Ask a Dog

Ask a Dog is a recurring joke in the Garfield comic strip. In these strips, Garfield reads a letter sent to "Ask a Dog" and Odie answers it. The joke has been used 39 times in the comic strip as of November 2019, and began in 2010.

A precedent of the gag was a 1978-1983 running gag where Garfield would answer fan mail.

Letters

• "Every time I try to throw a stick away, my dumb dog keeps bringing it back. What's up with that?" Signed, "Clueless in Seattle" (Garfield responds, "Dear Clueless, the first rule of training a dog is that you must be smarter than the dog... and I have some bad news for you...")
• "Is there life on the moon?" (Odie howls and Garfield specifies that he does not want any more questions about the moon)
• "Is it true you became man's best friend by bribing somebody?" Signed, "A cat sitting next to you" (Odie reveals a receipt)
• "My dog will stare at a spot on the wall that he thinks is a bug, but it isn't, for hours. Is he stupid?" Signed, "Just wondering" (Odie stares at a spot on the wall instead of answering)
• "Who wants to go for a walk?" (Odie runs off and Garfield says, "We'll have to get back to you with that answer")
• "Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!" (Odie has written a letter himself)
• "How come you're so slow?" Signed, "Squirrel in the backyard" (Odie barks angrily at something off-panel)
• Odie starts responding before Garfield can ask the question
• "Who is a good little doggie?! Is it you?! Huh?! Huh?!!" (Odie gets excited and Garfield throws the letter away)
• "Isn't it true that cats are much, much smarter than dogs?" - Signed, "Someone sitting very near you" (Odie angrily looks in the opposite direction as Garfield)
• "Do you think a dog will ever walk on Mars?" (Odie answers, "Yes, but only after they make a really long leash")
• "Why are you guys always smelling stuff?" (Odie sniffs the letter)
• "Grrrrrr!" (Garfield calls this letter "hate mail")
• "Would you PLEASE leave me alone?" - Signed, "Mister Tennis Ball" (Odie walks offscreen)
• "If you chase a car and catch it, what happens then?" (Odie wears a pilot outfit while Garfield tells him "that is highly illegal")
• "If you were on the moon, would you howl at the earth?" (Odie runs off and Garfield says, "And no, you're not going to find out")
• "If you could be an animal, what would you be?" (Garfield tells Odie, "Here's a hint... you already ARE one.")
• "Do dogs really eat homework?" (Odie eats the paper)
• "What can I do to make my dog's breath more pleasant?" ("Buy mint-flavored slippers")
• "I'm angry with my mailman. What should I do?" ("Bite him, but first, make sure that you've had all your shots.")
• "What's with you dogs rooting through the garbage all the time?" (Odie has a banana peel on his head, but denies this accusation)
• "What exactly is a beef by-product?" (Odie does not know)
• "How many different kinds of dogs are there?" ("Two. Good dogs and bad dogs.")
• "Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!" (The letter is written by a goose)
• "Is a dog's bark worse than his bite?" ("Yes, but only if the dog wears dentures.")
• "Who's stronger? Cats or dogs?" (Garfield says, "Dogs, but only if you count their breath.")
• "The pleasure of your company is requested for a dinner party. Can we expect you at six o'clock? Signed, Mr. and Mrs. Frederick J. Flea."
• "When you howl, are you singing?" (Garfield says no)
• "Do you bite?" (Garfield tells Odie that the letter is not from a steak)
• "If you're so smart, how come somebody has to read you the questions?" (Garfield is impressed by the question while Odie is offended)
• "Do you bury bones in your backyard? If so, where exactly?" (Garfield says, "Nice try, Mrs. Feeny's dog!")
• "What qualifies you to guard a house?" (Odie thinks it is his "big muscles")
• "What makes you such an expert?" (Garfield responds to Odie's answer with "There's no such thing as a dog university.")
• "Am I wrong to feed my dog fattening snacks?" ("Yes. Those should go to the cat.")
• "What is your philosophy of life?" ("As you walk along the road of life, remember to stop and sniff everything.")
• "Jingle, jingle, jingle." "Signed, the car keys."
• "What should I feed my dog to make him smarter?" (Garfield says, "Cat food.")
• "What kind of dog are you anyway?" ("A hockey fan.")
• "What beverage goes best with dog food?" ("A cold bottle of sparkling toilet water". Garfield is shocked by this answer.)
