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"Halt! Officer Odie orders you to stop and help!"
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(Roy is walking around the farm, when he hears Wade screaming for help and turns around.)
Wade: Yo! Help! Duck in need for help! Major assistance required! (stops just in front of Roy.) It's "National Don't Mention Meat or Someone Will Hit You With a Banana Cream Pie Day"! If you mention a kind of meat, someone will hit you with a banana cream pie!
Roy: (pushes Wade away.) What? You mean I'll get hit with a banana cream pie, if I mention, oh... prime rib?
(A pie flies above Wade and hits Roy at his face with a large "Splut" sound.)
Roy: That's a lot of baloney!
(A second pie hits Roy at his cheek with the same sound as the previous attack.)
Roy: Who do I complain to about this? I've got a real beef!
(Roy is hit with a pie for the third time.)
Roy: That's it! That's enough!! Roy has had it. I quit! I'm walking!
(Roy is walking away in disgust. Orson stops him.)
Orson: Roy, you don't want to quit being the only rooster here on the farm.
Roy: No, not the farm, I'm quitting this cartoon show. I've had it with all this low comedy! I have my career to think of, I have too much at stake!
(Roy receives a fourth pie at his face.)
Roy: I said "stake," S-T-A-K-E, not "steak," S-T-E-A-K.
(Orson steps back. Fifth pie strikes Roy's face. Orson approaches Roy.)
Orson: Roy, you're a cartoon character, and cartoon characters get hit with pies.
Roy: Not THIS cartoon character! (puts the pie remnants off his head.) I'm gonna find a show, where my superior dramatic acting is appreciated. (Roy is straking dramatic poses.) I don't care if people do think I'm a ham. (gets hit with a pie for the sixth time; grumbles and walks away)
(Wade approaches Orson.)
Wade: Roy's quitting? Oh, now we are in a stew!
(Wade and Orson crouch and cover their heads. Wade gets hit by the pie.)
Orson: Wade, that's what you get for being so frank.
(Orson gets hit by a pie as the scenery changes from the farm to a big city. There is an isolated skyscraper, where the action is focusing; Roy walks around Bernie's office.)
Roy: You've gotta get me another job, Bernie. They keep humiliating me. Last week do you know what they wanted me to wear? A chicken suit!
Bernie: Roy, sweetie, baby, I'd love to schmooze, but I'm skying to Gotham for to confabs.
(Roy keeps shaking Bernie.)
Roy: Never mind your Hollywood talk! You're my agent, get me a new show.
Bernie: Well...There's one I could put you on.
(Roy leaps on Bernie.)
Roy: I'll take it!
Bernie: Okay, come with me. I'll take you to the set.
(Bernie puts Roy down and leads him to the TV show production site.)
Roy: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east...
Bernie: Okay Roy, this here are your new co-stars.
(The Buddy Bears appear.)
Bobby: I'm Bobby Buddy Bear.
Billy: I'm Billy Buddy Bear.
Bertie: I'm Bertie Buddy Bear!
The Buddy Bears together: And we're the Buddy Bears!
Billy: We teach children to be sweet and kind and always agree with everybody!
The Buddy Bears together: Yes, we do! We (always) agree with everybody!
Roy: I won't get hit with pies?
Bobby: Oh, no!
Billy: We never hit anyone with pies!
(Bobby gives Roy a friendly hug, then he rushes forwards.)
Bertie: That's not educational and uplifting!
The Buddy Bears together: We never do anything that's not educational and uplifting!
(The bears perform their Broadway-style dance around Roy.)
Roy: I hope I haven't made a mistake...
(A new day rises upon the farm. Wade clumsily dressed as a rooster emerges from his house.)
Wade: Ahem... Filling in for our usual rooster this morning...is me! Cock-a-doodle-do! Thank you! (bows down; chuckles and then sighs) I hate being an office temp.
(Orson arrives, runs into the rooster house and turns on the TV set.)
Orson: Wade! Am I in time for Roy's new show? I wanna see it.
Wade: He got a good time slot. Five in the morning.
Orson: He'll do fine. He's really gonna bring home the bacon!
(A pie hits Orson's face with a loud "SPLUT!" noise.)
Orson: I thought that holiday was yesterday.
Wade: They held it over.
Announcer (on TV): And now, it's time for... The Buddy Bears!
The Buddy Bears together: (singing)
Oh, we are the Buddy Bears,
We always get along,
Each day we do a little dance
And sing a little song
If you ever disagree
It means that you are wrong
Oh, we are the Buddy Bears,
We always get along!
Bobby: On today's show, we are going to teach you that whatever the group decides is always right!
Billy: And if you disagree, than you're just a troublemaker!
Bertie: And to prove this, let's introduce our newest friend... Big Bad Buddy Bird!
(Roy enters the stage dressed in a bear suit with similar outfit to the Buddy Bears.)
