s Pizzeria, 555-7392 they deliver.” (Now having been ripped off himself, Garfield raises his finger in the air) Excuse me, I have to go register a serious complaint! (He pulls the machine along with him as he heads out the door, furious) Grrrrr! (He makes a left turn at the sidewalk)
(He reaches the city, and storms his way to the TV station)
Garfield: I’ve seen their ads. They promise if you’re not satisfied, they’ll cheerfully refund your money. (Upon reaching the station, he is mocked by the guards, Beasley and Myron, who are lying on the ground in laughter)
Myron: A refund! (He points) Laughs He wants a refund! (Garfield glances at the two of them, quite annoyed)
Myron and Beasley: Laugh
Beasley: He thinks we’ll give him his money back!
Myron and Beasley: Laugh (Garfield decides to ignore them and runs right between them)
Garfield: Well, at least they’re cheerful.
(Inside the TV station, he strolls down a long corridor with numbered doors on either side of him)
Garfield: There must be someone here who’ll take this junk back!
(Back at the door…)
Myron and Beasley: Laugh
Beasley: Hey, (He points at the door) that cat went inside. He expects a refund. (The two suddenly put two and two together)
Myron: Nobody’s ever gotten a refund around here! (They take off)
(Meanwhile, Hal is advertising what looks like a steel ladder without gaps between the rungs. Of course, his model shows it off as well)
Hal: Don’t delay, folks! Hurry right now and order the spectacular, internet-ready teeth straightener! (He pauses) Are we off the air? Good. (He drops the object and strolls over to his boss, Mama Meany) Sold another couple thousand pieces of junk, boss.
Mama Meany: Good work, Hal. (He hears a ding and turns around) Hey, what’s going on? (Myron peeks in through the studio door)
Myron: Some cat got into the studio! (Beasley joins him)
Beasley: He wants a refund for something.
Mama Meany and Hal: Refund? Laugh
(The guards run down a corridor and spot Garfield)
Beasley: (pointing) There he is!
Garfield: Huh? Yelp! (A chase ensues) Pants (Seeing the guards on his tail, he shoves the machine back at them) Grunt!
Beasley and Myron: Yelp! (They are both knocked over by the machine)
Garfield: Pants Here’s the only thing this is good for! (He speeds down the hall) Pants (He passes a double door with pictures of parcels and envelopes on it. He zips back in front of the doors, intrigued) “Shipping department.” Let’s see what’s in here. (He ventures forth and looks around the room, which has stacks of boxes, some letters sorted on a shelf, and various packing supplies. In the center is a desk with things on it and a chair) I’ve gotta find whoever’s in charge of this TV station. Maybe he can… Gasp! Oh no! (He grabs his head. He sees several large rolls of…) Bubble wrap! (He addresses the viewers) It’s impossible to see bubble wrap and not do this! (He races ofer to it and starts popping it with this thumbs on the desk) Laughs
(Meanwhile, the two guards are still after Garfield. They run past him, and then return when they see the open door to the shipping department)
Beasley: I think he went into the shipping department. (Both of them enter to see Garfield popping the bubble wrap)
Garfield: Giggles (The guards stop, look at each other, and join the cat) Laughs (Upon finishing, the chase resumes) Pants (Garfield hides in room 30, and the guards race past him. Luckily for Garfield, he stumbled upon the studio where the All Buying Stuff Channel is recorded. He sneaks behind a table and eavesdrops on a conversation between Hal and Mama Meany)
Hal: So what’s the next bit of overpriced garbage I get to sell?
Mama Meany: This. (He gestures to a machine on the table. Garfield ducks to avoid being seen, his ears twitching) I'm calling it the Awesome Audio Appliance. It records and plays any music or speech. You’ll say it’s computerized and digital and high-tech, but really, it’s an old tape recorder! (He opens it and reveals the tape inside) I bought a ton of ‘em from a junkyard. They’ll record and play, but not for long! (Garfield sneaking presses a button, turning the recorder on)
Garfield: Ahem.
Hal: But basically it’s… another piece of junk!