• "How can I get my dog to stop chasing his tail?" ("Tell his tail to stop running")
• "How can I get my dog to stop begging at the table?" ("Eat somewhere besides the table. Dummy.")
• A letter from an actual dog, which Odie confirms by sniffing it.
• "Did you ever eat a bug?" (Odie is eating a bug as Garfield reads the question)
• "How do I know you're really a dog?" (Garfield answers "He can scratch the back of his head with his foot, that's how.")
• "If a squirrel snuck up behind you and said... "Boo!" Would you be scared?" (Odie jumps as Garfield reads the "Boo!")
• "Why are more dogs wearing clothes these days?" (Odie dresses in an outfit, and Garfield answers "No, fashion is not your life.")
• "What's better: a big, thick steak or a juicy cheeseburger?" (Garfield and Odie declare a lunch break and run off) (May 27, 2020)
• "Why has a dog never walked on the moon?" ("No trees.")
• "Do you ever get a song stuck in your head?" (Odie begins singing, and Garfield says angrily to the writer, "I'll get you for this.")
• "I am not a dog, but I enjoy howling at the moon. How do you explain this?" ("You're nuts.")
• "Did you chew up my slippers? Well, did you?" (Odie freezes and Garfield answers "That would be a yes.")
• "My dog won't stay off the furniture. What should I do?" ("Sit on the floor.")
• "My dog refuses to obey my commands. What's his problem?" ("What's your problem?")
• "Yap! Yap! Yap! Arfitty-Arf-Arf-Arf!" (Odie laughs. Garfield replies "Hey, no inside jokes, please.")
• " " ("I see Fifi the Poodle is still giving you the silent treatment." Odie sighs)
• "Is it true that pigs are smarter than dogs?" (Odie eats a sandwich. Garfield asks "And is that a bacon sandwich?")
• "I think you're handsome. Do you have a girlfriend?" (Garfield asks "Is this a joke?" Odie gives a long, suave, "Woooof")
• "Have you been a good boy? Signed, Santa" (Odie freezes with the shoe he had been chewing shill in his mouth)
• "What's the secret to happiness?" (Odie whispers something, which Garfield translates as "Bark at nothing, sniff everything.")
• "How come my dog never does anything heroic?" ("It's your fault for not falling down a well.")
• "Besides a dog, what animal makes the best pet? (To Odie's astonishment, Garfield answers, "Dude, a squeaky bone is not a pet.")
• "What kinds of books do dogs like?" ("Paperbacks. They're easier to chew.")
• "Why do dogs bite mailmen?" ("They taste like chicken.")
• "How can you stand to get so dirty when digging holes?" (Odie takes off and returns with a bottle of shampoo. Garfield replies, "No, you may not do a shampoo commercial.")
• "Are you scared, punk? Are you? Signed, the vacuum cleaner" (Odie disappears)
• "Why do dogs always seem to bark at 3 A.M.?" ("That's what time the neighborhood contest starts." Odie shows off the 1st place trophy he won)
• "How can I get my dog to stop eating my cat's food?" (Odie shrugs and barks. Garfield replies, "Oh, yes it can be done.")
• "Didn't I see you on my lawn last week? Yes you." (Odie leaves and returns wearing a trench coat, hat, and shades)
• "Does a cold nose mean a dog is happy?" ("Yes, especially if it's been in ice cream.")
• "Why do cats have nine lives?" (Garfield answers, "I'll take this one, Odie. It's simple. Cats have too much sarcasm for one life.")
• "What's the best way to get a dog to stop barking?" (Odie barks 54 times)
• "What's the greatest movie ever made?" ("Could you be more specific than 'the one with the dog'?")
• "My dog won't eat my homework. What should I do? Signed Billy, age 9" ("Try dipping sauces.")
• "My cat is mean to me. What can I do?" (Garfield realizes the letter is from Jon)
• "Why do some dogs act like they're people?" ("Low self-esteem.")
• "Do dogs have superpowers?" ("That's true. Humans have no defense against 'Super Puppy Dog Face'." Odie gives off big puppy dog eyes.)
• "If you were a millionaire, what would you do?" ("Drink from a toilet, a platinum toilet with gold filigree and diamond inlay.")
• "My dog has taken over the bed and I'm sleeping on the floor. What can I do?" ("Turn around three times before you lie down.")
• "How can I get more fiber in my diet?" ("Eat more homework.")