Roy: Hello. I'm Big Bad Buddy Bird, I never agree with the group. I set a bad example for impressionable children everywhere.
Billy: We will show you what happens when you don't go along with the gang!
(The scenery changes into Mom's Cafe.)
Billy: I think we should go to a salad bar for lunch!
Bertie: Well, in that case, I think we should go to a salad bar for lunch.
Bobby: I do not feel like salad, but since the group is never wrong, let's go to a salad bar for lunch!
Roy: I am Big Bad Buddy Bird and I want Chinese food.
(A safe drops on Roy from above.)
Bernie: You see what happens when you disagree, kids?
Roy (muffled speaking): Yes, I guess I should've gone along with the gang.
Billy: This next example takes place in an ice-cream shop.
(The scenery changes into an ice-cream parlor.)
Billy: I will have French vanilla please!
Bertie: Then I will have French vanilla, please!
Bobby: We will all have French vanilla. please.
(Bobby is leaning on Billy and winking his eyes. The bears turn around, battered Roy enters the site.)
Roy: I want chocolate.
(Another safe strikes Roy from above.)
Bobby: This once again shows you what happens when you don't get along.
Roy: Yes, they drop a sixteen-ton safe on you.
Bertie: Before we forget, children, remember that this is just a TV show.
Billy: Yes! Do not attempt dropping sixteen-ton safes on your friends at home. It could be dangerous!
(The scenery changes into an amusement park.)
Bobby: Here we are at the amusement park! I would like to go on the horsey ride!
Billy: In that case, I would like to go on the horsey ride.
Bernie: Since we should always get along and agree, I would like to go on a horsey ride!
Roy (behind the curtains): No, no! (stammers) I'm not going out there!
Man (behind the curtain): Get out on that stage!
(Badly battered Roy crawls towards Billy.)
Roy: (gasping and coughing)
Bernie: We want to go on the horsey ride. What do you want to do, Big Bad Buddy Bird?
Roy: If I do my line, will you promise not to drop a sixteen-ton safe on me, please?
Bobby: I promise!
Billy: And I promise!
Bernie: And I promise!
Roy: All right then. I don't want to go on the horsey ride. I want to go on the rollercoaster.
(Roy is hit by two safes in a row.)
Bobby: We did not drop a sixteen-ton safe on you.
Billy: We dropped TWO sixteen-ton safes on you,
Roy: Would it have done any good to say "the tunnel of love?"
(The scenery changes back to the main stage.)
Bertie: So you see, kids, never have an opinion on your own.
Bobby: Or someone will drop a sixteen-ton safe on you.
(Bobby is pointing his finger at the audience.)
Billy: Here's yet another example!
(The bears are grinning, while bandaged Roy pushes them off stage to the right and speaks to the audience.)
Roy: NO! No more examples! Kids, don't listen to any of this. These bears are dangerous. You should have opinions of your own, You should think and decide and don't listen to what anyone else says.
The Buddy Bears together (arguing all at once with Roy): Wait a minute! That's not in the script! Don't pay any attention to him!
(Roy is holding a TV camera, two of the bears are trying to take him to the ground by force.)
Roy: Use your own mind. Don't do everything your friends do just because they do it. Have a brain of your own!
(Orson and Wade are puzzled and watch Roy and the bears fighting.)
Roy: Let go of me! The group isn't always right!
(A screen with "Please Stand By" covers the combat scene.)
Announcer (on TV): We are experiencing technical difficulties with The Buddy Bears Show. Please stand by.
Orson: Fourteen minutes.
Wade: What, pray tell, is "Fourteen minutes?"
Orson: That's how long I figure it'll be before Roy is here to beg for his old job back.
(The scenery changes to the outside the farm. Wade has discarded his rooster outfit. Orson is staring at his pocket watch and he's counting aloud.)
Orson: Thirteen minutes fifty-six seconds... Thirteen minutes fifty-seven seconds...
(Roy suddenly appears, still dressed in bandages.)
Roy: Orson, you've gotta gimme my old job back!
(Roy is kneeling. Orson is showing Wade his pocket watch he caught in the air.)
Wade: Three seconds early. Not bad.
Roy: Please, please, please, pretty please, with T-bills on top. You've gotta take me back.
Orson: Gee, Roy, I thought getting hit with pies was beneath you.
(Roy rises from his knees.)
Roy: Beneath me? I love slapstick comedy! Watch this.
(Roy runs to the left and stops in the area with the barn in the background to the left.)
Roy: Fillet mignon! Salami! T-bone! Pot roast! Meatloaf! (gets hit with multiple pies from both directions.) See? I live for laughs!
(Wade approaches Orson.)
Orson: Well, I think the show needs Roy.
(Completely healed from wounds Roy approaches Orson and Wade.)
Roy: And I agree that the show needs Roy!
Wade: Well, I feel...I feel the show needs Roy, too. I'm not taking any chances. (chuckles)
(Episode ends.)