Mama Meany: Everything we sell on this STATION is a piece of junk! (Garfield tries tiptoeing away, but the creaky floor makes this louder than it should be) The idiots out there never catch on! (Mama spots Garfield and points at him) Hey, there’s the cat they were looking for! (Garfield bolts)
Garfield: Pants (He is stopped by Myron and Beasley) YAAAHHHH! (He jukes their lunge at him and rounds the table) Pants (He slides between Hal’s legs, knocking him over, gets up and keeps running, circling practically every object in the room before escaping down the hall and stopping at the shipping room to pop some more bubble wrap) Laughs (The chase continues) Pants (Myron and Beasley duck into a room. Garfield glances over his shoulder) I think I lost ‘em! Snickers (The guards peek out of a door in front of him. Myron blocks Garfield’s path) YAAAHHHH! (He skids to a stop, and Myron nabs him. He points up) I think they found me!
Myron: Ah! Got him!
Beasley: (pointing) Let’s take him to the boss! (They go and do just that)
(Meanwhile, Hal is shooting another commercial)
Hal: You can’t live without one of these Awesome Audio Appliances! (Back at the house, Jon is watching with Odie)
Jon: Odie,
Odie: Huh?
Jon: (continuing) if I’ve learned one thing, I’m NEVER ordering again from the All Buying Stuff Channel. (He folds his arms defiantly)
Odie: Bark! (The TV shows the tape recorder)
Jon: They sell shoddy merchandise, and they lie and… (He pauses) Gee, that audio thing they’re selling looks awfully cool. (He gets more and more invested) Hey! (Odie looks at his owner, quickly losing faith)
Odie: Whimper Moan… (He gives the viewers a disappointed look)
(Back at the studio, Beasley and Myron return with Garfield in tow)
Beasley: We caught the cat, Boss. (He points over his shoulder)
Myron: What should we do with him? (Mama Meany turns around)
Mama Meany: Throw him out, (He leans toward Garfield) and DON’T give him his money back! I never give anyone their money back, and do you know why? Because people are stupid. They never catch on that the stuff I sell is garbage!
Hal: This awesome audio appliance plays the most beautiful music! Listen. (He presses Play on the machine, and the recording Garfield caught begins)
Hal: (recording) But basically it’s… another piece of junk! (Everyone turns, shocked)
Beasley, Myron, Mama Meany, and Garfield: Huh?
Mama Meany: (recording) Everything we sell on this STATION is a piece of junk! (Myron winces, and so does Beasley) The idiots out there never catch on! (Hal stops the recording, smiling weakly at the TV viewers. Mama Meany facepalms, and Garfield smiles smartly)
Garfield: I have a feeling they’ll catch on now.
Mama Meany: (pointing) I’ll give you a refund, cat, just get outta here! (He points toward the exit, his face in his arm in defeat)
Garfield: I’ll go, (He raises his finger) but there’s something else I want. Snickers
(Later on, Jon is sitting on the sofa talking with Odie–who is panting next to him on the couch–and Garfield, who is on the easy chair)
Jon: So the police said they’ve received so many complaints about the All Buying Stuff Channel, they’re investigating. (He points at his cat) The owner might have to give everyone refunds or go to jail. (Odie retracts his tongue and hops closer to Jon)
Odie: Bark! Bark! Bark!
Garfield: Oh, it was nothing. (He waves his paw dismissively)
Jon: (disappointedly) The only thing is, well, I kind of enjoyed watching that station. (Odie scratches his ear) Now that it’s off the air, I don't know WHAT to do for fun.
Garfield: I wouldn't leave until they gave me a three-year supply of bubble wrap. Here. (He snaps his fingers, and the three of them are each popping their own sheet of bubble wrap, as well as being surrounded by massive rolls of it)
Jon: Hey, this is more fun than watching the All Buying Stuff Channel! Laughs
Garfield: And a whole lot cheaper!
Odie: Snicker Bark! Pants (He holds his thumbs up)
Garfield: Odie, you just did two.
Odie: Huh?
Garfield: Snickers (As they pop their bubbles, the camera switches to a shot above the house, slowly zooming out, and the episode ends)
THE END