• "If you ruled the universe, what's the first thing you would do?" ("Really? Roll in stuff?")
• "What's the scientific name for a dog's ntranslaose?" ("We believe the correct term is 'bacon-finder'." Odie wiggles his nose in agreement)
• "What kind of dietetic treats should I give my dog?" (Garfield crumples up the letter and throws it away, saying, "Never write to us again." He and Odie glare angrily at whoever wrote that)
• "How can I get my dog to fetch a stick?" (Garfield agrees with Odie's response and then translates, "Wrap it in bacon, then dip it in gravy.")
• "What do you give someone with a new puppy?" (Garfield interjects, "A sympathy card." Odie looks annoyed with him)
• "What's the worst part about winter?" (Garfield agrees with Odie's response, "Doggie sweaters." Odie shows off his own Christmas sweater)
• "Why does my dog stare at something that isn't there?" (Odie is staring off into the distance, and Garfield thinks he sees the same thing that Odie is staring at)
• "My veterinarian told me to stop giving my dog bacon. What should I do?" (Without a bark, Odie holds up two fingers. Garfield agrees with Odie's suggestion and translates, "Get a second opinion." as Odie wiggles his nose affirmatively)
• "I stopped giving my dog table scraps. Now he whines all the time. What's wrong with him?" (Garfield agrees with Odie's response, which translates to "Sounds like table scrap withdrawal.")
• A letter from Archibald Headcheese asks, "I can never keep cool in the summer. How do you dogs do it?" Odie begins panting, and so Archibald does the same.
• "Is it possible my dog is being chased by his tail?" ("That's absurd." is Odie's initial response, until he turns around and sees his tail)
• "My dog won't stay in his doghouse. What should I do?" ("Install cable tv and a mini fridge", which Garfield thinks is a good idea)
• "Why does my dog sleep so much?" ("Maybe because you ask boring questions?" as Odie falls asleep)
• "How can I get my neighbor's dog to stop barking?" (answer unknown, but it's apparently long enough that Garfield asks Odie to get to the point)
• "Is there a question you'd like to ask?" ("No.")
• "How are you doing today?" (Jon is reading the question, so he is unable to translate Odie's answer. Garfield notes that they did not think this through) (October 18, 2023)
• "What's the meaning of life?" ("Belly rub." Garfield thinks the answer is bacon)
• "Can you help me with my book report on beagles?" ("Only if you want someone to eat it.")
• "What's on your to-do list?" (Odie hands Garfield a list, and Garfield reads "Bark, bark, bark, sniff, sniff, bark, bark, bark.")
• "Why does my dog only pay attention to me when I ask him for a treat?" (Odie is turned away before demanding a treat. Garfield says he's not gonna go there)
• "If the dog is man's best friend, who is dog's best friend?" ("Mr. tennis ball." Odie holds out a tennis ball.)
• "Why does my dog always embarrass me?" (Odie is offscreen drinking from something, prompting Garfield to yell at him to stop and answer the question)
• "I think my cat is plotting against me. Is that possible?" (Odie nods yes, but Garfield translates the answer as "of course not". Odie then looks scared.)
• "Aren't cats wonderful?" (Odie asks if Garfield wrote the questions, and he answers yes)
• "Do you think you can bark for an hour?" (Odie starts barking and timing himself. Garfield notes he hates Odie.)
• "What's your favorite sport?" ("The 100 Meter Mailman Chase." Odie gives a thumbs up.)
• "What's the biggest problem with obedience school?" ("Dogs eating their report cards." Garfield says it makes sense)
• "Do you have any dating advice for me?" ("Offer liver-flavored treats.")
• "What's with the big ears?" (Odie covers his eyes with his ears before falling asleep)
• "How do you teach an old dog a new trick?" ("You're gonna need a lot of bacon.")
• "What do dogs think about?" (Odie doesn't have an answer and Garfield congratulations the writer on stumping the dog) (January 22, 2025)
• "Why won't my dog listen to me?" (Odie says something about bacon, which Garfield agrees is good)
• "Why are cats so judgemental?" (Garfield answers says they're not, and anyone who thinks that is stupid as Odie smiles)
• "Is it true that you can hear things people can't?" (Odie doesn't answer, to Garfield's confusion)
• "How can I get more treats?" ("Beg". Garfield suggests threatening legal action.)
• "What is your philosophy of life?" ("Try not to step on your ears." Odie looks up at his ears.)