A Matter of Conscience/Transcript

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(the episode begins inside the living room at Garfield's house; peppy instrumental music is heard; Odie is on top of the table in the living room)

(Garfield enters with book and pencil in hand and promptly kicks Odie off the table)

Garfield: "Kick Odie off the table." Done.

(Garfield checks that off)

(Next, we see Nermal licking himself as Garfield wraps him in a box with air holes; the box, of course, says, "TO ABU DHABI." Garfield throws it in the mailbox outside.

Garfield: "Mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi." Done.

(Garfield checks that off.)

(Next, we see Jon in his chair reading a newspaper; Garfield goes behind the chair, and claws it, surprising Jon)

Garfield: "Sharpen claws on furniture." Finished. Let's see what's next. (reads his list) Ah, "Eat everything in the refrigerator." Haven't done that yet. (Garfield rushes off, but comes back to give a tip) You can get a lot more done in a day if you make out a list in advance.

(Garfield rushes off)

Jon: What is that cat up to now?

(Jon walks to the kitchen)

Jon: Garfield!

(Jon sees Garfield drinking the last of the milk in the milk carton; and has devoured everything else in the refrigerator)

Jon: You're eating the dinner that I was cooking for tonight!

(Garfield takes out his list and checks it off)

Garfield: Done.

(Jon has lost his patience and begins to chase Garfield through the house)

Jon: Okay, I've had enough of this! You are going to come back here and answer for what you've done!

Garfield:That's not on the list.

(the scene cuts to outside where a smartly dressed cricket is hopping along the sidewalk.)

Ichabod: What a disgusting life, being a cricket. So few chances for advancement. You can work and work and slave, and where does it get you?

(Ichabod sees Jon chasing Garfield)

Jon: Come back here! Come here! Come on!

Ichabod: Hold on. This could be something.

(Jon has finally caught Garfield and proceeds to kick him out)

Jon: Come here now! Right now! All right, I've had enough of you! I'm going to...

Garfield: (interrupting) I know. Let me add it to the list. (writes it down in his book) "Get kicked out of house. Land in heap in geraniums." (to Jon) Proceed.

(Jon throws Garfield into the geraniums before Garfield checks it off.)

Garfield: Done.

Jon: All you ever do is sleep and eat. Don't you have a conscience?

(Ichabod looks from behind a can)

Ichabod: Conscience! The cat needs a conscience! Here's my chance!

(Garfield dusts himself off)

Garfield: Jon's arm is getting better. Usually, he gets only me as far as the begonias.

(Ichabod appears and hops next to Garfield)

Ichabod: Excuse me, cat, but I couldn't help noticing that you are lacking something. You are without a conscience. I happen to be a conscience. My card.

(Ichabod takes out a business card and hands it to Garfield)

Garfield: (reading) "Ichabod Cricket, Freelance Conscience." Why does this remind me of a story I read once?

(Ichabod takes out a book called Pinocchio)

Ichabod: Pinocchio, by Carlo Collodi. Open to the bookmark and read.

(Garfield does as told and reads the part)

Garfield: (reading) "And so, the puppet who wanted to be a boy adopted the cricket as his conscience and..."

(Ichabod puts one of his legs on Garfield's mouth)

Ichabod: Shhh! Don't read too much. You want to get one of those letters from the lawyers at Disney?

(the scene cuts to the kitchen where Odie runs around asking to play with Jon)

Odie: (whimpering)

Jon: Not now, Odie. I have to recook the meal that Garfield ate.

(cut back to outside where Garfield and Ichabod seem to have struck a deal)

Garfield: Gee, I never had a conscience before. We'll try it for a day.

(Garfield and Ichabod shake fingers)

Ichabod: Now, just do as I say, and you'll never get into trouble again.

(Jon opens the door and puts Odie outside so he can cook)

Jon: Garfield, play with Odie and keep him occupied.

(Odie runs to Garfield and asks to play with him)

Odie: (whimpering)

Garfield: No, Odie, I don't wanna play with you. I hate silly doggy games and I...

(Ichabod leaps onto Garfield ear)

Ichabod: Garfield. This is your conscience speaking. You ought to do it.

Garfield: You really think so?

Ichabod: Absolutely. Jon will be impressed.

Odie: Yeah. Yeah.

Garfield: Odie, you wanna play Rocket Launch?

Odie: Yeah.

(the scene cuts to a seesaw where Odie is in a makeshift rocket, waiting to launch, much to Odie's shock)

Odie: (whimpering in fear)

Garfield: Don't complain, Odie. You agreed to play Rocket Launch.

Ichabod: A-okay. Countdown. Five, four,...

(Garfield runs then quickly turns around to jump on the seesaw)

Garfield: Three, two, one. Liftoff!

(Garfield jumps on the seesaw, launching Odie and the makeshift rocket into the air)

Odie: (howling)

(cut to the kitchen where Jon has taken a fresh batch of lasagna out of the oven)

Jon: I wonder if I left anything out of this lasagna.

