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Transcript

Garfield: *snores loudly*

Nermal: Like the fog, Nermal comes on lit-tle cat feet, with built in sneakers.

Automatic Fridge: Warning! You are too close to this refrigerator! Step back or the alarm will go off! Repeat, you are too close to this refrigerator! Please step back!

Nermal: Deagh - Garfield!

Garfield: *yawns* Talking refrigerator alarm with infrared sensors - reacts to body heat, latest thing for discouraging unauthorized [WORD NOT CLEARLY HEARD] and unwanted guest stars. - Take the hint, Nermal!

Nermal: It just so happens that yours truly, the world's cutest kitten, is here to tell a story on your show today, Garfield.

Garfield: Who says?

Nermal: The network, that's who! *ah-eh-em*

Anonymous Sales Representative: Fluctuations indicate that guest star "cutability-quotient" has a significant impact on the actual numbers.

Garfield: Can I have that in English? - Or don't you speak that?

Anonymous Sales Representative: Garfield, the bottom line is, that we want Nermal to tell a story.

Garfield: Not on my show! I'm the star, remember? *turns to camera* And what if they don't like it? What can they do to me?

Anonymous Off-Camera Commercial Narrator: Garfield and Friends will never be seen again, so that we may bring you a new series about house-breaking snails, for fun and profit!

Garfield: Okay, okay, made your point. Nermal can do the story.

Anonymous Sales Representative: Fabulous! I'll come back to you. Your people will talk to my people, let's do lunch, chao!

Garfield: This had better be good.

Nermal: So this is what it feels like to be a star!

Garfield: Until you feel the responsibility for the success of the show, you don't know what it feels like yet. (whips out acoustic megaphone) Waiter! (puts megaphone away) Charge this tidbit to the guest-star's account please.

Waiter: A-anything you say, sir!

Nermal: Today, I am going to tell you a true story, that really happened! It's about a legendary American folk hero. There were many heroes in the early days, when the country was expanding westward. We've all heard of Davie Crocket, Ben Carson, and Daniel Boone, to name a few. Paul Bunyun was the mightiest of mighty, and so was his big blue cat.

Lumberjack in Blue: Sacrebleu big blue! How about giving us a hand with these trees?

Paul's Big Blue Cat: (while pushing over a series of conifers with his finger) Timbeeeerrrr!

Lumberjacks: General mumbles of approval and shouting.

Nermal: Paul Bunyan was the greatest lumberjack of them all, and while he worked, big blue cat slept. He used an entire valley for his bed! When he wasn't sleeping, the big blue cat liked to engage in his third favorite pastime: annoying small puppies. Now, Paul Bunyan kept an entire crew of cooks whose only job was to feed the big blue cat. Sometimes, they needed his help.

Cook I: We need some more ice Paul!

Cook II: [UNKNOWN FRENCH EXPRESSION] He just drank a hundred thousands gallons of soda!

Cook III: Heh-heh, it's all right, it's diet cola, only one calorie.

Cook II: Huh huh, but you know what is next!

Cook III: Oh no, I forgot! Le's sound the alarm!

(general pandemonium ensues)

Paul's Big Blue Cat: (burps extremely loudly)

Nermal: The workers worked all day feeding the big blue cat. The cat had the world's biggest sandbox built, [UNKNOWN WORDS] were kept busy hauling the sand for it - in fact, the entire California coastline was dug by the teams of workers who loaded the sand into the wagons.

Garfield: Okay, that's it - enough. Strike the fantasies [UNKNOWN WORD]. How do you expect the viewing public to believe a tall tale full of wild exaggeration like this? A cat that eats that much! Too fantastic for me to believe.

Nermal: Is that so? Well, in case you've forgotten who you're dealing with -

Garfield: Oh really?

Anonymous Sales Representative: Nermal, the hourly sampling of key cities indicates a, uh, plunge in the ratings during this segment. Possibly due to the low "believability-index" curve.

Nermal: E-ye-you mean. I'm canceled?!

Anonymous Sales Representative: I mean, in short, your story is too ridiculous and embarrassing and uh you're fired - hit the freeway!

Nermal: Uh-I don't understand it!

Garfield: My boy, you've just learned one of the more painful facts of life: what the network giveth, the network can taketh awayeth.

Nermal: But, what will I do now?

Garfield: I happen to know they're looking for someone cute to work in a show down the hall, hurry over to studio 7 and tell 'em I sent you.

Nermal: Oh gee thanks Garfield, I'll never forget this! - Here it is, studio 7! Maybe I'll get on a show that appreciates true cuteness.

Garfield: (looks at camera) Before we go on with my show, I think we should see how he's doing. (turns on TV)

TV Announcer: And now, back to our show, attack of the mutant dinosaurs!

Nermal: (to audience) Help! This wasn't in my contract, I quit - Garfield, help! Garfield, this dinosaur's fifty feet tall!

Garfield: See, he's exaggerating again, that dinosaur's only forty feet tall.

(episode ends)

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