(Odie crashes through the kitchen ceiling and lands in the lasagna, making himself and Jon all messy)

Jon: (sarcastic) Oh. Of course. It needed a dog in it. How could I be so foolish?

(Odie slurps Jon multiple times)

Jon: Garfield!

(Garfield cringes at the sound of his name)

Ichabod: I think you should put some distance between you and Jon.

(Garfield quickly runs from the house)

Garfield: I didn't need you for that one.

(the scene changes to elsewhere in the neighborhood where Irving Burnside is crossly carrying a sack of groceries home)

Irving: Why couldn't she do the marketing? "All you do is sit around the house all day, doing nothing." (drops a big steak but doesn't notice) Yeah, like watching hockey games is easy.

(Garfield and Ichabod are in a conversation and pulling up to where Irving dropped his steak)

Ichabod: (to Garfield) So, I say to the guy, "I'm not a grasshopper. I hate that. I'm a cricket."

Garfield: Hold on. Mr. Burnside dropped something.

(Garfield rushes to the steak and is delighted)

Garfield: Oh, boy! A ten-pound, all cholesterol, all-fat, tip-top, sirloin steak! Mmmm. I can feel my arteries hardening already.

(Garfield starts to walk off when Ichabod stops him)

Ichabod: Garfield!

Garfield: Oh, no!

Ichabod: You don't want to eat that.

Garfield: Yes, I do! Honest and truly, with steak sauce on it! I do!

Ichabod: It belongs to Mr. Burnside. Your conscience is telling you to return it to him.

Garfield: (groans) This conscience stuff has its drawbacks. Okay.

(Garfield reluctantly turns around and goes to Mr. Burnside)

Irving: Aha! I should have known! You're the one who swiped my ten-pound, all-cholesterol, tip-top sirloin steak!

Garfield: No! No, I found it! And I was going to return it and...(to himself) you know, I don't even believe this, and I know I'm telling the truth.

(Irving snatches the steak from Garfield)

Garfield: Conscience, hold on tight!

(Garfield runs from Irving Burnside as fast as he can as he chases him and leaves his sack of groceries behind)

Irving: I'll pound you like a cheap steak, cat!

Garfield: I wonder if you can trade in a conscience. Maybe get a new set of instincts or something.

Ichabod: Just do as I tell you, and everything will be all right!

(Garfield comes to an intersection and sees the DON"T WALK sign)

Garfield: (reading) "Don't walk." (panicked) But joy-boy is right behind me. I'm gonna cross the street.

Ichabod: Stop! The sign says "Don't walk!" Your conscience says you have to wait until it says "Walk!"

(Irving closes in on Garfield)

Garfield: Come on. Change. Come on, come on. (sweat drops down his face and he covers his eyes)

(the sign changes to WALK.

Garfield: There. I can walk now.

(Irving grabs Garfield and the two get into a dust-filled fight; somehow, Garfield escapes from Irving as a passing lady sees him fighting himself; little does Irving know that Garfield has escaped)

Irving: Aha! I got you now, cat! You can't get away! You're trapped! You're...(sees the lady) I have to go grill a steak.

(Garfield runs into a dead end in an alley, thinking that Irving Burnside is still right behind him)

Garfield: I'm trapped. There's no way out. Ooh, except through this door.

(Garfield starts to open the door, but is stopped once again)

Ichabod: Halt! The sign says "Do not enter." Your conscience is telling you that it is wrong to disobey a sign like that.

Garfield: I've gotten into nothing but trouble listening to you! I'm going in there, whatever it is.

(Garfield opens the door and enters; he closes it and discovers it's a dog kennel)

Ichabod: Also, your conscience tells you that this is the Elm Street Dog Kennel.

(dogs growl and attack Garfield in an unseen fight)

Garfield: (exclaiming in fright) No! Oh, no! Down, boys! No! Good dog! No! Help! Help! Never do that to a cat! Ow! Or that! Help!

(Garfield and Ichabod run away from the Elm Street Dog Kennel and return to the house)

Garfield: (moans wearily)

Ichabod: You see? If you'd listened to your conscience. Some of that wouldn't have happened.

(Garfield picks up the book "Pinocchio" and tries to find something)

Garfield: Let's see. I just remembered something about this book. (finds the page) Ah, here it is. (to Ichabod) Read this.

(Ichabod hops onto the book. Garfield puts the book down and leaves Ichabod to read the page)

Ichabod: (reading) "And so, Pinocchio looked down at the cricket, and with one deliberate move, the wooden boy crushed the little beast." (stammering) It wasn't like that in the movie!"

(sees Garfield has a rake)

Garfield: No, but that's the way it was in the original book, and here.

Ichabod: Garfield! Let's talk about this!

(Garfield attacks the cricket with the rake, but misses)

Garfield is seen chasing the cricket all over the neighborhood)

Ichabod: I'm your conscience, Garfield! And your conscience says the movie had a happier ending! Stop! Listen to me! Don't bash the cricket!

(episode ends)